Jon Halifax/Rumor Registry
Rumors
Jon Halifax has 4 Rumors written about so far.
Jon Halifax/IF-08.185
Background
Jon Halifax joined the Baltimore Crabs midway through the second game of Season β17, after being caught by Adalberto Tosser rifling around in the Crabitat’s player registry cabinets immediately following the untimely death of pitcher Luis Acevedo. It was not clear how he had gotten into the building nor what he was doing there, but upon being questioned, he insisted he was the replacement pitcher requested by the league, and no Crabs felt up to the task that day of arguing with him.
Halifax stands about 6 foot 4 and is usually seen wearing a full professional suit and tie. He has almost exclusively been photographed sporting mirrored black shades and hand-knit orange arm warmers that cover his forearms from wrist to elbow. Halifax’s wardrobe does not seem to be affected by increased temperatures on the field nor the practicalities of pitching, though he will tell you that rolling up his sleeves increases his aerodynamics. It is unclear whether this trick has actually helped improve his performance as a pitcher.¹
Halifax pitches using a shoulder-mounted bazooka gun that is about the size of a Golden Retriever. It is engraved on the closed end with an unreadable pair of script initials, and is extremely unwieldy to use, leading Halifax to be launched backwards into the dirt of the Crabitat infield after every pitch, after which he has been seen getting up, brushing the dirt off of his suit, and looking disgruntled before doing it all over again. The difficult-to-manage nature of the bazooka method has been cited by other Crabs members as a likely reasoning for his less-than-stellar pitching.
Halifax has often been seen looking disheveled and unprepared before games, and often arrives late to games where he is scheduled to pitch. When asked, he responded that he didn’t expect to be playing so much upon signing for the team as he “assumed the Crabs would have more pitchers. Doesn’t every team worth their stars have at least 20 these days?” and muttered something about their blood not working properly.
It is unclear what Halifax does with his free time outside of games, as he often doesn’t stay in the same hotel as the rest of the Crabs team when they travel to an away series. His main hobbies seem to be knitting more arm warmers, brooding ominously, measuring the lengths of shadows with a protractor, and texting someone on his phone whom he refuses to identify if asked.
Officially Copyrighted Halifacts™
-When asked by interviewers about his background, Halifax responded that he “moved to Baltimore from Up North and a Little Bit West."² He did not elaborate.
-Halifax often drinks from a stainless steel hip flask which is on his person at all times. No one has ever seen him refill it, and he becomes irritated if anyone attempts to touch it.
-Halifax definitely knows what Old Bay is and what types of food you are supposed to put it on. Halifax definitely did not have to ask anyone about this beforehand.
-Since moving to Baltimore, Halifax has become interested both in the technical war history of the battle against the Great Olde One, and in the history of the semi-defunct Baltimore-based corporation CRAB LLC. If CRAB LLC is mentioned in conversation, Halifax is known to adopt a cagey and suspicious manner while still asking particularly nosy questions about the habits and whereabouts of certain executives.
-If Halifax happens to be present at a game in which beloved former Crabs player Tillman Henderson is sighted Haunting batter Kennedy Loser, he will glare at him for the duration until he leaves, at which point Halifax often begins muttering angrily under his breath and taking notes on a notepad which he produces from his jacket pocket.
-Halifax has been known to glare up at the Sun 2 as if it has personally insulted him. When asked if this is “a HELIOLATRY thing” Halifax responded “No???....A what??”
-In contrast with most other Crabs players Halifax has had no real extraordinary reaction to the presence of the Black Hole weather nor the compression of players through gamma radiation. Instead, Halifax has been quoted during Black Hole games as saying that he’s glad there’s “finally some damn peace and quiet around here.”
-After being caught up to speed on Crabs team history and after learning about batter Tot Fox’s destruction of the original Immaterial Sun, Halifax, who had just taken a big swig out of his hip flask, spit liquid dramatically across the locker room and walked out the door.
-Halifax has blue blood. You know, like a normal horseshoe crab. No other reason.
-A number of Halifax’s teammates put together a package of supplies as a good-will gesture a few weeks after his entrance to the team, which included bandages, a reusable plastic blood tote bag, and a garlic ingredient test kit. When presented with the package’s contents, reports say Halifax scowled and said “What the hell am I supposed to do with all this?” and stomped away. Crabs teammates who were present say they’re sure that Halifax will “let down his walls in due time—it took Luis some time to open up about being a vampire too, even as weird as Halifax is I don’t begrudge him his privacy.”
Found Documentation
The following document was decrypted by Mooney Doctor II through a refurbished cryptographic cipher machine combined with a radio transceiver that she built in her spare time. It appears to reference Halifax, but as it was found after his death, the resemblance between Halifax and the person detailed in this document cannot be confirmed.
CLASSIFIEDTHIS REPORT IS ONLY FOR EMPLOYEES OF LEVEL M RANK OR HIGHER.
ANY EMPLOYEE OF LOWER RANK CAUGHT READING IT WILL BE TERMINATED. ANY EMPLOYEE WITH INFORMATION ABOUT THE MISSING PERSONS BELOW SHOULD CONTACT EXT. *8185 IMMEDIATELY.
MISSING EMPLOYEE REPORT
| Date: | XX-XX-XXXX | ||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| NAME: | HALIFAX, JON | ALIAS: | N/A | ||
| JOB TITLE: | ASSASSIN | DEPARTMENT: | CLEANUP AND DISPOSAL | ||
| HT: | 6’1 | COFFEE STYLE: | LATTE | HAIR: | SALT AND PEPPER |
| BLOOD: | "AAA" | EYES: | TEAL | AGE: | 40 |
| CURRENT STATUS: | MISSING IN ACTION | LAST RECORDED TRANSMISSION: | SEASON β23 DAY 63 | ||
| LAST RECORDED LOCATION: | LIGHTSIDE – KANSAS CITY FRESHDOME | CAUSE OF ABSENCE: | PRESUMED DECEASED |
INFORMATION
HALIFAX was sent to LIGHTSIDE on assignment to investigate the CRAB LLC corporation on special order from UPPER MANAGEMENT. Being a member of the CLEANUP AND DISPOSAL department, HALIFAX was assigned a specific target of one HARMONY HENDERSON, CEO and heiress to the CRAB LLC fortune. HALIFAX was assigned the mission to DISPOSE OF Henderson and was told not to return until she had been eliminated.
HALIFAX is known for his somewhat unusual style of diversion. In training, those who instructed him speculated that his personal strategy is to appear so incompetent and foolish as to be nonthreatening. ¹
Nevertheless, HALIFAX has been promoted several times and has maintained a regular pattern of information transmission about the state of his current mission. A number of these transmissions from the period of SEASON β17 to SEASON β23 have been included in his file as audio files. ²
HALIFAX is trained in a number of martial arts, stealth techniques, and weapon styles and has earned his BAZOOKA OPERATION and KNITTING certificates. ³
After entering the city of SHADOW BALTIMORE, HALIFAX took the spot of the LIGHTSIDE equivalent of one L. ACEVEDO, who was ELIMINATED by a ROGUE UMPIRE attack, of the sort that is common in LIGHTSIDE. HALIFAX integrated himself into the LIGHTSIDE BALTIMORE CRABS pitching rotation fairly smoothly, though he was removed and put on reserve rotation at one point due to a lack of practical progress in athletics. ⁴
HALIFAX reported in Audio Log 17.14 that he had developed an “ingenious” manner of hiding his SYNERGY arrows and eye color by way of wearing MIRRORED SUNGLASSES and covering up his forearms with KNIT ORANGE ARM-WARMERS. ⁵ The disguise, while unorthodox, appears to have fulfilled its function, as at no point during the course of his mission has HALIFAX reported his cover being blown or his true intentions being revealed.
At the end of SEASON β22, according to Audio Log 23.00, HALIFAX was approached by members of the LIGHTSIDE KANSAS CITY BREATH MINTS in an interaction that ended with HALIFAX being “knocked out in a ditch by the attack of a very large bug.” HALIFAX reported returning to consciousness inside of the KANSAS CITY FRESHDOME stadium wearing a different uniform than he had put on that morning. He inferred that he must have been removed by Lightside league forces from the city of SHADOW BALTIMORE and sent by trade to SHADOW KANSAS CITY. As the trade was not a Feedback-related trade, HALIFAX’s blood did not have any effect at preventing this action. HALIFAX’s Corporation-issued BAZOOKA appears to have been pilfered by said “very large bug” and to this day has not been recovered.
HALIFAX was, in SEASON 23, transferred to the LIGHTSIDE KANSAS CITY BREATH MINTS’ Lineup, which was notably far below regulation size and far below anything that would be considered a sensible number DARKSIDE. In subsequent AUDIO LOGS, Halifax described SHADOW KANSAS CITY as being “uncomfortably wide and out in the open,” and subject to unusual audiovisual weather patterns that scrambled the patterns of his knitting. Research into the detected reverberation phenomena has yielded few results.
According to Audio Log 23.55, HALIFAX acquired a piece of REBEL PARAPHERNALIA in the form of GOLDEN ROCK SUNGLASSES, which he incorporated into his existing DISGUISE. The functionality of this addition is debatable as the SUNGLASSES appear to have attracted a significant amount of ATTENTION to HALIFAX’s presence on the BREATH MINTS, leading to an incident several days later, which was detailed in Audio Log 23.58.
The following is an excerpt from Audio Log 23.58.No further audio logs since Audio Log 23.58 have been received from HALIFAX, and as such he is considered to be MISSING IN ACTION. Detailed below are a non-comprehensive list of belongings HALIFAX reported as being in his possession at the last time of information transmission.I don’t know what happened. I was facing down the Crabs—the team I was sent here to, if you’ll remember—the Suns—there are far too many suns here, have I said this before?—The Suns were beating down on me, and I could feel the sweat running down my neck, the Suns are far too hot here, it’s enough to drive someone crazy—I picked up my bat and tried to swing—the ball went right between the two bars of that horrible Equal Sun—I wondered for a fleeting moment whether I had killed it, because there was this sickening cracking sound—something broke, I think—can suns break?—the whole Breath Mints crowd, as rowdy and inscrutable as they are, were cheering—what they were cheering about, I don’t know—the Crabs looked furious, and specifically this one, with the cowboy hat and a dark gleam in her eye—she pointed directly at me with her bat and I had the sudden sense that she must be a counteragent sent to foil my mission—and on top of all of that I’m fairly certain the game ended in a tie, and I didn’t think that could even happen—I’ll keep you all updated with my next transmission.
- Kansas City Breath Mints uniform
- Baltimore Crabs uniform (Decommissioned)
- Audio transmission device
- Arrow Cola flask
- Disguise glasses with funny nose and mustache
- Sunglasses, mirrored
- Sunglasses, Golden Rock
- Suit jackets and pants, identical (6)
- Arm warmers, knit, orange
- Knitting needles
- Yarn
- JamPad + cell phone with various apps loaded onto it
- Prank handshake buzzer
- Complimentary vampire supply kit (from Baltimore Crabs)
FOOTNOTES
¹ Observation of HALIFAX in action has yielded little information as to whether this theory is true or whether HALIFAX is just bad at his job.
² HALIFAX tends to record his status updates on what he refers to as a “disguised recording device,” an in-ear microphone that he wears at nearly all times.
³ HALIFAX has not been trained in any BLASEBALL related skills in either pitching or batting.
⁴ It is unclear at this time why the LIGHTSIDE BALTIMORE CRABS have room for less than ten pitchers in their rotation, and HALIFAX did not elaborate in his reports as to a reason.
⁵ It is unclear to his handlers why he did not just wear a long-sleeved shirt instead, though HALIFAX has claimed that the orange color of the arm-warmers was intended to blend in with the PHYSICAL ALTERATIONS common in the city of SHADOW BALTIMORE.
ANY EMPLOYEE WITH INFORMATION ABOUT HALIFAX'S WHEREABOUTS OR FATE SHOULD CONTACT EXT. *8185 IMMEDIATELY.KNOWINGLY OR UNKNOWINGLY WITHHOLDING SUCH INFORMATION FROM THE CORPORATION IS IMMEDIATE CAUSE FOR EMPLOYEE TERMINATION.
Jon Halifax/IF-49.894
Devil and the Deep
Baltimore after Ascension was a contentious place. Alongside their symbolic status, the Crabs had long-standing responsibilities to the city, of guardianship and mediation. To the residents of the Oldest Bay, that duty was a reflection of the people's perpetual duty to make war with all gods. To the city council and mayoral staff, they were contractors; an independent, anarchistic faction of constituents, whose wildcard influence was a wrench in city policy, and whose stalled infrastructure operations was a boundless fiscal sponge.
In the Crabs' absence, the city tried to fill the void they left behind. Many of their responsibilities were summarily neglected, which led to a later period of unrest and insurrection. However, responsibility of guardianship over the Chesapeake Domain from divine (and other) threats was outsourced to Wheelhouse, a paramilitary consulting firm. A Baltimore branch was opened, and Jon Halifax was appointed as its head.
Not much is known about Halifax. His Wheelhouse-published work history only displays his exemplary record of hunts, and he carried out similar operations in Baltimore with great efficacy. Though the much higher threat presence in the region must have been immensely resource-intensive, Halifax refused to make any deals with the Blaseball Gods for additional protection. When confronted about the prospect, he simply said, "wheel take care of it." Baltimore was not represented in the Internet League until the return of the Crabs in Season 12.
Halifax has the sort of face that looks like he's about to break awful news to you specifically, from behind the safety of a podium. He tends to be smartly dressed, and always in the presence of a signature briefcase. The contents of the briefcase are not known in specifics, but given the circumstances in which it is opened, it can only be assumed that its contents are enough for an orchestra of violence.
All in the Family
The Crabs returned in season 12 to a changed city. Riots and strikes had reshaped the dynamic of power between different groups throughout Baltimore, and the Crabitat was a much livelier neighborhood than the near-emptied husk they remembered. However, Halifax stood his ground for years against the numerous grassroots efforts of curious individuals who stepped forth from the Crabs' shadow to protect the city without Whellhouse's help, and he dug his heels in deep for the Crabs also. For some time, the two factions worked in tandem, without cooperation, each representing their greater faction in the city's political climate. Wheelhouse and the Crabs held the same goals, the defense of the Oldest Bay, but the Crabs represented the interests of the residents of Baltimore from a populist and somewhat symbolic angle, while Wheelhouse represented a still-hostile municipal council and the self-interest of preserving their contract to the city.
However, with the loss of Forrest Best, Brock Forbes, and the haunting of Kennedy Loser, Crabs' leadership took hard tumble after tumble, and Halifax saw an opportunity. Upon the incineration of Luis Acevedo, the circumstances of whom's demise had never been thoroughly investigated, Halifax immediately stepped in and inserted himself into the role of Crabs pitcher. Unable to be removed by the doctrine of the Blaseball Gods (barring an unlikely incineration), the Crabs were forced to accept the corporate and manipulative Halifax as one of their own. While the Crabs were yet reeling from the loss of a dear teammate and the addition of a just awful pitcher, Wheelhouse summarily ramped up operations, under the guise of having "joined with" the Crabs in their duty to protect the city.Jon Halifax/IF-66.542
Origins
The origins of Jon Halifax are unknown. In fact it is widely believed that "Jon Halifax" is a pseudonym, though Halifax has not confirmed or denied this claim. Halifax has been working as a [redacted] for [redacted] years, and as such has learned many of the intricacies of [redacted], [redacted], and splorts. Attempting to observe Halifax has been known to result in [redacted] and it is often difficult to ascertain what Halifax looks like, other than a single eye visible in the shadow of a wide brimmed hat. Attempting to ask Halifax about any kind of personal, historical, or [redacted] information will result in Halifax repeating a few simple and vague phrases, often about the weather, the local splorts team, or [redacted].
Halifax's briefcase is said to contain a number of implements for "pitching," though Halifax has not made it clear how any of these tools could be used in that regard. This case also contains all the required implements for knitting, and Halifax has been known to work on projects while observing the other Crabs at bat.
Halifax made Kennedy Loser a scarf after offering condolences for the Loss of "Mx. Acevedo."
Relationship to Luis Acevedo
While Halifax has declined to comment on any relationship to the deceased Luis Acevedo, historical records show that Halifax may have been tracking Acevedo for some time, and given Acevedo's age, history, and status as a vampire turned hard light projection, it is assumed that Halifax's previous occupation is that of a [Redacted]. As such the two of them have shared a long history of chase, pursuit, and hunting. While this was a heated exchange at first, eventually Halifax was won over by the charm and playfulness of Acevedo, and upon catching up to them in Baltimore and witnessing Acevedo's death, Halifax felt compelled to take up their old station as a pitcher regardless of other responsibilities.
Pitching Style
Halifax's pitching style has been described as "like going through the motions of throwing a ball, with the action itself unconnected and lagging, seemingly unrelated to the actual action of throwing the ball". This style has also been described by the umps as "clearly outside the strike zone".Jon Halifax/IF-86.253
Jon Halifax is the uncle of former star pitcher for the Atlantis Georgias and current star batter for the Tokyo Lift, Ankle Halifax. He wanted to watch his sibling’s kid play in the Bubble. Unfortunately for Halifax, he got dragged into pitching for the Baltimore Crabs after the tragic death of Luis Acevedo. As a result, he went to Baltimore with a cranky attitude that continued even after being shadowed and voicemailed in for beloved batter Pedro Davids. However, Halifax usually isn’t this cranky and selfish. In fact, he is quite a loving uncle to Ankle. After seeing Ankle play in the finals against the Breath Mints, Halifax decided to play for a team that could be the best...or something. So, he booked himself a ticket to Kansas City and convinced Max Betmint to let Halifax pitch again. Halifax’s arguments for this were that he pitched badly on the Crabs but a few more dips into the shadows and he’ll be a star...or something. Also, the Mints needed someone to be a sort of uncle figure on the team. So, Betmint agreed and Halifax’s playing career began anew again, now with a fresh start on his own terms.
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