New York Millennials
For other uses, see Millennials (disambiguation).
The New York Millennials are a Blaseball team in the Chaotic Good division of the Good League. They have been a part of the Blaseball League since Season 1, and claim to be "the gayest team in blaseball[1]".
Franchise
Ownership Controversy
Little is known about the shadowy and secretive cabal of Millennials who make up the ownership of the New York Blaseball team and serve as its namesake. It is also unknown how far into the standard 1000-year life cycle each of the Millennials who own the team are.
Recently, critics have leveled accusations against the direction of the team's marketing, claiming that the over-reliance on "Millennial Memes" targeting the Millennial generation to form their team's identity (and baffling demand that each player have a "Side Hustle") is merely a way to shrug off critical questions about the exact nature and goals of the ownership.
Stadium
The Millennials' stadium is the Fifth Borough of New York, Battin' Island.
Corporate Sponsorships
After Basethirst's failed launch attempt and mysterious reappearance on shelves, A sponsorship deal was announced on the Millennials twitter account, with Dominic Marijuana acting as the face of the brand. Both the Ceaseless Thirst Corporation and the ownership of the Millenials have refused to comment on whether players other than Marijuana are being paid for the sponsorship, leading to widespread criticism and light rioting from the anti-capitalist wings of the fan base. Dominic avoided backlash from fans and fellow players when it was revealed that his sponsorship money was being used to help Blaseball stadium janitors try out for Blittle league.
In response to the Basethirst sponsorship, The Millennials Players Union are officially partnered with the Plabst Blue Ribbon Workers' Union.
Players
Batters
- Dominic Marijuana
- Mclaughlin Scorpler
- Conrad Vaughan
- Thomas Dracaena
- Schneider Bendie
- Wesley Dudley
- Richardson Games
- Winnie Mccall
- Sandie Turner
Pitchers
Former Players
Incinerated
- Scrap Murphy (Season 2)
- Chorby Soul (Season 3)
Transferred
- N/A
Season Results
Season 1
The inaugural Blaseball League season saw the New York Millennials finish a disappointing fifth place in the competitive Chaotic Good division, missing the playoffs.
Season 2
The first season of The Discipline Era saw the Millennials once again finish in fifth place in the Chaotic Good division with a record of 44 wins and 55 losses. Lackluster pitching was the hallmark of the season for the Millennials, overshadowing stellar performances by Dominic Marijuana and Thomas Dracaena who were consistently among the league's most potent home run hitters.
At the end of Season 2, the Election and Blessing results resulted in a highly favorable outcome for the Millennials. The team was granted a Fourth Strike, and with 26% of all submitted ballots also won a Soul Swap. The following changes occurred, violently:
- Randomized the pitching stats for the New York Millennials's worst player, Theodore Cervantes. 0.5 -> 3.5
- Randomized the pitching stats for the New York Millennials's worst player, Fynn Doyle. 0.5 -> 2
- Randomized the hitting stats for the New York Millennials's worst player, Richardson Games. 1 -> 2
- Randomized the hitting stats for the New York Millennials's worst player, Winnie Mccall. 1 -> 3
- Randomized the hitting stats for the New York Millennials's worst player, Conrad Vaughan. 1.5 -> 2.5
These improvements were celebrated by Millennial fans during the off season. This joy was peppered with reservations around the weighty existential terror expressed in the screams of the soul swapped players.
The screams prompted fans to ask questions about the metaphysical nightmare their players were now living.
This has led to a set of conflicting but often overlapping theories about the finer details of swapping souls. It is widely agreed that the original soul is removed in whole or shaved down to make room for other soul(s). There is debate around the soul which is introduced to the players body as well. It may be an amalgamation of souls pushed together in a spiritual blender with the sole purpose of creating a better Blaseball player.
In the event of multiple timelines it is possible that a players soul is ripped from a different timeline in order to improve their skills in this one. In this case is it hypothesized that parts of the recipient’s soul and the donor‘s soul are lost in this process. What happens to the donor body from the alternate timeline is currently unknown.
Alternatively the Blaseball Gods themselves may have a stable of souls which they keep on hand for cases such as this.
Season 3
Largely on the back of the beneficial effects of the Soul Swap and added Fourth Strike, the Millennials raced to a Good League-best record of 65-34, second overall only to the 70-29 Hades Tigers.
In the Season 3 post-season (their first), the Millennials defeated the Dallas Steaks 3-1, then defeated the San Francisco Lovers 3-1, and ultimately lost 3-2 to the Hades Tigers in the finals.
Historic Moments
Garbage Day (Season 2, Day 49)
Squaring off against the 38-11 Dallas Steaks midway through Season 2, the Millennials pulled off a surprise win after upstart pitcher Felix Garbage dominated the Steaks into extra innings, and a solo home run by star player Thomas Dracaena put the Millennials on top (and the Steaks in Shame) at the bottom of 15 innings.
Fan Art
 Logo by Cobaltcakes. | |
|---|---|
 "The Mills" New York Millennials lettering by andreastreeter |
