Kennedy Loser/Rumor Registry
Kennedy Loser has 8 Rumors written so far.
Rumors
Loser stated in an interview that while they were previously known as Loser Kennedy, they swapped their first and last names to avoid the Kennedy curse. They have also stated that their favorite part of any blaseball game is hearing a stadium shout "Loser! Loser! Loser!" and that they are "fueled by hate."
While they have successfully avoided the nominative phenomenon known as the "Kennedy curse," it is theorized that Kennedy has harbored a "Loser aura" since the name change, causing nearby batters—both on the Crabs and the opposing team—to make horrible mistakes. Although this theory has not yet been proven, it may help to explain why so many ground outs are hit to Kennedy Loser, and why they seem to be incapable of hitting a ball 90% of the time. Believers in the "Loser aura" are also split on whether it is connected to incidents of The Olde One seeming to speak through Loser.
Crabs poet Laureate Runolfio Peeper wrote the following poem about Loser's most famous game:
The score was tied, and the time was dire When Kennedy Loser grabbed his bat. We shouted his name, a chaotic choir, As he rose from the dugout and doffed his hat, He took a step, tripped, and fell down flat. And at this sign, we all sighed and knew This game might never end, and also that This man was a loser, through and through.
The inning was twenty, the hour ticking down, And Kennedy wiped his hands on his pants. He minced to the plate, his face in a frown, He tested his swing and his feet did a dance. He stared at the pitcher, awaiting his chance, Then, just incredible! He tumbled to! He had fallen again, and lay there askance. This man was a loser, through and through
There were two outs, and a man on first base, As Kennedy pushed himself to his feet. Our hopes were dismal as he took his place, And everyone said he looked slightly beat. He stood like a stone; felt the first fastball’s heat, “Strike one!” We all heard. And then a “Strike two!” He looked gone and lost, like he couldn’t compete; This man was a loser, through and through.
A double spillover? We looked at the clock. Kennedy readjusted, tense but unbowed, And met the next pitch with a titanic knock. The ball raced away, disappeared in a cloud, And Kennedy turned and spoke to the crowd “Ask not what Mother Crab can do for you!” Then he rounded the bases, beaming and proud. This Loser a winner, through and through.
Kennedy Loser was born Loser Kennedy somewhere in Appalachia. He changed his name and fled to Baltimore, Maryland for undisclosed reasons. His childhood closeness to his grandmother, Velma Kennedy, and her strange fixation on prophecy and apocalyptic imagery led to his eventual closeness to the Olde One and his proclivity for tarot.
Kennedy joined the Baltimore Crabs' original lineup upon their incorporation into what would eventually become the Internet League. He became the close friend and confidante of Combs Duende, the former unofficial team captain, and directly served alongside them in the war against the Olde One. Loser's experience in the fight and association with Duende, as well as shared trauma from the tragedy of the situation, shaped Loser into a sort of team "dad" figure, who many of the other Crabs looked up to for guidance. In a 201X interview with Wow! Blaseball, Tillman Henderson stated that he could "just barely stand" Loser, and that this was "more than [he] could say for the rest of those clowns." Players from both the Crabs and other teams considered Loser's townhouse a sort of neutral zone, where anyone who needed a place to stay could do so with no questions asked.
Loser is often described as a father figure by many of the Crabs. "It's like, he doesn't always get your music or understand why you're wearing you cap backwards but he's always at the grill come BBQ day and he's saved a hot dog just for you."
When asked about Kennedy in a 1994 interview, Combs Duende stated "Loser is an absolute sweetheart. He'll help out the newer players with their batting technique, he'll shout nice things across the diamond. Stuff like that. Man, one time he comes into the dugout with a walkman, some new Garages joint playing and he obviously doesn't like it but talking about how he's trying to connect with us. It's real sweet. Or like one time he just borrows one of the ride-on mowers after the game, just to try it out. Obviously having the time of his life chugging around at 5 miles per hour."
Loser has been married for 53 years, though his spouse has stayed out of the public eye. Loser is reportedly "extremely happy" with his husband, but his colleagues, such as Enid Marlow and Conner Haley have openly questioned the match, stating that the "vibes" are "bad". While it is likely that Loser will one day succumb to the fires of incineration, many of his teammates express a mix of worry, concern, and monetary bets that his husband will use the cover of incinerations to collect on Loser's sizable life insurance policy.
Loser is known to have a matching arm tattoo with Tillman Henderson.
Kennedy Loser co-captains the Baltimore Crabs alongside Forrest Best and Brock Forbes. The general triumverate of co-captaining is that Kennedy and Forrest are the emotional pillars, here to support the team on a personal level, Kennedy and Brock are representative pillars, handling most of the on-paper team management, and Forrest and Brock are the protective pillars, doing the hands-on work against literal hostile forces that threaten the team. Combs Duende was the sole team captain up until their incineration, and Kennedy quickly and sloppily took the role, biting off way more than he could chew. The others stepped up after the Crabs had been spiralling for much of that season.
Kennedy Loser compulsively copes with stress by externalizing his focus to caring for others, especially so now that he holds teamwide responsibilities. He has become "everyone's dad" in a way that is both endearing but also exhausting, but he loves his fellow and former Crabs so much that he couldn't imagine it being any other way for the longest time. Much of his responsibilities as a captain involve micromanaging the Crabs to maximize having all of their needs met and comforts accounted for through a series of complex nested juggling acts. This process became significantly easier and more streamlined once Tillman Henderson was incinerated, to the point where Kennedy felt empty inside, because so much of his daily energy had been dedicated toward herding him around to minimize damage.
After repeatedly getting tageted by blood drain in season 10, both he and the rest of the Crabs realized that he was pushing himself too hard. As the team prepared for ascension, he tried to reconnect with the Crabs in a way that doesn't feel so one-sided, but had a profoundly difficult time not being seen as a surrogate father. This twelveish-person coming of age experience for the other Crabs has been difficult, as all coming of ages are and at any age they may happen, but, nevertheless, there is progress. Since ascension, there have been no reports back from the team, so nobody knows if they're all a little more comfortable with each other yet or not.
Kennedy's fire got burnt out in the wake of the Crab Reckoning, reeling from the loss of Finn James and wandering the gasping wreckage of his city. For a time he directed himself everywhere and nowhere, rapidly depressurizing, and for a much longer time after, he directed himself towards those he was close to; his teammates, his loved ones. Kennedy didn't take on the responsibility of 'team dad' right away, but he took whatever responsibilities he could to help, if it just meant having a focus, and when Combs wasn't there to hold him back from biting off too much more than he could chew anymore, he slid seamlessly into the captain's seat. As one of the three captains, Kennedy primarily sought a nurturing role, but knows all too well that gentleness and violence are not opposites.
Like his co-captain, Brock Forbes, it isn't that Kennedy doesn't feel anger, just, the everpresent existential rage against god has given way to smoke and exhaustion for him, dimmed into a static simmer. So when he sees that anger in his crew, he wants to stoke it, he wants to cup his hand against the wind to protect it, he wants to teach them how to use it. Because he's seen what that anger can do. And like Brock, it makes him so proud to see. And unlike Brock, it makes him so, so afraid.
Kennedy is married. This came as a surprise to many of the Crabs, who did not even realize that he was married to the person he kept bringing over to their gatherings, until the very day of ascension when he brought up in conversation, "I am going to miss my husband." Kennedy's husband is named Terry. They love each other very much. Terry doesn't really 'get' the whole blaseball thing, but hey, it's Ken's job, and they want to be supportive.
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