Solympic Flame

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The Solympic Flame is a symbol of the Sun beaming down across the great Immaterial Plane on which Internet League Blaseball takes place. At the dawn of every Season, the Solympic Flame is focused through a lens that sits on Sail Rock, Maine. It is then carried to the Solarium in Hellmouth to mark the beginning of the Hellmouth Sunbeams' blaseball season, and extinguished toward the end of the Season.

Due to various Hellmouth cults not shutting up about how the Flame is an aspect of the Divine Sun, the Flame has been extinguished almost every season ahead of schedule without fail by Seattle Garages fans.

Main Ceremonies

Lighting of the Flame

Sunlight is gathered from the easternmost blaseball field and the first to receive the Sun's rays, ballpark of the West Quoddy Lighthouse-Keepers Underleagues team[1]. A lens placed on second base focuses the beams across the diamond onto the batter's box by home plate. The lit batter then runs the 2590 miles to the Solarium, and lights the ceremonial pyre.

Extinguishing of the Flame

Traditionally, the Flame is extinguished with a bucket of Pacific Ocean water generously donated by the Hawai'i Fridays, and only when the Sunbeams (or their anti-rivals, the Hades Tigers) have been knocked out of contention for the season championship. Following the events of Season 1, however, Seattle Garages fans have made a counter-tradition of trying to put the Solympic Flame out before its scheduled time.


Season 1

The Flame was left unattended in the lobby of the Solarium. On Day 73[2], some Garages fans were reportedly cooling off nearby in the inhospitable Utah heat with a garden hose. A stray spray of water extinguished the Flame well before even the Sunbeams had entered Party Time, much less their anti-rivals the Tigers. Locals were mostly understanding that accidents happen, and warned the Garages fanbase to not go "snuffing out any further divine emanations of the Radiant Orb, please."

Season 2

Following the tragic early demise of the Solympic Flame in Season 1, the Flame was displayed a safe distance from any garden hoses or spigots in the Rhys Trombone Memorial Food Court and Equestrian Center. The increased foot traffic in the Food Court was also cited as a preventative measure, to make sure no water was accidentally brought near the Flame.

In an unprovoked attack, one dozen playground-veteran Lil' Roadies pelted the Solympic Flame with water balloons, extinguishing it on Day 88.[2] One Lil' Roadie diverted adult attention prior to the water-ballooning by staging a trip on the ichor-slick Food Court floor, and sobbing loudly with claims of a skinned knee. By the time qualified first-aider and Actual Doctor Nerd Pacheco had arrived on the scene and cleared the youth medically fit for all gallivanting, the extinguished flame was noticed and the perpetrators had escaped.


Debate ensued among residents of Hellmouth as to whether the previous year's untimely quenching was the result of juvenile opportunism or a coordinated attack on the Flame by fans of the noted godslayers the Seattle Garages, working in their heroes' stead to snuff out minor deities. The matter remained unresolved until photos emerged on social media of Garages Batter Cedric Spliff posing with the Lil' Roadies for "celebratory ISEEs #jobwelldone" at the 7-Heleven. The assorted cults of the Hellmouth resolved to band together to ensure that in the following season, the Flame would not - could not - be extinguished.

Season 3

Security around the Solympic Flame was considerably enhanced this season compared to previous years. The flame was this time enshrined in an enclosed service corridor within the Undercroft with long sightlines to spot marauding Garages fans. A security perimeter, staffed by rotating shifts of Dusk Conspiracy adherents, was erected round the Flame to keep it well out of throwing or spraying range. Ample ventilation which connected the Undercroft to the depths of the Hellmouth proper channeled superheated air into the Flame's location, which helped to evaporate any exposed water potential fire-snuffers might've been carrying.

The Flame was put out on Day 51, on the final day of a three-game Garages-Sunbeams home game series played at the Solarium. Sufficiently limber street performers infiltrated the area through the vents, then descended upon the Flame with fire extinguishers before the Dusk Conspiracy-appointed guards could clamber over their own fence.

Season 4

The Flame was relocated again within the Stadium for Season 4, in response to the Band's attacks in previous seasons. A specially fabricated suspension-and-pulley system, operated by four teams of Sunbeams fans spaced equally around the highest point in the stands, maneuvered a steel bucket carrying the Flame to the stadium's center. The bucket was then transferred from the pulley system to a hook attached to the retractable Solarium roof, nullifying a repeat of Season 3's access from above. The four pulley stations were then locked with four different keys, stored under Home Plate, and placed under watch by a rotation of volunteer guards for the duration of the season.

After surveying the new security set up, the Band put out the call to a team of Seattle's premier culture jammers, scions in the style of the Billboard Liberation Front. On Day 94, the first of a three-game series hosted at the Solarium, the jammers Infiltrated the stadium by posing as scaffolding crew. The guards were led on a chase by a bucket filled with kindling and fuel, set alight, and waved at the crowd. The guards, who due to selection pressure in the interview process were particularly zealous, deserted their posts in a frenzy after the jammers hijacked the jumbotron and yelled “Hey, we stole your stupid nightlight!”

The parkour experts then scaled the pulley system, zip-lined to the center of the sunroof and doused the flame with a fire extinguisher painted in Seattle colors. They then escaped in a getaway van after dousing the second bucket, "just in case the cults started worshiping that as well".

A Canadair CL-415 Superscooper, of similar make to the craft commandeered by the Lil' Roadies in their Season 5 assault on the Solympic Flame.

Season 5

Dramatic failures in protecting the flame from previous seasons drove Sunbeams fans to desperation - the time-honoured tradition of ensconcing the flame somewhere within the Solarium was abandoned, and the Flame instead secured atop a crumbling pillar of rock suspended by fell magics in the very Hellmouth's maw. The Flame's brazier was custom-engineered with a deep fuel reservoir at its base and wind-funnelling shielding to protect it from the gales, wails and roiling waves of heat which rose up from the Hellmouth below. A defense network of Ozone Wolves were also deployed at an altitude of approximately 3000m to warn ground crew of any incoming assaults.

After learning of the position of the Flame in the Hellmouth, the Band was stumped as to how to approach this particular pickle. The Lil’ Roadies, however, were inspired by a viewing of the peak elderly dad energy movie ‘The Dambusters’, which Greer Gwiffin had been watching near the kids' section. He had left the film on after consuming a plate of Turkey Legs and Cranberry sauce, and promptly fell asleep. Purchasing a water bomber aircraft that Cedric Spliff had lying around for some reason by barter[3][4], they strapped speakers all over it and took off on Day 76 when the Sunbeams were playing an away game at the Hotdogfingers Memorial Climate Pledge Garage and Parking Facility. Flying low so as to avoid any wolves, the Lil' Roadies made two passes on the flame, the 1812 overture in full with cannons (Courtesy of Ron Monstera’s pilfered cd collection) blaring as loud as the knob could be turned. They hit the mark with their third pass at the Flame. Casualties were high, with many stuffed animals and Jaylen Memorial Hotdogs sacrificed to placate the hellhounds swarming from the Hellmouth.


The passing of the High Filter Decree at the end of Season 5 was a source of some relief for parties in the Hellmouth, who were invested in going "just one heck-danged season without those band geeks snuffing out what was good and right" - a noted contrast to the general anxieties it imbued in Beams fans at large. The restructuring of the League (placing the Garages and Sunbeams in different leagues) would ensure there would be fewer games on the schedule with the Seattle team, which would pose considerable barriers for Roadies trying to arrive in Hellmouth to case the joint or stage an assault on the Flame.

Season 6

In spite of major League shake-ups, the powers that be in the Hellmouth elected to go with their most extreme defensive measures yet - storing the Flame in the Sub-Ocean, the infinite and ever-shifting fractal dungeon that lies beneath the stadium. The Flame and a Go[5]Pro were strapped to Sutton Bishop, who descended into the Sub-Ocean armed with three swords[6] and the combined raucous focus of the Six O'Clock Swill gathered at The Hellmouth pub in Bishop Sutton. Sutton re-emerged some time later with seven swords and no Flame, and heavily-corrupted footage implying it had stashed the Flame inside a Solarium diorama, which was itself in a display case surrounded by other display cases each with their own Solarium diorama[7]. Through methods unable to be recorded in the public domain, Sutton also set up a laser-based security grid in the diorama room and connected it to a series of tubes which would flood the entire region of the Sub-Ocean with rapidly-solidifying bakelite to trap intruders.

While plans were being drawn up by the newly founded "Candleblower" committee in response to these new and vastly improved defenses, Season 6 turned exceptionally bitter for the Sunbeams - a zenith reached with the incineration of Randall Marijuana. In light of the loss, the Band decided in the spirit of splortsmanship to call off the attack and leave the flame untouched this season as a sign of respect.

There were those, however, who decided to do more.

Game 94 marked the first day of a three-day series between the Sunbeams and the Miami Dale, and the only game of the three which was played at the Solarium. The Dale arrived in Hellmouth as usual on their party yacht, La Fiesta, doing a lap around the Mill Creek Moat before doing several "sick jumps" over Qais Dogwalker's mech in the carpark. While this would normally be an unremarkable pregame event for a Sunbeams home game against the Dale, a "blunt the size of an oak tree[citation needed]" was tossed from the yacht into the stadium carpark by batter Logan Horseman. Horseman later explained that the Dale had transported the artifact "as a favour to Farrell", though clarified that "I don't think she's responsible either, when I asked for details she didn't seem to know where it came from either? Only that she knew it was important it get delivered."

The Shadow Roadies are a rarely-seen, even-more-rarely-acknowledged, group of entities at the Hangar. These Ghosts of the Roadies of Yore pay penance for their accrued weed debts through work and maintenance around the stadium. Lurking forever in the dark corners where none think to look, they are "the unsung and unnoticed, the heroes of stage setups and Sound Checks". Notably, it is in their nature to honor those fallen to the flames of incineration, and for this purpose a tribute to Randy Marijuana was engineered: a colossal flammable tribute, delivered to the Solarium's main gates through whispered urges and favors; and one Roadie, chosen from their number to perform this sacred task.

Using the ancient magical Roadie art of "Overtime Pay", the singular Shadow creature braved the Hellmouth's perilous brightness, anathema to its kind. It delved deep into the Sub-Ocean's maze, its incorporeal form undetected by the laser tripwires. When it emerged on Day 97, the Flame it carried was a weak thing - flickering and shaking beneath the Sun's burning light. The Shadow Roadie carried the Flame beyond the stadium doors, and offered it to the blunt awaiting it in the parking lot. As mourning Sunbeams fans saw this display, they were greeted with a sign:


The fans were taken by an urge, one by one, to join hands in a rendition of Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now". Rumors say the tour bus of an unnamed band was seen driving away, from the Hellmouth - but as far as anyone knows, that's just a rumor.

The Flame was kept well-fed with "botanical" tributes to Randy by fans and players alike for the remainder of the regular season and Post-Season, until Day 110 when the Garages played their final game in the Season 6 Internet Series.

  1. The Lighthouse-Keepers' home ballpark is of questionable legality as a regulation blaseball diamond, as only the home plate is on the mainland. 2nd base is on Sail Rock; 1st and 3rd base are buoys secured approximately 50m and 200m off shore respectively.
  2. 2.0 2.1 A plurality of universes list this as a Day the Sunbeams had a home game against the Seattle Garages. If your postcognition recognises a different day when the Garages played in Hellmouth, Seasons 1+2, please contact the author of this article.
  3. The craft was exchanged for a pack of Gum, two Free Trade chocolate bars, and the last known whereabouts of Spliff's good weed.
  4. The weed had been stolen by the Lil' Roadies for this very purpose.
  5. (o(o)se)
  6. One lent from the equipment cupboard, one stolen from the equipment cupboard, and one later established to have been stolen from the Lovers' sword collection stashed in Sigmund Castillo.
  7. This Sub-Ocean location appears to be similar to one discovered in an earlier expedition by Dudley Mueller.