UserWiki:UnabashedlyRose

Before Blaseball

Jessica Telephone sprang fully formed from a payphone a few years ago, seconds before her brother Sebastian Telephone. Jessica's emergence from the payphone is no accident. She exists as synchronous quantum waveform in the 80s decade of every century of human history - and possibly beyond. Each at-bat for Jessica Telephone, she emerges from her phone booth as a particular century's incarnation of the Eternal Jessica. This time it may be the classic 1980s Telephone, carefully teased and feathered hair tucked under her helmet. In another inning, the plate is graced with 980s Telephone, fresh from the viking raids on the hapless Anglo-Saxons. Her next appearance may come in a spray of lasers and 4-D holograms as 2380s Telephone takes her turn at bat.

A Short Story on UnabashedlyRose

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Shared Traits

Telephone remembers every moment of the countless 80s decades that she's lived through. Her past is constantly in flux, however. While primary aspects of her identity remain constant, everything she lived through is subject to change as she grows as a person. What she remembers shifts — except in the unique pocket of time that blaseball sits, where she often finds herself remembering multiple versions of events. The unique temporal effects of blaseball have resulted in Telephone being rendered unable to see her future, a unique circumstance for her that she reportedly finds liberating.

Visiting fans and flans have asked for her number in the past. None have been successful, but there is still hope. That phantom buzz in your pocket when you don't have your phone on you? That's a missed call from Jessica Telephone and you're lucky you didn't answer.

The concept of gender does not, never has, and never will have much meaning at all to Telephone. However, she identifies as a transgender woman.

Blaseball Career

Starting with the Steaks

Jessica Telephone started from humble beginnings with the Dallas Steaks in Season 1 alongside her twin Sebastian Telephone. The two of them managed to take the team to the postseason where they were knocked out by the Chicago Firefighters, but the team was just happy to celebrate making it that far. In the very first election since the return, Jessica Telephone was empowered with the Dial Tone - making her the best batter in the league. This quickie took her from her humble beginnings and thrust her to the center of the league as she was traded to the winners of the first season of the ILB - the Philly Pies.

First Stint with the Pies

As Telephone grew to fame as statistically the greatest player in blaseball in season 2, her popularity skyrocketed. Many fans were particularly enthralled with her love life. Throughout the various 80s, she had been married to any number of women, often at the same time. A cult following developed around this aspect of her life, and many of the Telephones that emerged from the payphone to bat were happy to indulge questions and bask in the love of fans. Others quickly and quietly retreated to the phone booth after batting.

From conversations with the talkative Telephones, it has emerged that Telephone has had a number of long term relationships with women and several marriages, but she maintains a degree of privacy about her romantic life and the identity of these women is currently unknown. This has not stopped rumors from springing up; countless individuals are said to have been past, present, or future paramours of Jessica Telephone, including Sappho of Lesbos, Aphra Behn, and that cute girl with the undercut who works at Best Buy.

Career as a Tiger

Telephone's arrival to Hades began with a communication error, when general manager Fearful Symmetry demanded a phone for her office, and pitching coach Kick Rocks instead called upon an ancient pact to summon Jessica Telephone. According to legend, at that moment a blood-drenched payphone appeared before 480 BCE Spartan Jessica. saying "YOU ARE RECEIVING A COLLECT CALL FROM [a chorus of shrieking souls, thousands of angry teeth gnashing in unison, the cosmic blood of a broken moon.] DO YOU ACCEPT THE CHARGES?" She smiled slyly, revealing a mouth of razor-sharp teeth, before stepping into the phone booth and vanishing with a thunderous crack.

While in Hades, Jessica picked up the nickname "Jessica Persephone". Due to peculiarities of the Hadean local dialect, the nickname is pronounced [ˈpɚsəfoʊn], as an overcorrection for pronouncing her surname as [təˈlɛfəniː]. It's been noticed that the tangible forms of Eternal Jessica seem to be skewing somewhat older in history while she resides in Hades; ancient Greece and Rome have been especially common.

Several fans who were in the audience of game 2 of the Season 3 championship claim that moments after the incineration of Landry Violence, Telephone answered a call on the Dial Tone.

Jessica Phones Home - Return to the Pies

by @Nicole_alt_del

During a Season 4 match against the Tigers, Phillies shortstop Spears Taylor called Telephone to ask if she wanted to carpool to the local BLM rally after the game. The phone call inadvertently triggered Feedback, causing Jessica to emerge from Spears’s cellphone and take over their position on the Pies team.

Both the Tigers and Pies were sad to see their teammates go, but wished them well in their future careers. The Pies for their part held a “Jessica Phones Home” parade in center city; featuring all the Philly players on floats, flaky crust confetti, and the Philadelphia Philling leading the Drexel University marching band in a jazz rendition of Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.” Telephone called the city’s response to her return “very sweet” and “honestly a little much.”

Overnight, Philadelphia’s population grew 1.8% due to all of Telephone’s wives, girlfriends, and fans moving into the city.

The Shelling

After the Season 6 regular season, one incarnation of Telephone was condemned to the inside of a peanut shell, where she remained for several months. This impressionable young Telephone was unaccustomed to staying on the blaseball field for long, typically batting and returning to the phone. While in the shell, her boredom overtook her and she passed the time by practicing rapping Eminem's song "Rap God," the only song that the groundskeeper played every night. Upon emerging from the shell after being pecked out by birds, she put on an impromptu performance for her teammates and all of the Blaseball news media, sending them into a frenzy.

Telephone tried to return to her phone, but she was shocked to find that her connection had been severed. She tried to live up to the "cool" image that many seemed to have of her, but her Internet research for "cool" instead led to images of skateboarding and vaping. She dedicated herself to these things in an attempt to be seen as effortlessly cool, though many of her former fans were turned off by her new image.

Telephone was a little relieved when she found herself in a shell at the end of season 8, both tired from the effort of trying to seem cool and hoping that this new shelling would restore her connection to the telephone.

Telephone emerged in season 9 as a part of the SHELLED ONES PODS and defeated both the Charleston Shoe Thieves and the Baltimore Crabs before being brought down by the Hall Stars on Season 10 Day X.

The Breath Mints

After the events of Day X Telephone was returned to the ILB and landed with the Kansas City Breath Mints. Not much is known about her time on the Mints or which Telephone emerged from that booth to join the Mints. The only record of her time there was the letter she received from the Kansas Judicial Branch informing her that she had failed the bar exam.

The Mexico City Wild Wings

In season 12 Telephone was traded to the Mexico City Wild Wings and found a familiar face in Burke Gonzales from her time co-captaining in Macchiato City. Gonzales however was preoccupied with both the recent incineration of Case Sports as well as the trading of Joshua Watson to the Kansas City Breath Mints. Nevertheless the spotlight followed Telephone to Mexico City, though this particular Telephone had moved on from her glory days and was happy to use the threat of the Wild Wings Legal department to keep press at bay. Telephone instead chose to focus on the fundamentals, and acted as the Wing’s hitting coach. Roscoe Sundae was quoted saying it was “nice that they were letting their newest rookie be involved in the team”. While it’s difficult to say if the Wing’s offence improved during her stint at least one of the Cell Barajas does credit Telephone with the suggestion that she should start pitching instead of batting which was of great help to the Wing’s defence.

No one has been able to confirm if Telephone ever partook in Rafael Davids' infamous pitching juice, and Telephone denies any claims that she had ever “picked it up by accident and downed the glass before she realized what it was”.

The Breath Mints (Redux)

In season 13 Telephone once again found herself in Kansas City, and the reports of her activities dried up immediately. This time however, reporters were able to uncover a letter from the Kansas Judicial Branch saying that, despite her time with the Wild Wings Legal Team, when Jessica Telephone had retaken the bar exam she had somehow managed an even lower score than her original season 11 outcome.

The Philly Pies

In a return to form, Telephone spent season 14 with the Philly Pies.

The Hades Tigers

In an even more consistent return to form, in Season 15 Telephone was traded to the Hades Tigers.