Sam Hinkie

Sam Hinkie
Affiliation	Philadelphia Pies
Species	Golem-State Hybrid

Samuel Blake Hinkie III is the commonly spoken name for the general manager of the Philly Pies and former general manager of the Philadelphia XXers. He has led the team to back-to-back Internet Seriess victories. During his time as Pies general manager, the slogan "Crust the Process" has become a mantra uttered repeatedly in the Pies' locker room to the beat of a deep droning drum. The phrase itself refers to a closely guarded secret pie recipe.

Sam Hinkie's appearance resembles a bronze statue of William Penn. He is married to the City of Philadelphia. Though considered by many to be one of the best general managers in blaseball, Hinkie has attracted controversy after his involvement in the Delaware Affair.

History

Little is known about Hinkie’s early life. The animated statue wandered into Philadelphia during the town’s mayoral election pie-eating contest. Though he only came in fifth, his resemblance to Pennsylvania founder and acclaimed short stop William Penn was seen by the Pie-romancers as a sign that he was the fated husband of the city of Philadelphia.

Philadelphia and the statue began seeing each other and were married after a year-long courtship. The statue assumed the traditional role of Philadelphia’s spouses and became the general manager of a splorts team. With no name of his own his own the statue was dubbed “Sam Hinkie” – an ancient Philly title given to those destined to lead splorts teams. The couple has one son: The City of Jawn Hinkie.

As the GM of the Philly Pies, Hinkie worked with the players to come up with many of the Philly Pies signature blaseball plays, including: “The Philly Special,” “Philly Philly,” “Philly Philly Philly,” “Philly Special Philly,” “Philladeltrix: The Marquis of Pain,” and “Have Nick Foles Parachute onto the Field.”

The Delaware Affair

Shortly after the Philly Pies victory in season one, a photograph of Sam Hinkie giving a big bag of money to the state of Delaware was circulated among the dreams of Philadelphia residents. This photograph – suspected to have been taken by Houston Spies player Yeong-Ho Benitez - led many to believe that Hinkie was stealing money from his spouse and giving it to the neighboring state.

Philadelphia’s godson and Philly outfielder Juan Rangel was enraged at this perceived exploitation of his godmother. Working with ██████, █████ and some buff guy named Brad, Juan kidnapped Hinkie and locked him in a hidden basement at the Franklin Institute. There they planned to murder Hinkie but ran into trouble. As Rangel explained in later interviews: “We planned to strangle [Hinkie] with some symbol of Delaware, as a warning to anyone who would betray Philly. But we couldn’t find anything that really screamed Delaware y’know?” The kidnappers eventually decided to string together some peach blossoms – the Delaware state flower – to make a garrote.

While the kidnappers were busy gathering peach blossoms, Rangel’s teammate Jessica Telephone managed to set up a line of communication between him and her close friend the state of Delaware. Conversing via telephone Delaware explained to Rangel that Hinkie was actually her long lost half-brother and that the money was for a new tri-state tourism initiative. After realizing his mistake Rangel released Hinkie. For his part Hinkie was magnanimous about the whole affair and allowed Rangel to remain on the team if he enrolled in anger management therapy.

While some conspiracy theorists claim that there is a more sinister secret behind the photograph, most blaseball officials believe Delaware’s explanation for the event. In order to avoid the press attention the state of Delaware broke off from the coast and moved south to be live it’s step-cousin Florida, in the process severely damaging the ecosystem of Chesapeake Bay. Juan Rangel and Delaware struck up a friendship over the incident and the two exchanged letters until Rangel’s incineration in Season 3.