Zoey Kirchner/Rumor Registry
Rumors
Zoey Kirchner has 2 Rumors written about so far.
Zoey Kirchner/IF-72.538
Background
Zoey Kirchner joined the Core Mechanics after the team's descension, and has reportedly been a source of friction among the team ever since. Lineup player Lady Matsuyama has been quoted as calling Kirchner "the worst pitcher ever to grace the league, so bad you don't even understand, definitely don't look at her stats or star count. We're doing the league a favor by holding on to her, you definitely don't want her on your team" and "creator of the most atrocious parking jobs [she] has ever seen."
Kirchner is known to trash talk the opposing team, threaten to start physical fights, and cackle in a manor that witnesses have described as "evil, but maybe trying too hard." He has adopted Evelton McBlase II as a "henchman" because he is reportedly "definitely super evil and a jerk. Totally evil enough to have a henchman." An anonymous poster alleging to be one of Zoey's teammates has reported that Kirchner "isn't actually that bad" and that she is "just way to into the heel thing."
Kirchner has been seen littering on the field, spitting gum, and double parking. She is self-reportedly "the biggest jerk in Blaseball, even worse than that dead guy." When asked what "dead guy" they were referring to, Kirchner insisted that they were tool cool to know his name, and then climbed out a nearby window to escape further questions. After Splorts Illlustrated reported that Kirchner had been seen helping assisting the cleaning crew after a game, he sued them for defamation and libel.
Blood
Zoey Kirchner has pure acid blood, and uses custom non-corrosive equipment designed by Shirai McElroy while on the field. The Mechanics keep a bottle of antacids in order to protect themselves from Kirchner's touch if they wish to give him celebratory hugs after a win, however, this happens rarely, as Zoey Kirchner is an objectively terrible pitcher [citation needed].
Art
Kirchner has been deeply involved with historical preservation of the Core and the Pillars stadium, and is a hobby sculptor. When pressed for comment, she has insisted that it is "all for the tax write-off, I actually hate art." However, Kirchner has demonstrably never paid any taxes in her life. Despite his alleged distaste for art, Kirchner has spearheaded several public works projects and has been personally involved with the restoration of several pieces that were thought to be lost or irreparable.Zoey Kirchner/IF-73.538
Personality
Zoey is highly competitive and known for her stage persona of being a dramatic, overconfident hotheaded. Kirchner can often be seen mocking the opposing batters, bragging that she's number one, or mocking her teammates for failing to live up to her standard. In between innings, Kirchner can occasionally be found worrying about her teammates' feelings and apologizing preemptively in case she goes too far.
Kirchner has a playful rivalry with every player on her team simultaneously due to her competitive streak. "Zero stars Zoey", according to one Lady Matsuyama, is "the worst pitcher ever to grace the league. So bad you don't understand. Don't even bother looking at her stats - absolutely awful. It's all lies." When asked about this comment, Zoey smiled and responded "Please. I outpitch all of them combined," walking off with an evil cackle.
After Season 13, she has adopted Evelton McBlase II as a "henchman" to aid with "definitely super evil jerk things. I deserve a henchman for being so evil."
While on the field, Kirchner's rude mannerisms know no bounds, including littering on the field, spitting gum, double-parking, loitering under "no loitering" signs, stealing snacks to replace them with non-moldy ones, and making faces at players when their backs are turned. Some fans claim to have seen Kirchner sneaking into the Core Pillars after hours to clean this litter up, however Kirchner denies these rumors.
Acidic Body
Kirchner's body is acidic, causing many untreated materials such as blaseballs to dissolve on contact. Kirchner uses custom chemical-resistant equipment such as gloves and a fiberglass mitt designed by Shirai McElroy on the field.
When Kirchner wins a game, the Mechanics have a tradition of dunking themselves in acid proofing and running onto the pitch to give a celebratory hug. However, this rarely happens, as Zoey Kirchner is objectively a terrible pitcher [citation needed].
Hobbies
Kirchner claims to live purely for the splort, thriving off their natural talent. However, she can be seen spending long hours practicing after every game to alleviate worries of disappointing fans.
Kirchner is a hobby sculptor, using their acidic arms to cut through materials like stone with ease. Kirchner has also been deeply involved with historical preservation of the Core and the Pillars stadium. Kirchner has spearheaded several public works projects and has been personally involved with the restoration of several pieces that were thought to be lost or irreparable. Kirchner insists that she's "only interested for tax purposes. I hate art," however, as the Core is post-scarcity and does not use money, Kirchner has demonstrably never paid any taxes in her life.
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