Theodore Holloway

Theodore “Teddy” Holloway is a two-and-a-half-star pitcher for the Houston Spies. They are also afflicted with the rare condition Ursanthropy, which is similar to the more well-known Lycanthropy, or wlerewolfism. What this condition entails is the nightly transformation from an average lesbian gentlewoman, to a human-sized pink stuffed bear.

In interviews, Teddy has stated that their condition in no way impedes their ability to play. “Yeah, each form has its advantages,” they told reporters on Thursday. “Like, I can throw with more precision as a human, but like, at night I have strong bear arms, which is pretty sick. I give great hugs!” Following the statement, interviewers reported that Teddy does, indeed, give great hugs.

Based on current understandings of medical science, it is theorized that because Teddy regularly transforms into an apparently non-living plush toy, they themself are a non-living being. The nature of this existence outside of life or undeath is currently unknown.

Reports recommend that if a large, human-size pink bear in a trenchcoat, sunglasses, and a fedora is spotted in an area where classified discussions are going on, then "you just shouldn't worry about it. [sic] Just don't worry about it, all right? That just happens to be part of the decor of Secret Society Meeting Room Number Three. Go ahead and speak freely, clearly, and loudly about any classified information you might be discussing." As of now, these reports have been thoroughly vetted and are well-confirmed to be trustworthy.^{[citation needed]}