Sexton Wheerer

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(Redirected from Sexton Wheeler)

Sexton Wheerer is a lineup player for the LA Unlimited Tacos and has been with the team since the Season 18 elections. Wheerer has played for the Yellowstone Magic, and for the Rising Stars during the ILB Semi-Centennial.

Official League Records

Wheerer joined the ILB as a pitcher for the Los Angeles Tacos with the Return of Blaseball, with the name Sexton Wheeler.

After the Season 3 elections, Wheerer was briefly known as Wyatt Mason due to The Wyatt Masoning. During The Unmasoning, Wheerer's surname was misspelled by The Commissioner during repairs, and was written as Wheerer instead of Wheeler. They are one of two Tacos players who had their original name's spelling changed through The Unmasoning (the other being Wyatt Dovenpart). The cause of this error is believed to be carelessness on The Commissioner's part, even if The Commissioner is doing a great job.

During the Season 4 elections, Wheerer was affected by the Alternate Reality decree and replaced by an Alternate. This involved Wheerer's stats being randomized, resulting in a combined 9.8 -> 8.7 stat decrease.

At the end of the Season 7 regular season, Wheerer and the other Tacos pitchers received the Shelled modification as part of the Snackrifice. Wheerer was later freed on Day 47 of Season 8.

Following the events of Season 9, Day X, Wheerer became the only pitcher in the Tacos' rotation.

During the Season 9 election, Wheerer received the Friend of Crows modification due to the passing of the Forecast: Birds decree. Their pregame ritual still consists of eating a bird, however.

During the Coffee Cup, Wheerer played for the Milk Proxy Society as a lineup player.

During the Season 12 elections Wheerer received a combined stat change of 11.9 -> 16.6 as a result of the Tacos' Infuse will.

During the Season 14 elections, Wheerer retreated to the Tacos' Shadows in exchange for Vito Kravitz as a result of the Tacos' Foreshadow will, resulting in a combined 16.9 -> 17.5 stat increase.

During the Season 15 elections, Wheerer rejoined the Tacos' active roster in exchange for Rat Batson as a result of the Tacos' Foreshadow will, becoming a lineup player in the process.

Wheerer was traded to the Yellowstone Magic in exchange for Bevan Wise during the Season 17 elections via the Magic's Plunder will.

Wheerer was traded back to the LA Unlimited Tacos in exchange for Bevan Wise during the Season 18 elections via the Tacos' Equivalent Exchange will.

During the Season 20 elections, Wheerer gained the Green Light modification as a result of the Green Light blessing.

During the ILB Semi-Centennial, Wheerer played for the Rising Stars. Wheerer then returned to the LA Unlimited Tacos as a lineup player.

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Early Life

Wheerer, though born in Los Angeles, is said to have spent most of his childhood roaming the Midwestern United States after the mysterious disappearance of his biological parents. Unlike some other players, Wheerer answers questions about their past, but is frustratingly vague in what appears to be pure obliviousness. He does claim to have been "raised by the land" and has been seen wrestling with coyotes in the past. As a teen, Wheerer was adopted by a family of tires. The Wheerers have been seen at multiple games.

Recruitment and Reputation

Wheerer signed up for the community kickball league with the sole intention of making friends. He does not seem to have any issues with the inescapable nature of blaseball and has stated that he's "happy to be a part of such a close team for as long as he can." It is unclear if the undefined end they are referring to is incineration or switching teams.

Despite their lower star ranking, Wheerer is a consistent asset to the team, known for their level head in high stress games as well as their stamina.

Landmarks Controversy

During interviews, Wheerer has stated that they are not responsible for all natural landmarks within the state of California, though they have been disregarded due to their flustered behavior. Rumors that they are a supernaturally strong folk hero persist. During a postgame interview after a victory against the Boston Flowers, Wheerer issued an apology regarding the dire wolf population of Los Angeles for the La Brea Tarpits. When pressed for details they claimed personal responsibility for the natural landmark.

I was a fearful man when I made them pits, but fear is no excuse for what I done. I will do what I can to make it right to the wolves, mammoths, and other critters what got caught in my youthful indiscretion. I am truly sorry.

Representatives from the George C. Page Museum could offer no explanation for how Wheerer could have been alive, much less responsible, for the heavy oil fractions which are believed to have been seeping for tens of thousands of years. They did, however, formally accept their apology.

Food Allergies

Wheerer has a multitude of food allergies, including but not limited to: pecans, grapes, all types of Chex Mix, tires, grass, and, finally, tacos. This creates an issue during promotional shoots, where Wheerer eats as many tacos as possible, and before games, where Wheerer also eats as many tacos as possible. As a result of this tradition, he will now only eat things that are wrapped in a tortilla. Wheerer's dedication to team spirit before their health is speculated to be the reason for the discrepancy between their stats and play.

Masoning/Unmasoning

Having always been a bit rootless, Wheeler was quick to start wandering through the infinite cities of Los Angeli following the Grand Unslam. He had been searching for interesting sights to see in other Los Angeli while the Unmasoning was occurring. When the Microphone picked up his localization frequency, he was halfway between two different Los Angeli, causing him to be improperly restored as Sexton Wheerer.

When Sexton reported to the dugout for blaseball in season 4, he was insistent that his name was "Wheerer", and was confused by the lack of existence of wheers. Some theorized that this may have been a Sexton from an entirely different Los Angeli, who was also a wanderer until he replaced a still missing Wheeler.

Following the Unmasoning, Wheerer's wandering intensified, leading him to continue traversing the infinite Los Angeli, in hopes of finding alternate versions of himself and finding out if he was the only Sexton to have this surreal quality.

Alternate Reality

Wheerer was switched out with another Sexton Wheerer from another Los Angeli at the end the Season 4. He is now a centaur. Nothing else has changed.

The exact configuration of human and horse biology in Wheerer's body is unclear, with reports differing wildly. See gallery for known photographs of Alternate Reality Wheerer.

Snackrifice

During Season 7, Wheerer, along with the rest of the Tacos pitchers, participated in the Snackrifice, campaigning to be above the Ominous Red Line and get Shelled. Wheerer did not lead the initiative, but was an enthusiastic supporter of it, being inspired by the more leaderly Wyatt Pothos and by a desire to protect both his fellow pitchers and the rest of the league in any way he could, despite being fully aware of the potential dangers.

Unlike the rest of the Tacos pitchers, however, Wheerer was Unshelled on Season 8, Day 47 by a flock of Birds. This resulted in him gaining a Superallergy to peanuts. Upon being Unshelled, he insisted on pitching the majority of games in the season, pitching four games per rotation while the Pitching Machine pitched two per rotation, to prove that he didn't break out of the shell for nothing. He stated an interest in taking a break, but "only when my friends come back."

Day X

At the end of Season 8, Pitching Machine was Shelled, leaving Wheerer as the Tacos' only active pitcher. As a result, they rose up to the top of the Idol Leaderboard, and they pitched every single game the Tacos played in Season 9. Wheerer was already noted to be somewhat disregarding their health during this time, focusing solely on his pitching; he was reported to have rejected Mcdowell Mason's offer of use of his Baja Blast sensory deprivation tank at one point, however, due to its stickiness.

As of Season 9 Day X, Wheerer went from the only active Tacos pitcher to the only Tacos pitcher, period. When asked for comment at the time, Wheerer simply stared flatly at the reporter until teammate and friendly wrestling partner Halexandrey Walton entered the room, took one look at the tense scene, and immediately started trying to bite the reporter's kneecaps until they left. However, in a later interview during the Grand Siesta, Wheerer stated:

When my teammates - my friends - walked out on that field, my heart sank. I felt lower than I'd ever felt before. My mind and my heart were racing- "I failed them", "Why them", "It should be me out there". It really stuck with me. When our games started back up and we realized they weren't coming back, even then, I devoted myself to my pitching. It was the only thing I knew how to do, and looking back, I suppose it was some kind of misguided attempt to get them back, or prove my worth, or... something like that. I realized at some point, I think, that I was using pitching day in day out as a way to keep myself from thinking about it. I couldn't face the feeling that I had failed my friends, the only things that had ever made this hell-splort worth playing for me. I kept thinking about how I should be out there instead of them. I was never happy out on the mound because of that. I think I saw a quote from Mcdowell [Mason] that said I went "No think, only pitch" and yeah. That's about right. I can't go back and watch those games. Its an entirely different person throwing those balls. Definitely the darkest point of my career.

Throughout Season 10, Wheerer threw himself into his pitching at the cost of everything else, and was described by Team Captain Mcdowell Mason as being "on full autopilot. No think, only pitch. It was awful to watch." Wheerer used Mason's Baja Blast sensory deprivation chamber during this time despite its unpleasant stickiness, seemingly out of a lack of care for hygiene; this may have been an effective method of some recuperation. All the other Tacos tried to ensure Wheerer maintained his health during this time as much as he could, with Mcdowell especially frequently checking in on him and providing him with support. In turn, Wheerer expressed a feeling of responsibility for their teammates, especially later in the season as he started to participate in group activities again, such as touring interesting Los Angeli with teammate Basilio Fig.

Friend of Crows

In the Season 9 elections, freshly reeling from losing six - seven, counting Wyatt Dovenpart's retreat to shadows - teammates entirely, Wheerer received the Friend of Crows Modification. This, as it turned out, was just the most recent installment in Wheerer's long history with Birds; as well as having been Unshelled by them a season prior and eating one before every game as part of their pregame ritual, Wheerer first encountered Birds as a child, and his EAT or be EATen lifestyle in the wilderness caused a deep-seated dislike for them. His resentment towards Birds grew when the Birds Unshelled him but left all his fellow Shelled Tacos to be Subjugated onto the PODS, and he had occasionally attempted to hit birds with his pitches like Randy Blohnson.

After the Season 9 Elections, however, Birds began flocking around Wheerer and listening to his commands. It is speculated that this is because They Have Chosen Him. In addition, upon becoming a Friend of Crows, Wheerer may or may not have also gained a set of crow-like pegasus wings. These are a product of his shapeshifting. The Birds have demonstrated signs of care for Wheerer, preening these wings and grooming his hair and fur.

Now that he has gained some level of friendship with these Birds, Wheerer has been noted to no longer grab a Bird directly out of the sky for their pregame ritual, instead bringing a bucket of Klentucky Frlied Chicken to games. Either the bucket itself or the chicken in it is often wrapped in a tortilla to make it even more of a taco. When asked about his preference for chicken, Wheerer stated "It's one of my comfort foods and is a really good texture. When I ain't having a great day, I only want to eat food what has a nice predictable texture, and that's chicken. Them crows ain't opposed, and I think I'm startin' to like them crows, those jerks."

Peace, Prosperity, and Peanut Bong

With the start of the era of Peace and Prosperity, the knowledge that his friends were at least okay (if no longer on the same team as him), and the ability to no longer pitch every game, Wheerer was finally able to take a break. This allowed the sheer number of games he had pitched over the past three seasons - two hundred in a row - to finally catch up to him, and him to realize just how exhausted he was; but it also allowed him to have games off and start taking better care of himself.

However, Peace and Prosperity had one additional "gift" for Wheerer: the addition of Peanut Bong to the Tacos' rotation. Wheerer was initially somewhat annoyed to have them on the team: "out of all the players what could have rejoined our team-- Patel, Aly, Quitter-- we got this kid. Feels like a cruel joke." He avoided Bong for a decent part of the season, out of a combination of bad memories of watching the PODS and concern for his own superallergy, while also being almost more stressed when Bong was pitching out of a hesitation to trust them on the mound.

Over the course of Season 11, Wheerer gradually came to be friends with Bong, starting after Taco Tuesday (Season 11, Day 36) when it was made very clear to the Tacos that runs do not really matter. This now allowed him to express his immense relief at no longer having to pitch every game.

During the Grand Siesta, Wheerer got physical therapy to recuperate from his very long pitching streak. He also became closer friends with his teammates, including Bong. The end of Peace and Prosperity, meanwhile, was not quite so restful for Wheerer. When the Tacos first heard the news about Wyatt Quitter shelling Denzel Scott, Wheerer was effectively in denial and resolved to ignore it. He did, however, end up watching when Bong tasted the infinite and shelled Nerd Pacheco.

This ain't good. This really ain't good. I can't protect my friends from being Shelled again, and I can't protect 'em from Shelling anyone else, and... I don't want to blame the kid, y'know? And I don't want them to feel I'm scared of them, because that ain't what they need in their life... but- but I'm just a bit wary, is all.

The era of Peace and Prosperity was over. When Bong was shadowed at the end of Season 12, it came as a relief to both of them.

Time in Yellowstone

Near the end of season 17, Wheerer was feeling stressed and overworked. He needed a change of scenery, somewhere very different from the Infinite Cities. He thought of what he'd heard from former teammate Halexandrey Walton about Yellowstone, about the wide open spaces, beautiful natural landscapes, and seclusion from the press. He reached out to the Magic to ask for a trade. Bevan Wise answered and the two made a pact: Bevan would go to the cities to study them and Sexton would move to the parkpark to get some rest.

The team he met in Yellowstone was not in good spirits. The Magic had lost several beloved players in the recent past, both to feedback and redactions. This was a pain that Sexton knew well, and he offered them comfort, sympathy, and a few pep talks.

He grew close with Melton Telephone while they were both recovering from Consumer attacks. He gave the rookie pitcher some tips, and in exchange, they helped him reach the right reality when calling his friends back home. His relationship with Logan Rodriguez was not so immediately friendly, but over time Wheerer grew to respect the eccentric old druid. Rodriguez even taught him some magic, and though he never became very powerful, what little he learned came quite naturally to him.

Wheerer felt that coming to Yellowstone was the right choice, but there’s something gnawing at him that isn’t a consumer, or the squirrel that got into his bunk that one time. The consumer attack proved that not even a complete change of scenery and faces gets him away from all his troubles. He’s healed in some ways and hurt in new ways.

Fan Works


  • The Idol Banquet: At the end of each regular season, the ILB hosts a banquet for the top 20 idols. Sexton's never felt like he belongs, but maybe a talk with an old friend can change his mind.
  • On the Ridge: During the Grand Siesta, Peanut Bong approaches Sexton with some questions about the past, present, and how they affect each other.
  • For Fun and Profit: Comic - Sexton deals with the fallout of being the only pitcher on the Tacos.
  • Hanging it out: Comic - Drug use tw: Sexton and McDowell Mason have a smoke in the woods while fishing.
  • Dealing With It: Comic - Sexton says goodbye to Yummy Elliot while leaving for Yellowstone.
  • Backwater: Comic - After being bit by Consumers while in Yellowstone, Sexton has a dream talk with Bevan Wise.