Topic on Talk:Zoey Kirchner

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Zoey Kirchner joined the Core Mechanics after the team's descension, and the opposing team has been worse off ever since.

Personality

Kirchner is highly competitive and known for his large ego, hotheaded personality, and dramatic, overconfident trash talk. Kirchner can often be seen mocking the opposing batters, bragging that she's number one, or mocking her teammates for failing to live up to her standard. In between innings, Kirchner can occasionally be found worrying about her teammates' feelings and apologizing preemptively in case she goes too far.

Kirchner has a not at all fierce rivalry with every player on his team simultaneously. "Zero stars Zoey", according to one anonymous wheelchair-bound Core Mechanic, is "the worst pitcher ever to grace the league" and "creator of the most atrocious parking jobs I've ever seen." When asked, Zoey responded "Please. I outpitch all of them combined." and walked off with an evil cackle.

After Season 13, he has adopted Evelton McBlase II as a "henchman" to aid with "definitely super evil jerk things. I deserve a henchman for being so evil."

Kirchner's rude mannerisms know no bounds, including littering on the field, spitting gum, double-parking, "stealing all my snacks to replace them with non-moldy ones", and making faces at players when their backs are turned. While some fans claim to have seen Kirchner sneaking into the Core Pillars after hours to clean this litter up, these rumors are patently untrue and completely inconsistent with Kirchner's clear contempt for those not on her level.

Acidic body

Blaseballs and untreated materials begin dissolving upon contact with Zoey's body. While some say that this is due to her acidic blood, the more likely explanation is that the materials voluntarily choose to degrade upon exposure to Kirchner's toxic personality. Kirchner is so much of a loser he uses custom equipment such as gloves and a fiberglass mitt designed by Shirai McElroy, clearly donated out of pity for her terrible performance, while on the field.

When Kirchner wins a game, the Mechanics have a tradition of dunking themselves in acid proofing and running onto the pitch to give a celebratory hug. However, this rarely happens, as Zoey Kirchner is objectively a terrible pitcher.

Hobbies

Kirchner claims to live purely for the splort, thriving off her natural talent. However, Zoey can be seen spending long hours practicing after every game to alleviate worries of disappointing fans.

Kirchner is a hobby sculptor, using his acidic arms to cut through materials like stone with ease. Kirchner has also been deeply involved with historical preservation of the Core and the Pillars stadium. Kirchner has spearheaded several public works projects and has been personally involved with the restoration of several pieces that were thought to be lost or irreparable. Kirchner insists that she's "only interested for tax purposes. I hate art.", however, this is clearly a lie as Kirchner has demonstrably never paid any taxes in her life.