Zoey Kirchner/IF-72.538

Rumor / Community Lore
This article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community. It is just one of many Rumors that we've found in the Interdimensional Rumor Mill. You can find more Rumors about Zoey Kirchner at their Rumor Registry.

Background

Zoey Kirchner joined the Core Mechanics after the team's descension, and has reportedly been a source of friction among the team ever since. Lineup player Lady Matsuyama has been quoted as calling Kirchner "the worst pitcher ever to grace the league, so bad you don't even understand, definitely don't look at her stats or star count. We're doing the league a favor by holding on to her, you definitely don't want her on your team" and "creator of the most atrocious parking jobs [she] has ever seen."

Kirchner is known to trash talk the opposing team, threaten to start physical fights, and cackle in a manor that witnesses have described as "evil, but maybe trying too hard." He has adopted Evelton McBlase II as a "henchman" because he is reportedly "definitely super evil and a jerk. Totally evil enough to have a henchman." An anonymous poster alleging to be one of Zoey's teammates has reported that Kirchner "isn't actually that bad" and that she is "just way to into the heel thing."

Kirchner has been seen littering on the field, spitting gum, and double parking. She is self-reportedly "the biggest jerk in Blaseball, even worse than that dead guy." When asked what "dead guy" they were referring to, Kirchner insisted that they were tool cool to know his name, and then climbed out a nearby window to escape further questions. After Splorts Illlustrated reported that Kirchner had been seen helping assisting the cleaning crew after a game, he sued them for defamation and libel.

Blood

Zoey Kirchner has pure acid blood, and uses custom non-corrosive equipment designed by Shirai McElroy while on the field. The Mechanics keep a bottle of antacids in order to protect themselves from Kirchner's touch if they wish to give him celebratory hugs after a win, however, this happens rarely, as Zoey Kirchner is an objectively terrible pitcher ^{[citation needed}].

Art

Kirchner has been deeply involved with historical preservation of the Core and the Pillars stadium, and is a hobby sculptor. When pressed for comment, she has insisted that it is "all for the tax write-off, I actually hate art." However, Kirchner has demonstrably never paid any taxes in her life. Despite his alleged distaste for art, Kirchner has spearheaded several public works projects and has been personally involved with the restoration of several pieces that were thought to be lost or irreparable.