Tillman Henderson/Rumor Registry
Tillman Henderson has 9 Rumors written about so far.
The Smokehouse GangUpon his transfer to the Thieves, teammates Snyder Briggs and Hotbox Sato incorporated Henderson into their dynamic. He was spotted regularly joining the two for Sitcom Night, which seems to occur every evening. Shortly thereafter, Henderson began referring to the trio as “The Smokehouse Gang,” evidently due to the fact that all three players are in some way affiliated with smoke. When questioned in an interview, Sato commented that “I really don’t think calling it ‘The Smokehouse Gang’ is a good idea.” In an attempt to be respectful of Sato's wishes, the press dubbed the group the “I Really Don’t Think Calling It The Smokehouse Gang Is A Good Idea” gang, also known as the IRDTCITSGIAGI gang or The Smokehouse Gang for short. Most of the gang's activities continue to revolve around television in some capacity.
Relationship with Declan SuzanneHenderson and Declan Suzanne of the Chicago Firefighters have been observed to be close after the Crabs/Firefighters Dodecaseries of Season 8. Baltimore residents reported sightnings of the two holding hands in Fells Point together after a game, while an anonymous source close to the Firefighters has claimed that Henderson and Suzanne "make out in Declan's El Camino after every Chiclawgo series" and declared this to be "really ****** annoying". Henderson himself has expressed to his teammates that he and Suzanne are not dating, calling the idea "cringe", while Suzanne has insisted repeatedly that the two are "bros". Chicago tabloid The Deep Dish has launched an ongoing investigation into Henderson and Suzanne's relationship, deeming it "highly confusing" and "steeped in too many layers of irony to decipher".
Known DebtsTillman Henderson is a jerk and owes everybody who has even been in Internet League Blaseball 50 dollars. It is safe to assume he will owe anybody who will join Internet League Blaseball 50 dollars. He has been on record as saying "I will not pay anybody back the 50 dollars I owe".
Henderson is just a terrible person. He sucks. Nobody likes him.
He got a spot in the pitching roster because his father, Thrillman J. Henderson, was a hedge fund manager who recommended an accountant with questionable methods to the Crabs' Chief Financial Officer.
His father, always off on business trips or playing glolf, delegated all affection for his son through a paycheck. Starved for attention, armed with financial wherewithal, and sheltered from human decency, Tillman has doubled down again and again on bastard behavior and sustained himself on the ire of his peers because "all publicity is good publicity," which is a really weird way to respond to your friend accusing you of finishing all the milk and then putting the empty carton back in the fridge.
He is not a Baltimore native, and frequently leaves the Crabitat to vacation at his father's summer homes when he is not pitching a game. He has stated several times that he "cannot be killed" by the rogue umpires, but he may in fact be bribing them to keep from being incinerated. He has a matching arm tattoo with Kennedy Loser.
Tillman Henderson has been the greatest lesson in boundary recognition and reinforcement the Crabs have ever had, with the exception of Kennedy Loser who is cursed with the urge to check in on all his teammates.
Tillman Henderson craves validation with desperation, and hangs onto Kennedy Loser's every word like a sad puppy and he sucks at hiding it. He knows that Ken is his best friend but that he is not Ken's best friend and he tries really hard not to think about it. Nobody on the team will ever admit a single positive thing about Tillman Henderson on fear that it would reach him and he would lord it over them until he died. They would later find out that even dying doesn't stop him from doing that.
Since joining the Internet League and getting exposed to somewhat decent people, any improvements in behavior have not been noted. However, Tillman is not actually genuinely bad enough to warrant kicking from the team, especially once the entire city of Baltimore collectively learned what buttons to push to keep him within tolerance levels. However, some new really low prank or get-rich-quick scheme (he is already rich??) is always brewing up in his head and any lull in behavior is just cause for paranoia.
Tillman Henderson has admitted to doing so many stupid things that at this point nobody is sure what is or isn't true about him anymore. Combined with the sense that he's always about to pull something, Baltimore residents have taken up blaming him for just about anything and everything that happens in their day to day lives, and most of the time, they're right.
Cloning Facility And Extended Siesta
During the extended siesta, Tillman discovered a large group of much nicer Tillman clones living in the woods of Maryland, having escaped from the Henderson Cloning Facility and built a life for themselves in the forest. Tillman hired a pirate physicist to create a quantum field interdimensional transporter, transported himself to another dimension with higher technology, and hired another pirate physicist with more advanced technology to create a hyperquantum interdimensional pocket universe entangler, which he used to send the nice Tillman clones to a pocket universe, eliminating any chance of escaping incineration in the process.
Tillman also tried growing a soul patch during the extended siesta.
Conflicting reports abound, despite thousands of witnesses in the stands. Some report Tillman flipping off the umpire with one hand and flipping off the fans with another. Some report Tillman pleading in the face of his mortality for the first time. Some report him getting up close and shouting at the umps, last words: "what are you gonna do, incinerate me?" Only one thing felt for certain: if he ever comes back, it would inflate his ego in the worst way.Rumors were afloat that Henderson made a deal with the umpires to exchange his life for Nagomi Mcdaniel's freedom, after his one and only conversation with the Mother Crab. Tillman would tell you those rumors are true because they sound like a pretty cool thing to have done and that just makes them feel all the less believable. Nagomi was one of the few members of the Crabs who openly loathed Tillman, often leaving the room whenever he would walk in, and declined to comment when pressed, but a sneer makes for an awful poker face.
Return From the Trench
Upon his return from the Trench just prior to the Season 10 postseason, Tillman was noted to be "much easier to get along with" and "slightly more soft-bodied" than the player previously known as Tillman Henderson. Research by ILB reporters and Baltimore tabloid magazines quickly concluded that Tillman was, in fact, no longer the Tillman the Crabs had known and tolerated, and had in fact been replaced by a Tullimonstrum (or Tully Monster). As the new version was much more polite and easier on the eyes, despite being an equally terrible pitcher, his ILB peers quickly accepted the Tullimonstrum as ILB player Tillman Henderson. It is unknown what happened to the “original” Tillman who played for the Baltimore Crabs for Seasons 1-9, and no one cares enough to investigate.
Today, Tillman is a beloved member of the Charleston Shoe Thieves pitching rotation, and enjoys genial relationships with most of the ILB. Despite never knowing the Crabs prior to their ascension, Tillman has admitted to several reporters to "missing [his] dear friends, the Crabs" and "hoping the Crabs come down to visit soon". Tillman has also confessed in interviews to initially thinking the name Tillman was a mispronunciation of Tullimon, but being too nervous to correct anyone. However, he now seems to be comfortable answering to the name Tillman, or nicknames such as Tullman or Tilly Monster.
Tillman is a known enjoyer of smooth jazz and Muzak, and has recently released a spoken-word album of the work of Runolfio Peeper. Tillman is often seen carrying a briefcase, the contents of which are unknown. He has been seen producing Werther's Originals candies from it, as well as tissues, hand lotion, a book of the collected poems of John Keats, and hair ties (despite his own lack of hair). Tillman is thought of as a bastion of positivity in the ILB, and can be heard in the dugout frequently reminding the other Shoe Thieves to stay hydrated, and to do their best on the field.
Tillman is originally from the Mazon Creek fossil beds of Illinois, and as such, enjoys a close friendship with many of the Chicago Firefighters, including Declan Suzanne and Wesley Poole. He can often be found visiting Illinois during siestas and the off-season.It is unknown if Tillman is originally a worm, a mollusc, an arthropod, a conodont, or a vertebrate. It is, however, known that Tillman can make a mean bolognaise sauce for team potlucks.
Crabs Poet Laureate Runolfio Peeper wrote the following poem about Henderson, although he said he "didn't want to":
To write a poem on Tillman is a chore
This unpleasant rotten whiny sad disgrace
Who perhaps it is much better to ignore
I have seen him punch a grandma in the face
Throughout Baltimore his name will earn a curse
And he’s been thrown out of nearly every place
Yes, it’s very hard to find a person worse
He trips waiters when he visits all cafés
And the way he parks his car is near perverse
Plus, of pitching little talent he betrays
His ERA is in the stratosphere
We’re glad he pitches just once in five days
Yet as crass and rude and stupid he appears
If he ever wins a game he’ll earn our cheers.
Following Henderson's incineration, Runolfio Peeper wrote "The Funeral of Tillman Henderson"
The funeral was in a local dive
The only place where Tillman wasn’t banned
He’d burnt most of his bridges while alive
Now burnt himself, the crowd was less than grand
Among those gathered, there were muttered thanks
That we were finally rid this noxious pest.
A lad stepped up, known for his youtube pranks
He was the chosen speaker, he confessed.
Turns out Tillman predicted his demise
And so prepared for us some final words.
We found the opening was no surprise:
“Hey welcome, mourners all, you lousy turds!”
“I felt this day was coming,” Tillman wrote,
“And knew I really couldn’t miss the chance.
To take a moment for a swan-song gloat.
You can’t call me a liar—check my pants!
“I bet I burnt much better than did Combs
And just like Nora, death gave me no fear.
I’m sure the Crabs will make me touching poems
From the Hall of Flame, I’ll wipe those on my rear.
“I’m getting bored of writing all this trash
Thinking of you guys all sad just makes me sick
I really wish I weren’t a pile of ash
So I could tell you all to suck my…” quick
Footsteps echoed in the hall outside
And for a long moment nobody spoke
As if in a dream Tillman hadn’t died—
That he would walk in and reveal the joke.
But it was only Tillman’s father, late,
Who shuffled in with his starched suit and stayed
Just long enough so that he could extricate
The keys to his son’s orange Escalade.
And then, with little else to say, we left,
Crab teammates held Tillman’s urn up high
Like a championship trophy, and heft
His remains to where Tillman would lie.
We laid him as he asked behind the lot
Where the city buried all its toxic waste
And then we gave some mighty spits—we thought
This gesture would be much to Tillman’s taste.
As we walked away we sang a cheery tune,
To honor what from Tillman we had learned:
That death comes unexpected and too soon,
And life is best enjoyed before we’re burned.
Return to Life
Post resurrection, Henderson's parents commented that his legally dead status made it both complicated and unprofitable for them to continue to support (or remain in contact with) their son. When asked for a response as to how this will affect his extravagant lifestyle or emotional wellbeing, Tillman commented that "emotions are cringe and I'm like. The opposite of cringe." The statement was muffled by what appeared to be a mouth full of cold poptart.Henderson specializes in stealing socks.
Despite the fact that Henderson's multiple regular traffic offenses continue to be paid off by his wealthy parents, his mother, Harmony H. Henderson, did not attend his first funeral due to a scheduling conflict. Henderson never fetches his own balls and is frequently late to practice, primarily due to arguing about his height on his own Wikipedia page. Tillman is very above average height and definitely not short at all <—— this was definitely not written by Tillman. An anonymous former teammate describes Henderson as "a wellspring of insecurity."
Henderson has been regularly described as "intolerable," yet somehow, former teammate Kennedy Loser has been seen tolerating Henderson at length, and the two have matching arm tattoos. Similarly, Henderson's motorbike has a sidecar that is regularly occupied by former teammate Tot Fox. Since joining the Charleston Shoe Thieves, a second sidecar for teammate Gunther O'Brian has been attached. When asked, Henderson claims that the sidecars are employed to better allow him to "cause a f*ckus with the boyz." While he is occasionally seen with teammate Stu Trololol as well, manager Cornelius Games has commented that "those two absolutely cannot be together for more than five minutes or I swear to God the insufferable aura they generate will cause a category 5 hurricane of irritation." The veracity of this claim has yet to be tested.He is not a Baltimore native and, when playing for the Crabs, he frequently left the Crabitat while not pitching a game to vacation at his father's summer homes. This behavior did not change when he became a batter, but the commute left him much crankier. Prior to season 9, Tillman stated several times on record that he "cannot be killed" by the rogue umpires. These statements are now on record as notably false.
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