Zoey Kirchner

From Blaseball Wiki

Zoey Kirchner was a pitcher for the Core Mechanics and was with the team from the Season β20 elections until Fall Ball. Kirchner has previously played for the Dallas Steaks.

Official League Records

Kirchner joined the ILB as a pitcher in the Shadows for the Core Mechanics during the Descension.

During the Season β12 elections, Kirchner joined the Mechanics' active roster in exchange for Quinns Jespersen via the Mechanics' Foreshadow will.

During the Season β15 elections, Kirchner gained the Maximalist modification due to the Sky's the Limit blessing.

Kirchner was traded to the Dallas Steaks in exchange for PolkaDot Patterson during the Season β16 elections via the Mechanics' Plunder will.

During the Season β17 elections, Kirchner retreated to the Steaks' Shadows in exchange for Forrest Best as a result of the Steaks' Foreshadow will, becoming a lineup player in the process.

During the Season β19 elections, Kirchner rejoined the Steaks' active roster in exchange for Zephyr McCloud as a result of the Steaks' Foreshadow will, becoming a pitcher again in the process.

Kirchner was traded to the Core Mechanics in exchange for Shirai McElroy during the Season β20 elections via the Mechanics' Equivalent Exchange will.

Over the course of Season β23, Kirchner entered and exited the Mechanics' Shadows four times as a result of Core Pillar Center Fax Machine events, ending the Season on the pitching rotation.

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.


When Zoey Kirchner was only 14 years old, they escaped an unhealthy living environment and found their way Down to the Core. Though never knowing their parents, Kirchner saw their name "Zoey" as a gift from their parents and chose not let it go despite associations with the feminine gender. "Zoey" wasn't a girl's name, it was THEIR name. Kirchner found interest in biomechanics stemming from an interest in biology and in helping people. Biology came as a natural interest for Kirchner as they desired to make their body truly their own and relieve body dysphoria. Multiple bio-modifications paved a path for Kirchner to feel more comfortable in their own skin and also included some subtle changes such as bio-luminescent freckles in place of the ones their had since birth.

Starting around the age of 16, Kirchner found a new obsession: pitching blaseball. When Kirchner first spoke with the then-captain of the Core Mechanics, Kirchner was at a loss for words due to anxiety. When the coach began using sign language in response to Kirchner's silence, Kirchner knew that pitching was a real option for them; they finished out the conversation in sign. Kirchner went into overdrive, practicing their pitching constantly and making use of their mathematical skills to enhance their performance. Calculating angles and predicting how batters respond came naturally to Kirchner. They had sketched diagrams of pitches performed by skilled players containing notes such as "three fingers on the ball until about 50% of the way through" and took every daily single practice session to their absolute limits. All of this eventually became a form of stress relief for Kirchner. One day, far before Kirchner had expected or was ready, they were scouted by the very same aforementioned Mechs' captain. "Zoey Kirchner has a level of fire and passion you can't miss."


Kirchner is known for her stage persona of being a dramatic, highly competitive overconfident hothead. Kirchner can often be seen threatening the opposing batters, bragging that she's number one, cackling evilly, or mocking her teammates for failing to live up to her standard. In between innings, Kirchner can occasionally be found worrying about her teammates' feelings and apologizing preemptively in case she goes too far.

Kirchner has a playful rivalry with every player on her team simultaneously due to her competitive streak. "Zero stars Zoey", according to one Lady Matsuyama, is "the worst pitcher ever to grace the league. So bad you don't understand. Don't even bother looking at her stats - absolutely awful. It's all lies." When asked about this comment, Kirchner smiled and responded "Please. I outpitch all of them combined," walking off with an evil cackle.

After Season 13, she has adopted Evelton McBlase II as a "henchman" to aid with "definitely super evil jerk things. I deserve a henchman for being so evil."

While on the field, Kirchner's rude mannerisms know no bounds, including littering on the field, spitting gum, double-parking, loitering under "no loitering" signs, stealing snacks to replace them with non-moldy ones, and making faces at players when their backs are turned. Some fans claim to have seen Kirchner sneaking into the Core Pillars after hours to clean this litter up, however Kirchner denies these rumors.


Kirchner's body is acidic, causing many untreated materials such as blaseballs to dissolve on contact. Kirchner uses custom chemical-resistant equipment such as gloves and a fiberglass mitt designed by Shirai McElroy on the field.

When Kirchner wins a game, the Mechanics had a tradition of dunking themselves in acid proofing and running onto the pitch to give a celebratory hug. However, this rarely happens, as Zoey Kirchner is objectively a terrible pitcher [citation needed].


Kirchner claims to live purely for the splort, thriving off their natural talent. However, she can be seen spending long hours practicing after every game to alleviate worries of disappointing fans.

Kirchner is a practicing biomechanic, having modified their own body to help them feel more comfortable.

Kirchner is also a hobby sculptor, using their acidic arms to cut through materials like stone with ease. Kirchner has also been deeply involved with historical preservation of the Core and the Pillars stadium. Kirchner has spearheaded several public works projects and has been personally involved with the restoration of several pieces that were thought to be lost or irreparable. Kirchner insists that she's "only interested for tax purposes. I hate art," however, as the Core is post-scarcity and does not use money, Kirchner has demonstrably never paid any taxes in her life.

Fan Works