Simon Haley

From Blaseball Wiki

Simon Haley is a player for the Canada Moist Talkers, and has been with the team since Fall Ball. Haley has played for the Charleston Shoe Thieves.

Official League Records

Haley joined the ILB as a lineup player for the Canada Moist Talkers after the incineration of Trevino Merritt on Season β2, Day 72.

On Season β3, Day 8, Haley swallowed a peanut and had an allergic reaction, resulting in a combined 9.8 5.9 stat decrease.

On Season β8, Day 44, Haley was exchanged to the Charleston Shoe Thieves due to Feedback. Haley was replaced by Eugenia Garbage.

During the Season β8 election, the Shoe Thieves received the Radical Alchemy blessing, which randomized Haley's batting from 1.2 3.3

On Day 7 of Season β10, Haley hit the first recorded pentaslam (5-run home run) and found the 4-Blood Blagonball.

On Season 9, Day X, Haley gained the Flinch modification after the Shoe Thieves lost to THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS.

On Season β10, Day 81, Haley's defensive ability was siphoned by Philly Pies lineup player Yeong-Ho Benitez in a game with Blooddrain weather, decreasing it 1.0 0.7 .

In the Season β10 elections, Haley received Noise-Cancelling Headphones, becoming Soundproof. (The Headphones would later be lost, along with all other Discipline Era items across the league, at the beginning of Season 15.)

During the Coffee Cup, Haley played for Club de Calf as a lineup player.

On Season β24, Day 83, Haley retreated to the Shoe Thieves' Shadows in exchange for Gallup Murphy due to Night.

During the December 16, 2022 Fall Ball, Haley fell to the Canada Moist Talkers.

During the Season 1 Elections, Haley gained the Knighted Modification, and embarked on a quest in the Moist Talkers' Shadows following the passing of the NEW Open the Forbidden Book Decree. They were replaced on the active roster by Pixie Carberry.

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Blaseball Career


Haley was voted ILB Rookie of the Year by fan vote at the end of Season β2. He is the first player to receive this award.

Personal Life

Simon Haley is rumored to be the lovechild of 18th Century English astronomer Edmond Halley and the short-period comet 1P/Halley, conceived sometime following Edmond Halley's death in 1742.

Haley came down to the Moist Talkers from on high after Trevino Merritt's incineration, and was chosen to take Merritt's place after ey displayed much of the same batting and running prowess as zir predecessor.

After her unfortunate peanut reaction in Season 3, Haley founded the Anti-Peanut Alliance and devoted aerself to it. After the Season β9 playoffs, the Alliance began creating fliers proclaiming "Top 10 Anti-Peanut Tips For The Upcoming Battle Against God" and posting advice in a similar vein online. Following the fall of the Shelled One, Haley is quoted saying "I'm just proud I could do my part to help." When asked what the Alliance would do next, Haley responded that "we may branch out to herald the defeat of other corrupt gods, but as of now we're back to fighting against the evils of the common nut. Did you know over 60% of ILB players are allergic?"

On his swap to the Charleston Shoe Thieves, Haley told reporters that he quickly slotted into the team's dynamic, in part due to pamphlets printed up by former teammate Lachlan Shelton to help former Talkers adapt to their new environment. Teammate Howell Franklin commented that "When you first talk to Simon, he seems like such a shy little thing. But when he opens up? Absolute chaos. He just wants to yell. I respect that immensely." The two appear to be friends in some capacity as, after the season 10 game in which Haley hit the ILB's first ever recorded pentaslam, Franklin reportedly lifted em onto their shoulders and did a lap around the field while Haley emitted whoops of delight.


  • Haley's birthday is July 12, 1986
  • Haley is a Type 1 diabetic and has an insulin pump
  • Haley's favourite skittles are the green ones

Fan Works