Conner Haley

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Conner Haley was a lineup player for the Charleston Shoe Thieves, and was with the team from the Season β22 elections until Fall Ball. Haley has played for the Baltimore Crabs, San Francisco Lovers, and Dallas Steaks.

Official League Records

Haley joined the ILB as a pitcher for the Dallas Steaks with the Return of Blaseball.

Haley was the winning pitcher in Game 93 of Season β4, leading the Steaks to an underdog 4-3 victory over the Boston Flowers and clinching a playoff berth for Dallas.

Haley became a lineup player after the Steaks won the Mutual Aid blessing in the Season β5 Elections, swapping places with August Mina.

Haley's stats were improved by 25% after the Steaks won the Rate and Review, brought to you by The Multitude Podcast Collective blessing in the Season β6 Elections. This also changed Haley's pre-game ritual from "Barrel of fish" to "Podcasts."

During the Season β9 election, Haley became Spicy due to the Seattle Garages winning the Hot Sauce Bar blessing.

During the Coffee Cup, Haley played for the Light & Sweet Electric Co. as a lineup player.

On Season β18, Day 85, Haley was exchanged to the San Francisco Lovers due to Feedback. Haley was replaced by Knight Triumphant.

On Season β19, Day 62, Haley was exchanged to the Baltimore Crabs due to Feedback. Haley was replaced by Tot Fox.

During the Season β21 elections, the Crabs attempted to use their Equivalent Exchange Will to trade Haley with James Mora, however, as Mora had been Vaulted, James Mora II was added to the Crabs' lineup instead, and Haley remained. Haley was then traded to the Dallas Steaks in exchange for Jessica Telephone as a result of the Steaks' Equivalent Exchange Will.

Haley was traded to the Charleston Shoe Thieves in exchange for Jessica Telephone during the Season β22 elections via the Steaks' Equivalent Exchange will.


The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Pitching Career, Seasons 1-5

While arguably one of their worst pitchers, Haley is also the most dedicated to the team's grill-loving aesthetic. Haley speaks very little, except on the topic of meat. He has an extensive knowledge of cooking, smoking, and grilling, which he puts to use during pre- and post-game rituals. Team members have noted that nearly all of their conversations with Haley have involved meat, despite their best efforts.

Whether in conversation, during a game, or even when grilling, Haley's eyes are always focused somewhere to the right of his intended target. The exact cause is unclear, though Dr. Ham Sanders, the team's parapsychologist, believes it is directly related to his exposure to Blaseball. Haley refuses to acknowledge this behavior, and grows frustrated or even hostile when confronted about this quirk.

Due to Haley's lack of enthusiasm about nearly any topic, interviews with Haley have been unsuccessful in providing much background on the player. His interests in meat stop short of explaining the source of his fascination, and almost all conversations return to his preferred topic. His most informative answer that did not circle back to meat or grilling was in response to a question about his home town: "I'm from Dallas. Well, I don't live in Dallas, but it's Dallas."

Batting Career, Season 6 and Onward

After the Steaks finished their Season 5 Postseason run, Haley was reportedly in a bit of a funk, refusing to even discuss brisket smoking techniques. One night, Haley was out stargazing near his Metroplex home when he saw a dazzling comet in the sky above him. It was marked with the stitches of a Blaseball, and it passed within tens of miles of the Earth's surface, leaving behind a brilliant streak of light. A voice followed after it: "Ball. 1-0 count." This shook Haley to his core, according to his account.

Astronomers report no such sighting from that night, and Dr. Ham Sanders speculates that it might be another manifestation of Haley's exposure to Blaseball. However, locals in the area report that Haley cooked a steak medium well for a guest who had asked for it cooked medium that same night, a mistake that anyone who knows Haley can attest he would never make under normal circumstances.

The next day, Haley entered Philomena A. Minyon's office, intending to ask for time off to reflect on his place in the universe. Instead, Haley was informed that he and August Mina were switching positions, as they were both "the worst" in their respective roles, and Minyon handed him a bat. Haley said that he understood and left the room, mentioning something about needing to grill some meat.

That night, Haley reports that he saw that same comet again, this time heading straight for him. Instead of fear, Haley was filled with determination; taking his new bat in hand, he swung at the comet just as it approached, splitting it into two perfect halves with remarkable steak-like marbling and sending them flying back into space. At the moment of contact, his being was infused with the boundless power of the cosmos and the infinite longing of the space between stars. Haley reports that he then heard the same voice from the previous night call out a simple message: "Well Done."

Though nobody is quite sure if the tale of Haley's Comet is pure folklore or an amazing truth, one thing is sure: From that day on, nobody ever asked if Haley wanted to switch back to pitching, as he began tearing up the League as an undeniable powerhouse of a hitter.

They do keep asking Haley about meat from time to time, though, and he appreciates that.

Postseason 6: Rate and Review Blessing

Following Haley's remarkable hitting performance in Season 6, he gained even more power during the offseason leading up to Season 7. There are numerous rumors about what may be the source of his new strength, including:

  • Another visit from the Comet
  • Being infused with stardust
  • Gaining an understanding of the infinite after much time spent in deep meditation
  • Perfectly grilling a medium rare ribeye during the autumnal equinox
  • While other teams were winning series, he studied the bat
  • Leaving a positive review for his favorite podcasts
  • Getting enough sleep, drinking more water, and eating a little healthier

It is unclear which of these rumors (if any) are true. Haley remains reluctant to discuss topics other than meat, but seems more open than in earlier seasons.

Joining the San Francisco Lovers

In season 18, Haley was Feedbacked to the San Francisco Lovers, trading places with Knight Triumphant.

Joining the Baltimore Crabs

Upon joining the Crabs due to another Feedback in Season 19, Haley was quick to identify their captain Kennedy Loser well known for being one of the few haunted players in the league. While he denies any claims that he was avoiding Loser to ensure there was no chance of any dramatic reconciliations with a certain deceased player, Haley did notably spend a significant portion of his first season, and his first offseason Elsewhere. Once Haley had a better handle on the haunting situation however he was a fine addition to the Crabs, and could often be found discussing cooking and grilling techniques with Loser, or enjoying a quiet and somewhat exhausted drink alongside Fran Beans during her stint on the Crabs.

On day 82 of Season 21, Haley watched with the other Crabs as Forrest Best was once again redacted from his home team in Dallas and felt remorse at not at least being present for it. The Crabs likewise mourned the second loss of a close friend, and they took the time to reassure Haley that all the ominous looming, assorted petty theft, and unidentified tapping noises meant that Best had been happy on its’ new team, even if it didn’t always express it in a traditional manner.

When Haley returned to the Steaks in the Season 21 Election he left with fond memories of Baltimore and her people, as well as a very large stock of Old Bay and seafood grilling techniques that the locals were delighted to show off to the experienced griller.

Conner Facts

  • Haley's walk-out music is "Shooting Star" by Bad Company.
  • Haley has refused on several occasions to participate in the Greazy's Steakhouse 96 Oz. Beef Catastrophe Challenge, claiming, "It's disrespectful to the meat."
  • Haley is in a relationship with former Dallas Steaks batter Sebastian Telephone.[1]

Fan Works