Kennedy Loser

Art by @jennayowza

Kennedy Loser
Basic Information
Team	Baltimore Crabs
Status	Alive
Batting	★★1/2
Pitching	★★
Defense	★★★★
Running	★★★★
Personal Information
Item	None
Armor	None
Evolution	Base
Pregame Ritual	Tarot
Coffee Style	Decaf
Blood Type	Love
Fate	83
Soulscream	UEEIXUEEIXUXXAHAXXAHAXHOAUAHOAUAHEEAIAEEAIAEIIAAEIIAAEI

Kennedy Loser is a player for the Baltimore Crabs. They have played for the team since Season 1.

Official League Records

Loser is perhaps best known for their home run in the 20th inning that brought the Crabs to an 8-6 victory over the Breckenridge Jazz Hands on day 52 of Blaseball Season 2.

History

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Loser stated in an interview that while they were previously known as Loser Kennedy, they swapped their first and last names to avoid the Kennedy curse. They have also stated that their favorite part of any blaseball game is hearing a stadium shout "Loser! Loser! Loser!" and that they are "fueled by hate."

While they have successfully avoided the nominative phenomenon known as the "Kennedy curse," it is theorized that Kennedy has harbored a "Loser aura" since the name change, causing nearby batters—both on the Crabs and the opposing team—to make horrible mistakes. Although this theory has not yet been proven, it may help to explain why so many ground outs are hit to Kennedy Loser, and why they seem to be incapable of hitting a ball 90% of the time. Believers in the "Loser aura" are also split on whether it is connected to incidents of The Olde One seeming to speak through Loser.

Loser is often described as a father figure by many of the Crabs. "It's like, he doesn't always get your music or understand why you're wearing you cap backwards but he's always at the grill come BBQ day and he's saved a hot dog just for you."

Loser is known to have a matching arm tattoo with Tillman Henderson.

In Literature

Crabs poet Laureate Runolfio Peeper wrote the following poem about Loser's most famous game:

The score was tied, and the time was dire

When Kennedy Loser grabbed his bat.

We shouted his name, a chaotic choir,

As he rose from the dugout and doffed his hat,

He took a step, tripped, and fell down flat.

And at this sign, we all sighed and knew

This game might never end, and also that

This man was a loser, through and through.

The inning was twenty, the hour ticking down,

And Kennedy wiped his hands on his pants.

He minced to the plate, his face in a frown,

He tested his swing and his feet did a dance.

He stared at the pitcher, awaiting his chance,

Then, just incredible! He tumbled to!

He had fallen again, and lay there askance.

This man was a loser, through and through

There were two outs, and a man on first base,

As Kennedy pushed himself to his feet.

Our hopes were dismal as he took his place,

And everyone said he looked slightly beat.

He stood like a stone; felt the first fastball’s heat,

“Strike one!” We all heard. And then a “Strike two!”

He looked gone and lost, like he couldn’t compete;

This man was a loser, through and through.

A double spillover? We looked at the clock.

Kennedy readjusted, tense but unbowed,

And met the next pitch with a titanic knock.

The ball raced away, disappeared in a cloud,

And Kennedy turned and spoke to the crowd

“Ask not what Mother Crab can do for you!”

Then he rounded the bases, beaming and proud.

This Loser a winner, through and through.

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Interdimensional Rumor Mill

If you would like to edit this entry, click IF-65.907, or if you would like to see a list of all Rumors for this player, click Rumor Registry. To read all about the Interdimensional Rumor Mill, visit Interdimensional Rumor Mill.

Private Life

Loser is often described as a father figure by many of the Crabs. "It's like, he doesn't always get your music or understand why you're wearing you cap backwards but he's always at the grill come BBQ day and he's saved a hot dog just for you."

When asked about Kennedy in a 1994 interview, Combs Duende stated "Loser is an absolute sweetheart. He'll help out the newer players with their batting technique, he'll shout nice things across the diamond. Stuff like that. Man, one time he comes into the dugout with a walkman, some new Garages joint playing and he obviously doesn't like it but talking about how he's trying to connect with us. It's real sweet. Or like one time he just borrows one of the ride-on mowers after the game, just to try it out. Obviously having the time of his life chugging around at 5 miles per hour."

Loser has been married for years, though his spouse has stayed out of the public eye. Loser is reportedly "extremely happy" with his husband, but his colleagues, such as Enid Marlow and Conner Haley have openly questioned the match, stating that the "vibes" are "bad". While it is likely that Loser will one day succumb to the fires of incineration, many of his teammates express a mix of worry, concern, and monetary bets that his husband will use the cover of incinerations to collect on Loser's sizable life insurance policy.

Loser is known to have a matching arm tattoo with Tillman Henderson.

Less Private Life

Since the election in Season 15, Kennedy Loser has been dealing with a bad case of being very haunted. Luckily he seems to be taking this in stride, welcoming in the new ghosts and apparitions into his life with increasing frequency. Loser has expressed relief at seeing old friends and new faces on both in games, in his flat, and visiting the Clawliday Inn after games to unwind.

Tillman Henderson has made several appearances in games, but has also stuck around afterwards, often getting Loser banned from bars and other nearby establishments, doing vape tricks, or just all around getting into trouble. However Henderson also has been reported to take care of common household tasks that Loser finds tedious, like re-seasoning cast-iron pans, separating recycling, and keeping an eye on him when Loser is consumed by the call of the werecrab within him once a month.

Another common visitor is the recently deceased Luis Acevedo who has been taking the opportunity to work on Loser’s personal style alongside fellow Crab Trinity Smaht. While Loser does not have the patience or drive to work on it himself, Acevedo and Smaht are happy to figure out what shades of lipstick suit him and take care of his nails while he’s being possessed. For his part Loser has been having a great time with the new looks, and is glad to see the two of them getting along.

An Alternate: Wrong Number

In the Season 22 Election Kennedy Loser’s Alternate was called onto the Crabs. While it seemed at first that his reality lined up very closely with our known reality, Pedro Davids, the last original member of the Crabs on the team after Loser, found himself cataloging a number of minor differences. For instance Loser seemed to prefer his coffee black now, used a different locker, and had reacted with barely concealed confusion the first time someone mentioned the First World War. This led to Davids spending time going over historical events, and realizing that the further back they went, the more the two diverged on their stories. Once the Discipline Era began it seemed the two were mostly in sync, but Davids did wonder if there were other changes that Loser simply chose not to disclose.

A Ghostly Presence

On Day 30 of season 20 Shannon Chamberlain of the Louisville Lobsters stepped up to the plate for the Baltimore Crabs, inhabiting Kennedy Loser, before being interrupted by Conner Haley getting caught stealing a base, ending the inning. This resulted in a strange affliction where Chamberlain simply didn’t leave. Through the Expansion Era Loser gained a companion for the various highs and lows and ends of the world. When asked about Chamberlain, Loser would often make vague statements or complain that they would not stop heckling the other ghosts.

In the final season of the Expansion Era , Chamberlain grew morose, with the determination that “it’s all happening again isn’t it?”, often chiding the attempts of the league to fight against their fates or work together towards an end, and generally unimpressed with the state of the game and confident they know how this story would end. This remained true right until the Black Hole nullified the Philly Pies at which point they exclaimed “holy ***** did you see that?” and admitted that maybe this season might not be what they expected.

Towards The Event Horizon

As the Black Hole opened up and teams were given the ability to steer themselves to their final destination, Kennedy Loser had a choice to make. In his long years as captain, and surviving the first Crab Reckoning as well as Day X, he had many thoughts about what it meant to fight a God. There were sacrifices that would have to be made, and he had made them. In fact several members of the team had. He got together with the longest serving members of the team, Pedro Davids and Finn James, and the three of them had a long, occasionally heated, discussion on what to do. In the end it was decided that they would not put their uninitiated teammates through the same struggles they had faced. They did not need to sacrifice themselves for this case, so they chose not to. James was unhappy with this outcome, Loser was uncharacteristically firm in this decision, leaving Davids to wonder if perhaps there were things Loser was leaving out of his alternate timeline, but as the team packed up and headed for the new Horizon they did it together, and awaited the end of the word.