Difference between revisions of "Holden Stanton"
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== Early Life == | == Early Life == | ||
| − | Holden Stanton was born on the side of the 417 Highway in Ontario between Toronto and Ottawa. During labour, | + | Holden Stanton was born on the side of the 417 Highway in Ontario between Toronto and Ottawa. During labour, Holden's progenitor was brought to an abandoned farmstead, which their parents would later buy, renovate, and reopen. To this day, the [[Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise]] Farming Empire’s original farm has a sign in their front yard detailing the circumstances of Holden Stanton's birth, as well as their claim to fame as a player for the [[Baltimore Crabs]]. At age 12, Holden Stanton's face spontaneously ignited while playing on the roof of the original [[Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise]] farmstead. Holden's father made an 11 foot vertical leap from the porch to the roof, but was not able to reach his child in time to entirely prevent damage. As such, Holden Stanton's lower face was replaced with [[Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise]] branded paraphernalia. |
== Mid-life == | == Mid-life == | ||
| − | Holden Stanton went to the [[Modesto Junior Collegiate]] to study | + | Holden Stanton went to the [[Modesto Junior Collegiate]] to study. [[Modesto Junior Collegiate]] claims to have no record of Holden Stanton aside from perfect report cards, indicating an idyllic life during that time. However, further investigation has uncovered one record of a lawsuit in XXXX, where the [[Modesto Junior Collegiate]] sued Holden for property damage. The claim laid forwards by the [[Modesto Junior Collegiate]]'s legal team asserted that Holden had destroyed the Collegiate Library's entire B3 flight of concrete stairs, from floor 11 all the way to Basement-12. Holden Stanton, upon falling skull-first down the stairs, was said to have irreparably shattered each stair. The lawsuit was never brought to court, and a settlement fee of $5.00 was paid out to the [[Modesto Junior Collegiate]] on behalf of the [[Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise]] Farming Empire. |
== Career == | == Career == | ||
| − | Holden Stanton is a player for the [[Baltimore Crabs]]. Upon Holden's joining of the [[Baltimore Crabs]], the | + | Holden Stanton is a player for the [[Baltimore Crabs]]. Upon Holden's joining of the [[Baltimore Crabs]], the [[Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise]] branded paraphernalia making up Holden's lower face was spontaneously changed to Old Bay branded material. Holden Stanton is on record saying "I Miss Tiana" during the final game of [[Season 2]], which is remarkable as this is the only known instance in which Holden Stanton, through interaction with the environment or through vocalization, has ever made an audible sound. |
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Revision as of 08:12, 8 August 2020
Early Life
Holden Stanton was born on the side of the 417 Highway in Ontario between Toronto and Ottawa. During labour, Holden's progenitor was brought to an abandoned farmstead, which their parents would later buy, renovate, and reopen. To this day, the Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise Farming Empire’s original farm has a sign in their front yard detailing the circumstances of Holden Stanton's birth, as well as their claim to fame as a player for the Baltimore Crabs. At age 12, Holden Stanton's face spontaneously ignited while playing on the roof of the original Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise farmstead. Holden's father made an 11 foot vertical leap from the porch to the roof, but was not able to reach his child in time to entirely prevent damage. As such, Holden Stanton's lower face was replaced with Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise branded paraphernalia.
Mid-life
Holden Stanton went to the Modesto Junior Collegiate to study. Modesto Junior Collegiate claims to have no record of Holden Stanton aside from perfect report cards, indicating an idyllic life during that time. However, further investigation has uncovered one record of a lawsuit in XXXX, where the Modesto Junior Collegiate sued Holden for property damage. The claim laid forwards by the Modesto Junior Collegiate's legal team asserted that Holden had destroyed the Collegiate Library's entire B3 flight of concrete stairs, from floor 11 all the way to Basement-12. Holden Stanton, upon falling skull-first down the stairs, was said to have irreparably shattered each stair. The lawsuit was never brought to court, and a settlement fee of $5.00 was paid out to the Modesto Junior Collegiate on behalf of the Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise Farming Empire.
Career
Holden Stanton is a player for the Baltimore Crabs. Upon Holden's joining of the Baltimore Crabs, the Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise branded paraphernalia making up Holden's lower face was spontaneously changed to Old Bay branded material. Holden Stanton is on record saying "I Miss Tiana" during the final game of Season 2, which is remarkable as this is the only known instance in which Holden Stanton, through interaction with the environment or through vocalization, has ever made an audible sound.
Cheers
- "Hold on, Holden!"
