Rat Batson

From Blaseball Wiki

Rat Batson is a player in the Shadows for the LA Unlimited Tacos, and has been with the team since Season β15, Day 14.

Official League Records

Batson joined the ILB as a lineup player for the LA Unlimited Tacos on Season β15, Day 14 after the incineration of Nicholas Vincent.

Batson hit a solo home run off of Rivers Clembons on Season β15, Day 74 against the Miami Dale.

During the Season β15 elections, Batson retreated to the Tacos' Shadows in exchange for Sexton Wheerer as a result of the Tacos' Foreshadow will, resulting in a combined 8 8.8 stat increase.

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.


Joining the Tacos

During Rat Mason's trip Elsewhere over the break between Season β14 and Season β15, they encountered a strange creature with batlike features, with a grasp of language but very little knowledge of the outside world. The two grew to become fast friends, and by the time Rat Mason found their way back to Los Angeli, they wanted to show the other players this new creature. It didn't have a defined name yet, so it impulsively imitated Rat's name, setting it as their first name. During its first interaction with the rest of the team, it introduced itself as 'Rat', despite being a bat. Vito Kravitz immediately joked that that would make them Rat Bat-son, instead of Mason.

The name inadvertently stuck.

Newly-named Rat Batson was also, unknowingly, signed up as the team's batboy once Al Pastor caught wind of its arrival. The following day, Batson began performing its duties, and found a knack in retrieving stray bits of equipment clogging the field, while bantering with players from both teams as it did so. Although initially unwitting, it quickly learned to enjoy this task, and built its identity around helping players play Blaseball safely, keeping their equipment in tip-top shape.

On the ninth day of Batson's employment, things changed drastically for the worse. Nicholas Vincent, beloved Tacos rookie, hit a bomb home run that made the crowd go wild. Batson was picking up NV's discarded Blaseball bat when Nicholas Vincent was incinerated by a Rogue Umpire just as she crossed home plate. The shocking event left everyone, and everything, paralyzed. The loss hit the Tacos players immediately. Heartbreak was felt within every single one, even Batson, who did not know Envy that well. Even while the players were reeling, the Umpires ruled that play had to continue. Batson, who was left holding Envy's discarded bat, was immediately commanded to play in xer place.

Batson entered the batter's box the following at-bat, mortified. It attempted to use a Blaseball bat from the dugout, but the same Umpire which had incinerated Nicholas Vincent threatened Batson with the same fate, for daring to enter the box with 'more than one bat', stating that “since {Batson} resembled a bat, {it} was not allowed to use a bat”. One of the cruelest events in Tacos' history was capped off with this cruel joke, which kickstarted Batson's single, terrible season as a hitter.

Playing Without a Bat

While struggling to fill NV's shoes in any capacity, Batson spent their first dozen games watching the ball constantly sail into the catcher's glove. It only occasionally got to first base by way of a walk, which it celebrated, but it knew it wasn't even remotely able to produce like Nicholas Vincent, who was a star hitter by all metrics.

This didn't stop Batson from coming around as a beloved team member, although it certainly took time. Soon not only was Batson walking and striking out, but it began attempting to punch at pitches coming its way, occasionally putting a ball into play. Once in a blue moon it managed to single over to first base, but this was clearly more of a fluke than anything consistent. Regardless, it got along surprisingly well with the Tacos, despite being a replacement player for a friend, and was regarded as being sweet, thoughtful, and extremely conflict-averse.

Entry into the Shadows

By the end of Season 15, Batson was clearly not going to stay on the team for next year, and it was excited to go back to its position as batboy. Starting after the bizarre walk-fest on Day 57, it also gained a new part-time job as a batting coach, specifically focused on plate discipline, which Tacos players needed greatly. When the Elections were finalized, and a Will was written to place Batson in the Shadows in exchange for Sexton Wheerer, nobody was more thankful than Batson itself.

After its terrible season as a batter, Batson returned to its job as a batboy, assistant batting coach, and even picked up a new hobby - taking photos of Tacos games to immortalize their team culture.

Statistical Abnormality

Season 15

Batson's real talent became clear on Day 57 of Season β15, in a Tacos home game versus the Boston Flowers. Basilio Fig walked to first base on only four pitches versus the weak Parker Parra, who would go on to lose all of their games that season. Batson decided to try and exacerbate their stress and frustration on the mound, when it stepped up to the batter's box.

Despite being a rather kind individual, Batson had learned - through osmosis, watching Vito Kravitz pitch - how to taunt like a master. It began hurling insults at Parker Parra, begging them to throw “just one strike!”, and emphasizing that it wouldn't even swing at any pitches. Parra was thrown off by this, and ended up also walking Batson to first base, with exactly four pitches, and advancing Fig as a result.

Next up to bat was Halexandrey Walton, who instantly hit a double. Fig and Batson ran home, and this was only the second time the bat had ever rounded the bases. It was a giggling, gleeful mess, barely able to believe what had just happened! Amidst the celebration, Batson started encouraging all the other players to do the exact same thing it had done — make fun of Parker Parra, and walk to first. "They're terrified," it exclaimed. "You can just get on base, easy!"

There was some doubt when Mcdowell Mason stepped up to the plate, but the team captain believed in his new player. Lo and behold, Parker Parra allowed a four-pitch walk, putting two on base once more. Greer Gwiffin followed next, and did the exact same thing. Batson was howling with excitement and laughter from the dugout, and an excited Rat Mason went up, vowing to not swing a single time, either. In a stunning move, Rat Mason was again walked on four pitches. With the bases already loaded, this meant Walton walked home, safe, scoring yet another run in a catastrophic inning.

By the time the dust settled, Batson was heralded as an unlikely hero. While it had no chance of being a power hitter, and would go on to have the #2 spot in single-season strikeout records, it saw weakness in opposing pitchers, which would go on to influence its future on the Tacos.

Home Run

On Day 74, against Miami Dale pitcher Rivers Clembons, Rat Batson hit a home run. It is not known by any person or entity how this happened. Some bystanders say that Batson wound up a reality-shattering uppercut, sending the blaseball flying to the upper decks. Others insinuate that just for this plate appearance, Batson was tossed a bat, if only to finally escape its currently-negative Runs Batted In stat; regardless, it was an event so spectacular and impossible that a banner was permanently placed in the Al Pastor Memorial Park to commemorate it. This was Batson's only career home run, and one of their very few runs batted in all season.

In addition to its pitiful RBI, Batson boasted a league-leading 3.0 URBI, or Unruns-Batted-In, achieving them on separate dates versus pitchers with Triple Threat This record was so astounding that it led many fans to suspect that something in their calculations had broken. The truth was simply that Batson did not swing, ever, at anything, and earned itself a medal for this, counterproductive of achievements. It was celebrated, because it knew it would never earn a medal for anything else.

Personal Life

Although a newer member of the Tacos, Batson absorbed the team's culture at an alarming rate, perhaps owing to its strange form from Elsewhere. It picked up language and behaviors from Rat Mason, but has taken on personality traits of many players, including Wyatt Mason IV's caution and friendliness, Yummy Elliot's carefree nonsense-based attitude, and Vito Kravitz's ego. Some would call its influence from Rat Mason "bad", given that Batson occasionally causes havoc and shenanigans, but that has become an inextricable part of Batson's self.

Their greatest friends in the clubhouse included other nocturnal players like Greer Gwiffin and Halexandrey Walton, hanging out late and watching movies during a gathering known as the Night Tacos. Since the trading away of Gwiff and Hex, Night Tacos has been entirely a Rat, Yummy, and Rat hangout session, along with Sexton Wheerer occasionally popping in.

Batson muses sometimes about missing life in Elsewhere, but has rejected attempts to drive it back Elsewhere, as it enjoys the fact that the Los Angeli aren't "so dang immaterial all the time". Batson has a room in the team's clubhouse, but often sleeps under the ballpark roofing, hanging from the rafters. According to the team's legal documents, Batson also has a legal driver's license, but it is unclear when it received this distinction, and Batson does not own a car. When questioned, it only replied, 'Racing'.

The creature doesn't mind going by the name 'Rat', but has also provided an alternative first name to reduce confusion, in the form of the name "Barry".

A rumor has circulated through news outlets that Batson, as the batboy, has a "batboy boy", but it was not able to be reached for comment on this matter. Players perpetuate that if Batson wanted a batboy boy, they would happily sign them up onto the team officially.

Fan Works