Topic on Talk:Zoey Kirchner

Two similar IRMs are now up!

Background

Zoey Kirchner joined the Core Mechanics after the team's decension, and has reportedly been a source of friction among the team ever since. Lineup player Lady Matsuyama has been quoted as calling Kirchner "the worst pitcher ever to grace the league, so bad you don't even understand, definitely don't look at her stats or star count. We're doing the league a favor by holding on to her, you definitely don't want her on your team" and "creator of the most atrocious parking jobs [she] has ever seen."

Kirchner is known to trash talk the opposing team, threaten to start physical fights, and cackle in a manor that witnesses have described as "evil, but maybe trying too hard." He has adopted Evelton McBlase II as a "henchman" because he is reportedly "definitely super evil and a jerk. Totally evil enough to have a henchman." An anonymous poster alleging to be one of Zoey's teammates has reported that Kirchner "isn't actually that bad" and that she is "just way to into the heel thing."

Kirchner has been seen littering on the field, spitting gum, and double parking. She is self-reportedly "the biggest jerk in Blaseball, even worse than that dead guy." When asked what "dead guy" they were referring to, Kirchner insisted that they were tool cool to know his name, and then climbed out a nearby window to escape further questions. After Splorts Illlustrated reported that Kirchner had been seen helping assisting the cleaning crew after a game, he sued them for defamation and libel.

Blood

Zoey Kirchner has pure acid blood, and uses custom non-corrosive equipment designed by Shirai McElroy while on the field. The Mechanics keep a bottle of antacids in order to protect themselves from Kirchner's touch if they wish to give him celebratory hugs after a win, however, this happens rarely, as Zoey Kirchner is an objectively terrible pitcher [citation needed].

Art

Kirchner has been deeply involved with historical preservation of the Core and the Pillars stadium, and is a hobby sculptor. When pressed for comment, she has insisted that it is "all for the tax write-off, I actually hate art." However, Kirchner has demonstrably never paid any taxes in her life. Despite his alleged distaste for art, Kirchner has spearheaded several public works projects and has been personally involved with the restoration of several pieces that were thought to be lost or irreparable.

Zoey Kirchner joined the Core Mechanics after the team's descension, and the opposing team has been worse off ever since.

Personality

Kirchner is highly competitive and known for his large ego, hotheaded personality, and dramatic, overconfident trash talk. Kirchner can often be seen mocking the opposing batters, bragging that she's number one, or mocking her teammates for failing to live up to her standard. In between innings, Kirchner can occasionally be found worrying about her teammates' feelings and apologizing preemptively in case she goes too far.

Kirchner has a not at all fierce rivalry with every player on his team simultaneously. "Zero stars Zoey", according to one anonymous wheelchair-bound Core Mechanic, is "the worst pitcher ever to grace the league" and "creator of the most atrocious parking jobs I've ever seen." When asked, Zoey responded "Please. I outpitch all of them combined." and walked off with an evil cackle.

After Season 13, he has adopted Evelton McBlase II as a "henchman" to aid with "definitely super evil jerk things. I deserve a henchman for being so evil."

Kirchner's rude mannerisms know no bounds, including littering on the field, spitting gum, double-parking, "stealing all my snacks to replace them with non-moldy ones", and making faces at players when their backs are turned. While some fans claim to have seen Kirchner sneaking into the Core Pillars after hours to clean this litter up, these rumors are patently untrue and completely inconsistent with Kirchner's clear contempt for those not on her level.

Acidic body

Blaseballs and untreated materials begin dissolving upon contact with Zoey's body. While some say that this is due to her acidic blood, the more likely explanation is that the materials voluntarily choose to degrade upon exposure to Kirchner's toxic personality. Kirchner is so much of a loser he uses custom equipment such as gloves and a fiberglass mitt designed by Shirai McElroy, clearly donated out of pity for her terrible performance, while on the field.

When Kirchner wins a game, the Mechanics have a tradition of dunking themselves in acid proofing and running onto the pitch to give a celebratory hug. However, this rarely happens, as Zoey Kirchner is objectively a terrible pitcher.

Hobbies

Kirchner claims to live purely for the splort, thriving off her natural talent. However, Zoey can be seen spending long hours practicing after every game to alleviate worries of disappointing fans.

Kirchner is a hobby sculptor, using his acidic arms to cut through materials like stone with ease. Kirchner has also been deeply involved with historical preservation of the Core and the Pillars stadium. Kirchner has spearheaded several public works projects and has been personally involved with the restoration of several pieces that were thought to be lost or irreparable. Kirchner insists that she's "only interested for tax purposes. I hate art.", however, this is clearly a lie as Kirchner has demonstrably never paid any taxes in her life.

I would change wheelchair-bound' to 'wheelchair-using' or a similar phrase. I think these are different enough that they merit being separate articles? I was gonna write a 2nd one that is basically what you've done with your version

oh, I just redid this to sound more neutral per your and cheshire's advice

Zoey Kirchner joined the Core Mechanics as a pitcher after the team's decension.

Personality

Zoey is highly competitive and known for their stage persona of a dramatic, overconfident hotheaded personality. Kirchner can often be seen mocking the opposing batters, bragging that she's number one, or mocking her teammates for failing to live up to her standard. In between innings, Kirchner can occasionally be found worrying about her teammates' feelings and apologizing preemptively in case she goes too far.

Kirchner has a playful rivalry with every player on her team simultaneously due to her competitive streak. "Zero stars Zoey", according to one Lady Matsuyama, is "the worst pitcher ever to grace the league. So bad you don't understand. Don't even bother looking at her stats - absolutely awful. It's all lies." When asked about this comment, Zoey smiled and responded "Please. I outpitch all of them combined," walking off with an evil cackle.

After Season 13, he has adopted Evelton McBlase II as a "henchman" to aid with "definitely super evil jerk things. I deserve a henchman for being so evil."

While on the field, Kirchner's rude mannerisms know no bounds, including littering on the field, spitting gum, double-parking, loitering under "no loitering" signs, "stealing all my snacks to replace them with non-moldy ones", and making faces at players when their backs are turned. Some fans claim to have seen Kirchner sneaking into the Core Pillars after hours to clean this litter up, however Kirchner denies these rumors.

Acidic body

Kirchner's body is acidic, causing many untreated materials such as blaseballs to dissolve on contact. Kirchner uses custom chemical-resistant equipment such as gloves and a fiberglass mitt designed by Shirai McElroy on the field.

When Kirchner wins a game, the Mechanics have a tradition of dunking themselves in acid proofing and running onto the pitch to give a celebratory hug. However, this rarely happens, as Zoey Kirchner is objectively a terrible pitcher [citation needed].

Hobbies

Kirchner claims to live purely for the splort, thriving off their natural talent. However, she can be seen spending long hours practicing after every game to alleviate worries of disappointing fans.

Kirchner is a hobby sculptor, using their acidic arms to cut through materials like stone with ease. Kirchner has also been deeply involved with historical preservation of the Core and the Pillars stadium. Kirchner has spearheaded several public works projects and has been personally involved with the restoration of several pieces that were thought to be lost or irreparable. Kirchner insists that she's "only interested for tax purposes. I hate art.", however, this is clearly a lie as Kirchner has demonstrably never paid any taxes in her life.

Lady's link is messed up- I think it's just switched around which one's the link and which is the text. It's also unclear who's saying "stealing all my snacks to replace them with non-moldy ones" (especially since there's a first-person pronoun).

The more neutral tone is good IMO and doesn't lose the comedy.

good catch! any suggestions for a different goofy crime for Zoey to have committed?

I don't think the crime itself is the issue- it's a fun one! just phrasing it as sort of a quote but not an attributed quote. options would be to make it not at all a quote, or make it super definitely a quote:

... loitering under "no loitering" signs, stealing teammates' snacks to replace them with non-moldy ones, and making faces at players ...

... loitering under "no loitering" signs, "stealing all my snacks to replace them with non-moldy ones" (as accused by [insert teammate, maybe Lady or Adelaide?]), and making faces at players ...

I tried making it not at all a quote.