Holden Stanton

Holden Stanton
Basic Information
Team	Baltimore Crabs
Status	Intact, Alive
Biographical Details
Pronouns	None

Early Life

Holden Stanton was born on the side of the 417 Highway in Ontario between Toronto and Ottawa. During labour, his parental figure was brought to an abandoned mayonnaise farm, which Holden's parents would later buy, renovate, and reopen. To this day, the Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise farms have a sign in their front yard, detailing the circumstances of Holden Stanton's birth and claim to fame as a player for the Baltimore Crabs. At age 12, Holden Stanton's face spontaneously ignited while playing on the roof of the Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise farms. Holden's father leaped from the porch vertically to the roof (an 11 feet height) but was not able to reach his child in time to prevent all damage, and as such Holden Stanton's face, from the lower jaw down, was replaced with mayonnaise.

Mid-life

Holden Stanton went to the Modesto Junior Collegiate to study Towels. Modesto Junior Collegiate has no record of Holden Stanton aside from perfect report cards, indicating an uneventful life during that time. The only exception to that, is one record of a lawsuit in XX10, where the Modesto Junior Collegiate sued Holden for property damage. The claim laid forwards by the Modesto Junior Collegiate's attorneys claim that Holden had destroyed the Collegiate Library's entire B3 flight of concrete stairs, from floor 11 all the way to Basement-12. Their claim accuses that Holden Stanton, upon falling skull-first down the stairs, irreparably shattered each stair. The prosecution further claimed that such an act must have been intentional. The lawsuit was never brought to court, and a settlement fee of $5.00 was payed out to the Modesto Junior Collegiate on behalf of the Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise farms.

Career

Holden Stanton is a player for the Baltimore Crabs. Upon Holden's joining of the Baltimore Crabs, the mayonnaise in Holden's lower jaw was turned to caramel pudding. Holden Stanton is on record saying "I Miss Nora" during the final game of Season 2, which is remarkable as this is the only time on public record in which Holden Stanton, through interaction with the environment or through vocalization, has ever made an audible sound.

Cheers

• "Hold on, Holden!"