Difference between revisions of "Jessica Telephone"

Revision as of 13:57, 24 August 2020

Jessica Telephone is a batter for the Hades Tigers, and has been with the team since Season 3. Telephone is most known for being a star batter in the Internet League Blaseball, and for being on a new team for each of the first three seasons of the League.

Official League Records

Telephone started on the Dallas Steaks in Season 1. At the end of the season, Telephone was blessed by the "Max Out Batter" event, which gave her a five star rating. Immediately after being maxed out, Telephone was stolen by the Philly Pies during the Steal Best Hitter blessing, where she played for the duration of Season 2. Telephone was swapped with August Mina during this blessing.

In Season 2, the Philly Pies took their second championship victory with Jessica Telephone's maxed out stats. During the Season 2 election, the Hades Tigers won the Seduction blessing, which brought Telephone to the Tigers, sending Nolanestophia Patterson back to the Pies.

In Season 3, Telephone helped bring the Tigers their first championship victory alongside Landry Violence.

Player History

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Jessica Telephone sprang fully formed from a payphone a few years ago, seconds before her brother Sebastian Telephone. Jessica's emergence from the payphone is no accident. She exists as synchronous quantum waveform in the 80s decade of every century of human history - and possibly beyond. Each at-bat for Jessica Telephone, she emerges from her phone booth as a particular century's incarnation of the Eternal Jessica. This time it may be the classic 1980s Jessica, carefully teased and feathered hair tucked under her helmet. In another inning, the plate is graced with 980s Jessica, fresh from the viking raids on the hapless Anglo-Saxons. Her next appearance may come in a spray of lasers and 4-D holograms as 2380s Jessica takes her turn at bat.

Visiting fans and flans have asked for her number in the past. None have been successful, but there is still hope. That phantom buzz in your pocket when you don't have your phone on you? That's a missed call from Jessica Telephone and you're lucky you didn't answer.

Jessica can be found on Twitter @jesstelephone where she regularly tweets about her game performance as well as her personal life as a time traveler.

She is double jointed but is very shy about it.

The concept of gender does not, never has, and never will have much meaning at all to Jessica. However, she identifies as a transgender woman.

Career as a Tiger

Telephone's arrival to Hades began with a communication error, when general manager Fearful Symmetry demanded a phone for her office, and pitching coach Kick Rocks instead called upon an ancient pact to summon Jessica Telephone. According to legend, at that moment a blood-drenched payphone appeared before 480 BCE Spartan Jessica. saying "YOU ARE RECEIVING A COLLECT CALL FROM [a chorus of shrieking souls, thousands of angry teeth gnashing in unison, the cosmic blood of a broken moon.] DO YOU ACCEPT THE CHARGES?" She smiled slyly, revealing a mouth of razor-sharp teeth, before stepping into the phone booth and vanishing with a thunderous crack.

While in Hades, Jessica picked up the nickname "Jessica Persephone". Due to peculiarities of the Hadean local dialect, the nickname is pronounced [ˈpɚsəfoʊn], as an overcorrection for pronouncing her surname as [təˈlɛfəniː]. It's been noticed that the tangible forms of Eternal Jessica seem to be skewing somewhat older in history while she resides in Hades; ancient Greece and Rome have been especially common.

Rumored Relationships

While it is known that Telephone has a number of long term relationships with women and several marriages, she maintains a degree of privacy about her romantic life and the identity of these women is currently unknown. There are a number of individuals rumored to be past, present, or future paramours of Jessica Telephone, including:

Halle Berry

Hypatia of Alexandria

Tachibana Ginchiyo
That Cute Girl With The Undercut Who Works At Best Buy
That Bubbly Lowe's Employee With Killer Eyeliner
That Goth Girl Who Works At The Independent Bookstore
Voltairine de Cleyre
Stormé DeLarverie
Nellie Bly
Manya of Dardanus
Kichiro Guerra
Emma Goldman
Mary Fields
Kate Chopin
Princess Andromeda
Alaynabella Hollywood
Emrakul
The Girl Reading This Article Right Now ;)

Fan Art

by @fLgayda on twitter
- beep* "Make 'em feel the violence one last time."

Music

Jessica Telephone Walk Up Music (Season 2)

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 *[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delaware The State of Delaware]
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+*[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Margaret_Thatcher Margaret Thatcher]
 *[[Betsy Trombone]]