Jon Halifax/IF-08.185
Rumor / Community LoreThis article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community. It is just one of many Rumors that we've found in the Interdimensional Rumor Mill. You can find more Rumors about Jon Halifax at their Rumor Registry.
Background
Jon Halifax joined the Baltimore Crabs midway through the second game of Season 17, after being caught by Adalberto Tosser rifling around in the Crabitat’s player registry cabinets immediately following the untimely death of pitcher Luis Acevedo. It was not clear how he had gotten into the building nor what he was doing there, but upon being questioned, he insisted he was the replacement pitcher requested by the league, and no Crabs felt up to the task that day of arguing with him.
Halifax stands about 6 foot 4 and is usually seen wearing a full professional suit and tie. He has almost exclusively been photographed sporting mirrored black shades and hand-knit orange arm warmers that cover his forearms from wrist to elbow. Halifax’s wardrobe does not seem to be affected by increased temperatures on the field nor the practicalities of pitching, though he will tell you that rolling up his sleeves increases his aerodynamics. It is unclear whether this trick has actually helped improve his performance as a pitcher.¹
Halifax pitches using a shoulder-mounted bazooka gun that is about the size of a Golden Retriever. It is engraved on the closed end with an unreadable pair of script initials, and is extremely unwieldy to use, leading Halifax to be launched backwards into the dirt of the Crabitat infield after every pitch, after which he has been seen getting up, brushing the dirt off of his suit, and looking disgruntled before doing it all over again. The difficult-to-manage nature of the bazooka method has been cited by other Crabs members as a likely reasoning for his less-than-stellar pitching.
Halifax has often been seen looking disheveled and unprepared before games, and often arrives late to games where he is scheduled to pitch. When asked, he responded that he didn’t expect to be playing so much upon signing for the team as he “assumed the Crabs would have more pitchers. Doesn’t every team worth their stars have at least 20 these days?” and muttered something about their blood not working properly.
It is unclear what Halifax does with his free time outside of games, as he often doesn’t stay in the same hotel as the rest of the Crabs team when they travel to an away series. His main hobbies seem to be knitting more arm warmers, brooding ominously, measuring the lengths of shadows with a protractor, and texting someone on his phone whom he refuses to identify if asked.
Officially Copyrighted Halifacts™
-When asked by interviewers about his background, Halifax responded that he “moved to Baltimore from Up North and a Little Bit West."² He did not elaborate.
-Halifax often drinks from a stainless steel hip flask which is on his person at all times. No one has ever seen him refill it, and he becomes irritated if anyone attempts to touch it. -Halifax definitely knows what Old Bay is and what types of food you are supposed to put it on. Halifax definitely did not have to ask anyone about this beforehand.
-Since moving to Baltimore, Halifax has become interested both in the technical war history of the battle against the Great Olde One, and in the history of the semi-defunct Baltimore-based corporation CRAB LLC. If CRAB LLC is mentioned in conversation, Halifax is known to adopt a cagey and suspicious manner while still asking particularly nosy questions about the habits and whereabouts of certain executives.
-If Halifax happens to be present at a game in which beloved former Crabs player Tillman Henderson is sighted Haunting batter Kennedy Loser, he will glare at him for the duration until he leaves, at which point Halifax often begins muttering angrily under his breath and taking notes on a notepad which he produces from his jacket pocket.
-Halifax has been known to glare up at the Sun 2 as if it has personally insulted him. When asked if this is “a HELIOLATRY thing” Halifax responded “No???....A what??”
-In contrast with most other Crabs players Halifax has had no real extraordinary reaction to the presence of the Black Hole weather nor the compression of players through gamma radiation. Instead, Halifax has been quoted during Black Hole games as saying that he’s glad there’s “finally some damn peace and quiet around here.” -After being caught up to speed on Crabs team history and after learning about batter Tot Fox’s destruction of the original Immaterial Sun, Halifax, who had just taken a big swig out of his hip flask, spit liquid dramatically across the locker room and walked out the door.
-Halifax has blue blood. You know, like a normal horseshoe crab. No other reason.
-A number of Halifax’s teammates put together a package of supplies as a good-will gesture a few weeks after his entrance to the team, which included bandages, a reusable plastic blood tote bag, and a garlic ingredient test kit. When presented with the package’s contents, reports say Halifax scowled and said “What the hell am I supposed to do with all this?” and stomped away. Crabs teammates who were present say they’re sure that Halifax will “let down his walls in due time—it took Luis some time to open up about being a vampire too, even as weird as Halifax is I don’t begrudge him his privacy.”
