Topic on Talk:Dark Seattle Corporates

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Community discussion period for Dark seattle corporates lore.

EmuWarVet (talkcontribs)

Added by Emu War Veteran. Edited to add Homerun Eric rumors. Edit 2: Added Disclaimer about heel status.

Dark Seattle Corporates:

The Flagship ship Blaseball team for Dark Seattle, The Corporates are the mirror image of the Seattle Garages in every way that counts. Founded in the wake of Dark Seattle throwing down it’s gods, the team’s Corporate overlords set themselves in their place, coveting the power left in the wake of the takeover. Since that time the Corporates have waged a relentless shadow struggle against the Garages and Seattle, seeking to spread their dominion over everything they can. Thankfully, due to budget cuts, employee sacrifices and bureaucratic red tape, exceptionally few instances ever actually reach through the dimensional rifts to accost Seattle’s citizenry (One example being Homerun Eric).

The Corporates themselves hold a deep, bitter and almost rabid jealousy over the Garages skill at Blaseball, often plotting to capture, lure or contract poach players so that they can study or dissect them to study how to create the perfect player. Their recent efforts have produced a faceless, nameless horde of staggeringly mediocre players incapable of even the most basic plays. Thoroughly disgusted with this, the Corporates overlords directed research and funding into a number of other programs such as the now well known Weapon Chex. Again, Corporate inefficiency has thankfully led to many disasters, accidents and breakouts, setting such research back years and fueling many an employee retraining and restructuring session. Newly restructured employees are often viewed with fear as they stalk the halls of the DEBT (Dedication to Equality Tower) and Human Resources sees this as an excellent morale booster.

DEBT Tower:

DEBT Tower is a squat, corporate love letter to brutalist prison structures that sits directly in the middle of the cityscape, at once drawing the eye with its prominence and repelling it with it’s stolid grotesquery. While it may not rise all that high into the blinding blue sky, it plumbs the blackest depths of Dark Seattle, levels and levels of imprisoned specimens, abandoned Accountant lairs and infernal mail rooms. Game days are the only time that it springs to life, with the cursed inhabitants of the city filing in slowly to watch the nameless, faceless team play against itself, cheering at the direction of the hulking cheerleaders and their whips, groveling for meager morsels of Jaylen Memorial Hotdogs and tepid puddles of Bud Light beer. At the end of it all, a Homerun Eric Impersonator will be brought out to sign blank cards and be rent asunder so that the denizens of the city may have a memento, before it rots away and leaves their vapid, uneventful lives a little emptier.

Homerun Eric:

While there may be bad fans all over league, none have risen to such heights of notoriety like part time cryptid/full time asshole Homerun Eric has. A successful used car salesman and landlord, there are seemingly no records, bank statements or tax returns from the entity known as Eric prior to him one day selling a Volkswagon that had no floor to a convent in the Seattle Heights. This is because prior to that day, he didn’t exist in our plane of existence, and was instead the Dark Seattle Corporates golden child of marketing.

Created in a Corporates birthing facility, they were conceived from the genetic material of the team’s greatest players, the CEO Triad. Raised by a team of 27 geneticists and marketing guru’s, they claim the CEO’s as their ‘Legal Guardians’. The terms of their birth certificate, upon closer inspection, seems to read more like a proof of sale than much anything else. In any event, Homerun Eric is the preferred player used when advertising is done for the Corporates, despite never having played a game in his life.

Homerun Eric Rumors:

Rumors swirl about Eric, each interaction with him breeding fresh disgust at his continued involvement with the beloved splort of Blaseball. While his rumors are too many and often too gross to publish fully, collected here are some of the more popular (and palatable):

-Homerun Eric is a bandwagon fan, he’s only ever liked teams that won the Internet Series on the season they won the Internet Series.

-Homerun Eric is obsessed with catching homerun balls and he will push and hurt children to get them, he doesn’t care if children cry, he just wants to sell the balls on ebay at a huge markup.

-Homerun Eric puts 5 $1 bills on the table at a restaurant. Whenever the waiter does something he doesn’t like, he takes one away. What’s left is the tip.

-Whenever Homerun Eric wins something on his first try, he never does it again to preserve his 100% win rate.

-Despite having a very small bladder Homerun Eric NEVER buys seats in the aisle, he’s always at the center of the section which is just inconvenient for everyone.

-Homerun Eric once threatened Randy Marijuana's cats in front of Randy. Once.

-Homerun Eric once got his Jaw broken by Monstera after threatening Randy weeds cats in front of him.

-The first time Homerun Eric met Meowlik, Eric pulled his tail.

-Homerun Eric is a businessman and if you ask what his business is he will say "giving you the business".

-Some people say Homerun Eric is so obsessed with homeruns he doesn’t pay attention to anything else about the game.

-Homerun Eric only repeats takes he’s heard on splorts radio.

-Homerun Eric says he is originally from California but decided to move up to the PNW because "the people are just so colorful and nice".

-Homerun Eric Thinks Allison Abbott should smile more. Allison Abbott thinks Homerun Eric should run faster.

[Disclaimer about Heel Status: During the first moments of life for the Homerun Eric character, it was very quickly decided that, as a rule, they were a heel for people to vent on, and so we did, coming up with all sorts of crazy things that he has done. While some are relatively benign from a lore perspective, some that have been thought up over the passing weeks are quite specific and terrible, with some putting situations or attitudes to Homerun Eric's name that could result in harm to people reading them. For this reason, while we recognize Eric as a heel for people to vent on, and encourage them to do so, we ask that people refrain from adding anything so as to avoid harm to others.]

EmuWarVet (talkcontribs)

Gonna add some of the less bad Homerun Eric rumors and also add a disclaimer about them being a heel character for people to vent on.