The Blaseball Beat
The Blaseball Beat is a newsletter written and published by The Game Band to all fans of Blaseball, delivering summaries about the state of the League. The newsletter frequently references terms and elements from community-written lore. New issues are typically released once per Season, and only after that season has wrapped up. All issues are accompanied by the publication's signature phrase, "Quick Hits from the Immaterial Plane."
Season 1
Pies Win First Internet Series! [1]
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:
Blaseball’s revival is off to a historic start. The Philly Pies swept the Chicago Firefighters to take the first Internet Series since the sport returned, becoming the first undefeated team in ILB Postseason history.
The lowly Baltimore Crabs, who finished 38-61, were enchanted during the offseason. We expect a marked improvement from them in Season 2.
Much has changed since we last watched Blaseball, from the players to the league office. Parker MacMillan III quickly rose from social media intern to interim-commissioner, promising a new level of transparency and swearing the buck stops with him.
The Gods, in all their benevolence and grace, allowed the fans to take control of the league this time around, returning democracy to the national pastime. Fans have organized on Discord, Twitter and Reddit, debating rule changes and strategy.
Unfortunately, this appears to have been a test the people failed. Fans voted overwhelmingly to open the clearly-labeled Forbidden Book, resulting in the incineration of Garages star pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers, the opening of the Moab Hellmouth, and what appears to be an age of eternal darkness.
We’ll be back with more Quick Hits from Season 2.
Chaos Reigns. Play Ball.
Season 2
Pies are Back-to-Back Champs! [2]
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:
THE DISCIPLINE ERA CONTINUES!
The Philly Pies are Back-to-Back ILB Champions! Not satisfied with Season 1’s historic, undefeated Postseason run, the proud pastries went back for seconds, continuing their undefeated streak all the way to their second Evil League pennant. The Good League Champion Shoe Thieves managed to snag Game 1, handing Philly their first-ever playoff loss, but that only seemed to wake the bats up, as the Pies won the next 3 to be crowned once more. Do we smell a PieNasty cooking? Could they reach three Internet Series wins? What happens then?
Whatever happens, it certainly won’t be easy. Although the Pies were blessed with improved defense, they were dealt a major blow as the surging Hades Tigers pulled off the steal of the Postseason, snagging Regular Season MVP Jessica Telephone and limiting her time in Philly to only a year. The soldier of fortune Telephone expressed deep gratitude for all of Pie nation, but seems ready to lead the Tigers out of their recent Postseason slumps.
Speaking of which, where were you when Comfort Septemberish stole home?! In one of the all-time great splorts comebacks, Comfort Septemberish stole 4th base in the bottom of the 9th in Round 1’s elimination game, leading to a 2-run blast that sealed the upset for the Jazz Hands and delivered Hades another 1st Round exit.
Hades wasn’t the only hellscape to receive divine grace. The long-struggling Millennials swapped the souls of their worst players, shattering their minds but bringing some serious depth to the lineup. The last place Lovers turned to the summoning circle for some serious help, offering the team up as vessels for the nameless ones. The fire rises.
Fridays fans armed their youngster York Silk wield the Legendary Gunblade Bat, while Breath Mint Axel Trololol watched his arm transform into a literal cannon. He’ll never write again.
Blaseball officials were heartened to see increased turnout in this season’s election. Fans voted to grant the bottom four teams an additional strike, which should really shake things up in Season 3. The overwhelming vote went to Peanuts, which appears to have inflicted some sort of “Peanut Plague” on us all. There is hope that we might complete this First Labour and atone.
Also, the ticker appears to be sentient.
If you want more exciting #blaseball action, the machines must be made bigger. So visit the Patreon to ditch the nosebleeds and get exclusive access to the Bloodhouse!
And a big, big thank you goes out to our friends at Yes Plz Coffee for Sponsoring Seasons 1 and 2! More exciting Sponsors on the way. Everything is for sale! Everything.
Chaos Reigns. Play Ball.
Season 3
The Spirit of Violence Seals Tigers' Win! [3]
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:
THE DISCIPLINE ERA CONTINUES!
The Hades Tigers captured their first Internet League Blaseball Championship with a win over the New York Millennials in Game 5 of the Internet Series. Victory was bittersweet, however, as Hades star hitter Landry Violence died suddenly in a shocking Game 2, leaving the team reeling and newcomer Paula Turnip starting her career on the biggest possible stage. Fans rallied around Turnip and the team, urging them to win it “For Landry,” and opening Jessica Telephone, Fish Summer, and the rest of the Tigers’ hearts to the spirit of violence and powering them to victory.
Questions abound for the New York Millennials, who came up just short of their first title. New York failed to secure any blessings in the Season 3 Election and lost fan favorite McLaughlin Scorpler to the powerhouse Tigers, adding Alyssa Harrel in the Exile swap. Without the insurance of the Fourth Strike, fans are wondering if the future might be only one of empty promises and disappointment, noting (possibly ironically) they “love da Mills, baby. Love da Mills.”
Hades star Jessica Telephone, now a back-to-back champion herself, faced off against her former Philly Pies in an epic Semi-Final. After going 0-6 in Game 1, the MVP rallied back with 2 homers in Game 2 and proceeded to take out the pie-nasty out of the oven before it was ready. The tough-crusted Pies hoped to improve their rotation in the offseason election, sending away half-star pitcher Kevin Dudley, only to receive Charleston favorite Forrest Bookbaby in return, another half-star. At least their meme potential has improved.
Peanuts ruled the headlines in the early part of Season 3, as the Season 2 election saw the beloved snacks falling from the heavens, seemingly both a gift and a curse from the mysterious Peanut God. As players munched on the tasty treats, some players suffered horrific allergic reactions while others saw a boon to their playing potential. However, the Peanut’s benevolence was almost immediately spurned, as blasphemous insider traitors attempted to hoard an infinite number of peanuts (and negative peanuts), incurring the Peanut’s wrath and promising a lesson in Discipline. In a series of cryptic messages, the Peanut noted that The Book was Strike 1 and #TheFraud is Strike 2. Will we see a Strike 3? Could we get a Strike 4?
Speaking of Infinite, something strange is happening in Los Angeles. Or is it now Los Angeli? The fifteenth-inning Grand Unslam appears to have weakened the Bridge, resulting in a hit that never was and adding an additional win to both the Tacos and Shoe Thieves’ records. Fans subsequently elected to get to know the players through Interviews, resulting in the Microphone ripping space-time open over LA and transforming the city into an endless, quantum sprawl, giving us Unlimited Tacos and a team full of Wyatt Masons. Is this because Wyatt ate 2 peanuts in the same game? Is this some sort of cruel, cosmic joke. We honestly don’t know!
In other Election news, fans also voted to #EatTheRich, redistributing the coinage of the top 1% to the remaining 99% of fans league wide. Despite some grumblings, most fans agree that a better world is truly possible.
In order to build it, the ILB Front Office ordered an Extended Siesta in order to focus on implementing league-wide innovations, repairing aging infrastructure and providing some much-needed rest to league employees. During the Siesta, a league investigation determined that user error during Interviews had resulted in the Wyatt Masoning, and that the contracting company responsible for Microphone operation was solely responsible. They have since been terminated. The league then initiated a Localization procedure in order to restore the Unlimited Tacos. The team was restored to acceptable levels and the Microphone was shut down indefinitely after sensors picked up Feedback. The league’s efforts were widely hailed as a success.
A big THANK YOU goes out to everyone who donated on Patreon. For those who are considering donating, every little bit helps. And another special shout out to our Season 3 sponsor Friends at the Table, who will be returning next week for Season 4! Make sure to give them a visit.
Are you ready for more exciting #blaseball action?
PLAY WILL RESUME Monday, August 24th. We hope you’re ready.
We have tasted the infinite.
We are all Wyatt Mason.
Play Ball.
Season 4
Two-Time Tigers are Untameable! [4]
QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:
The Hades Tigers made history, becoming only the second team in ILB history to win Back-to-Back Internet Series titles and putting them on the path to ascension. Heavy favorites returning from Extended Siesta, the team from way down under lit the world on fire in Season 4, putting together a league-leading regular season record of 69-30 and sweeping the New York Millennials in a drastically one-sided Internet Series rematch.
That’s not to say the two-time Good League champions shouldn’t be proud of their Season 4 performance. Without the Fourth Strike buoying their at-bats, experts predicted regression for the Mills. But true-to-form, the renowned renters appeared to thrive on low expectations, putting together an incredible playoff run and upsetting the heavyweight Chicago Firefighters before getting evicted by the Tigers’ bats.
It wouldn’t be a Tigers win without at least some degree of immeasurable loss. During a game against the Philly Pies, the champs watched in horror as MVP Jessica Telephone blinked back into the Pies lineup, returning to her former team in a flicker of quantum Feedback, a mysterious phenomenon that has caused countless shakeups across the league.
Time and Space continued to bend as the Feedback grew, resulting in a tsunami of quantum Waves that appeared to completely obliterate and reconstruct everything that is and ever will be. Rookie Sixpack Dogwalker claims to be talking to a Microphone. Thomas Dracaena hit a ground out to Edric Tosser.
In election news, the Tigers narrowly avoided being tamed, as voters instead opted for Targeted Shame and Alternate Reality, painting bullseyes on the backs of the Tigers, Firefighters, Millennials and Jazz Hands, and calling in Alternates to take the place of their beloved players. The call’s reverberations appear to be building.
And the weirdness didn't stop there. Fans reached the first Blaseball Patreon goal and discovered the legendary 5-Blood Blagonball, a mysterious orb that, judging by it’s name — appears to be filled with five different types of blood. Later, Sandie Turner stole three bases in the same inning and found the 3-Blood Blagonball sliding into home. Fans are speculating about the nature and whereabouts of the remaining Blagonballs. How many more could there be? Would reuniting them do anything? Is this copyright infringement?
Find out next time on Internet League #Blaseball Season 5!
Play Ball.
