Randall Marijuana's Cat/Randy's Cat Cáfe

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Randall Marijuana has given 37 cats a new home in his Cáfe so far.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Artemis

It's Artemis's job to hunt the mice in the house. This is tough job, due to the newly introduced species of Demon Mice that crawl up from the Hellmouth. Though difficult, Artemis is adept at capturing these mice and returning them to the arena, where they become the imps' problem. The only compensation she demands is scratches behind the ears.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Asparagus


Asparagus (a.k.a. Asaparagus) is a fuzzy pillow that Randall Marijuana believes is a cat. When a friend asked Marijuana if Asparagus was a cat or just a fuzzy pillow, Marijuana reportedly replied: "Well it has four limbs, like a starfish, you know? So it's technically a cat." Asparagus loves to play chase, or so Randy says.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Charlemange

Taken from "Old Opossum's Guide of Finicky Felines" by S. L. Steams

Out of every cat (I've seen many, at that)

In the Hellmouth's Unusual Fauna

There's none more strange than Charlemange

Owned by Randall Marijuana

He's a regal sort, with his whiskers trimmed short

And his coat always freshly groomed

You could see your reflection, should it be his election

To let you look without being consumed

For if Charlemange smiles- he does once in a while-

His jaw opens unusually wide

And so many teeth will become unsheathed-

Like a vortex of daggers inside!

And you might feel a pull, like he's gripped your soul-

Pulling you further in

And you can scream and shout, but you'll never get out

Not once your harvesting begins

Now have no fear, for when Randy is near

Charlemange's just a normal cat

But if Randy's out fishin', and that mouth starts twitchin'



So if you see Charlemange, and a look you exchange,

And you catch a sort of gleam in his eye,

You can admire from far, but stay right where you are-

Unless of course dear Randy's nearby!

Out of every feline (and there's many, you might find)

That stroll around Randy's house

Charlemange's the one that ended me, I'm done,

And he'll never ever let me out

And he'll never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever





Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Clonk Fuzzball the Third

Clonk Fuzzball the Third is definitely one of Randall Marijuana's cats. It's a very chill cat and most often found napping in the same corner, never perceived eating or moving unless provoked. Clonk has incredibly fluffy fur that is very soft to touch and long enough to hide its face, as well as four wooden legs which are likely the reason for Clonk's name. Visitors often sit down on Clonk, much to Randy's confusion since based on what he knew cats aren't meant for sitting.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Crunchy, Splotchy, Lumpy, and Spikey

Crunchy, Splotchy, Lumpy and Spikey are four kittens in a box that Randall Marijuana found one day riding home on his skateboard. As the box read "Free To A Good Home", he took them in. As soon as he entered his home, he found that the kittens were bound to the box. They only exist inside the box and with each other. Randall decided to attach the box to an autonomous robotic vacuum cleaner so they could move around.

When Randall was asked about their names, he simply replied, "It's what they felt like when I pet them."

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Diogenes

Diogenes is a quadrupedal homunculus that is about 18 inches long and 10 inches tall. Diogenes has a head with two eyes, two ears, a nose and a mouth. They also have an approximately 12 inch long tail, fur, and a bad attitude. Diogenes is a cat by all definitions, and that is all that matters to their caretaker.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Frank

Frank is a demon that broke into Randy's house one day. When he realized Randy was sitting on the couch playing Minecraft, he sat down to watch. He's a small and four-legged demon, with triangular ears and short gray fur. Although he looks like a cat, Frank assures those around him he is in fact a demon. Randall has yet to notice.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Garlic

Garlic is one of Randall Marijuana's cats. Garlic is not, in fact, a cat, but a terrestrial octopus using a felted-wool cat nest as a hidey-hole. Garlic enjoys jazz and slushies from the Seven-Helleven.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Gloopy Crow

Gloopy Crow is approximately five liters of caustic sludge, bound to the skull of a cat. Gloopy Crow possesses a quantity of limbs generally in the region of "more than enough." Cat Café patrons are advised not to touch Gloopy Crow, as it does not like the attention and the effect of its sludgy substance is, according to Nagomi Nava, "heavily exfoliating".

Gloopy Crow, a cat-shaped entity made of black sludge with a cat skull for a face.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Goldenclaw

Goldenclaw is Randall Marijuana's cat. Goldenclaw is a crab that weighs about 7 pounds, and has a bright blue carapace. Goldenclaw has two claws, like a normal crab, except his left claw is a golden-yellow prosthetic. Goldenclaw was injured while being fished out of the ocean, which caught the attention of fisherwoman Janice Roblox, a fan of the Hellmouth Sunbeams. She rescued, naming him Robert, and gave him a long and happy life, including the addition of the golden-yellow prosthetic. As Janice aged, she was no longer able to provide for Robert. Randall had heard that a Sunbeams fan needed help taking care of her beloved pet, and offered to adopt the crab. When Randall visited Janice to pick up Robert, who Randall would be seeing for the first time, he saw Robert's prosthetic and shouted "He has a golden claw!" and promptly forgot Robert's original name. Goldenclaw has since lived happily among the cats of Randy's Cat Cáfe.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Gorilla Glue

Gorilla Glue is the name of Randall Marijuana's cat. Randall inherited Gorilla Glue from his grandfather Randolfus von Marijuana. Gorilla Glue does well around other cats and kittens but gets anxious around dogs, children, squirrels, and peanuts.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Grant Hayden

Grant Hayden is Randall Marijuana's cat. Like many cats, he enjoys to play with yarn using his long arms and five fingers on each hand. His body allows for him to reach the ever-stocked milk in the fridge. After reaching the milk and pouring a glass, he usually performs his signature move of drinking the entire glass down in one gulp.

Grant occasionally wanders off, leaving the Cat Cáfe for a relatively short amount of time. Townspeople have reported finding him with a small collection of other cats near a sign reading Furry Heights. Grant has been seen wearing a seemingly endless supply of unique Furry Heights shirts. It's uncertain what the cats do around the signpost without townsfolk around.

Despite seemingly not wanting to be disturbed, if attempted to be contacted by any means, Grant will show up within minutes.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Gumball

Gumball is a frog that Randall Marijuana believes is a hypoallergenic kitten. Gumball is capable of catching flies, solving crimes, and has a dual degree in fly studies and restaurant management from Lilypad University.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Holly

Holly is a large cat that was occasionally spotted around Hellmouth, at a frequency of about once a month, and spent most of her time in-city at the house of Randall Marijuana. Despite coming and going as she pleases, most consider them to be Randall Marijuana's cat, as she seemed to display as much of a fondness for Randall as a large feral cat could possibly show. Holly is an unknown, rather unusual species of cat, characterized by it's large size, broad snout, it's heavy and large teeth, and muscular body and neck. She was generally seen around Hellmouth for one or two days, spending most of her time chasing small local animals and playing video games with Randall. When Randy's neighbors were questioned about the appearance of the cat, one of them replied, "Yeah, it comes around every- I dunno, just a rough guess but maybe every 29.5 days? Sort of a weird looking cat, but not too unfriendly, so we don't mind. Worse things happen around the Hellmouth, you know?" Another resident added, "I think he named her after one of his teammates- Alayna? 'Cause the cat generally shows up around when she takes one of her weird vacations. Weird that she can play Minecraft, though. The cat, I mean." [Note: the resident is most likely referring to then-Sunbeams lineup player Alaynabella Hollywood, a noted friend of Randall Marijuana.] No other Hellmouth residents gave comment as to the nature of Randall's cat, aside from one frantic man who approached the questioner and said only, "That's not a cat." The man was not seen again around the Hellmouth after the Incident.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Hype Train

Not to be confused with the Expansion-Era League Modification Hype Train.
Hype Train, two weeks old and already experiencing her first existential crisis.

Alas, poor Hype Train! a feline
of expression so infinitely bereft, of most unfathomable woe: she hath
flopped 'pon on her peets a handful of times; and now, how
abhorred in her imagination it is! her gorge rims at
it. There sits those 'bix that she has nibbled I know
not how oft.

Hype Train is a teeny-tiny tabby. She arrived one sunny Siesta day in the Cáfe with her siblings Elsewhere, Vibes, Polarity, Immateria and Grind Rail. She is fondly referred to as "Hellmouth's most mournful little kitten", possessing a seemingly unfathomable world-weariness. Due to her (alleged) fondness for being soliloquized at, Hype Train is a personal favorite of notable thespian Dunlap Figueroa.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Kremit

Kremit is a medium-sized green cat with no ears. Kremit appears to have some type of fur, but it feels more like felt than fur. Kremit has been seen flailing wildly and talking to other animals, such as pigs, dogs, and bears. At times, Kremit appears to be high on marijuana. Alaynabella Hollywood reportedly told Randy, "That's a puppet!" in regards to Kremit, but Randy figured it's just weird.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Lightning

Lightning is an orange tabby adopted by Randall Marijuana as a kitten. Now a full grown cat Lightning is prone to wandering off for long periods of time, but always returns to Randall's side eventually, even if he's playing an away game. No one's really sure how that keeps happening.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Lil Migs

Lil Migs is Randall Marijuana's cat, and is cat-shaped fireball with an average surface temperature of 577.8 degrees Kelvin. She was named by and for Randy's teammate, Hellmouth Sunbeams pitcher Miguel James. Lil Migs is usually found snoozing inside fireplaces, both lit and unlit.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Mouse

Mouse is Randall Marijuana's Cat. Mouse is a sentient cluster of approximately two hundred house mice that together form a mass the size and shape of a large male cat. The individual mice stay together by holding hands, seem to act as one entity, and show no visible distress or discomfort at their situation. Mouse has been observed shedding mice, in acts of particular agility, and later replenishing himself by having new mice join his mass. He particularly enjoys spending his free time playing with yarn balls. Mouse is vegetarian, and prefers to consume fruit and seeds. Curiously, the cats of the Randall Marijuana Memorial Cat Café have easily accepted Mouse as one of their own.

Hendricks Richardson has on one occasion theorized that Mouse is not a supernatural entity , but a natural act of behavioral evolution that serves as a survival mechanism for the house mice to prevail in an environment as rich in cats as the Hellmouth.

Anecdotally, Mouse was named after a famous fictional dog.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Mr. Mlistoffelees

Mr. Mlistoffelees, who appeared in Randall's apartment in Breckenridge after he was traded to the Jazz Hands, is a small, quiet, extremely clever cat, black from his ears to the tip of his tail. He can pick any card from a pack and is equally cunning with dice, and is always deceiving Randall into believing that he's only hunting for mice. Mr. Mlistoffelees often remains vague and aloof, but he has sometimes been heard on the roof while he was curled up by the fire. Randall considered this incontestable proof of his singular magical powers, and often told visitors that they have "never known a cat so clever as magical Mr. Mlistoffelees".

Other visitors to Randall's apartment describe Mr. Mlistoffelees as a actor from a production of the musical Clats staged at The Pocket, wearing a detailed cat costume and makeup.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Pepperjack Cheez-its

Pepperjack Cheez-its will be a friendly orange tabby born a few miles north of the Hellmouth, and will be (and is) the cat of Randall Marijuana. In the timeline we currently exist in, Pepperjack Cheez-its has not yet been born, but due to occasional side effects of their Precognition abilities, Randall Marijuana periodically believed they already owned Pepperjack Cheez-its. Pepperjack Cheez-its will be born to his mother, Dutchess, and his father, The Noble Cheeseball, in a small two bedroom apartment owned by a struggling painter. The painter, not expecting the sudden addition of a litter of cats to his family, will give the cats out to various interested parties, including a small girl named Wesley. Wesley will take Pepperjack Cheez-its with her on her family trip to the Hellmouth, from which they never return. During this time, Pepperjack Cheez-its will escape Wesley's new house and be drawn to the smell of freshly baked herbal brownies coming from Randall Marijuana's home, at which point Randy will say, "Oh, there you are, Cheez-its, where you've been?" Randy will note with some confusion that Cheez-its seems smaller than he sometimes remembers, and then immediately forget. Curiously, despite being dubbed "Ronald" by his previous owners, a part of Pepperjack Cheez-its will instantly recognize his new (and true) name, and he will have no difficulties adjusting to his new life with Randall. Once at Randall's house, Cheez-its will enjoy chasing bits of string, prancing about the backyard, and stealing bits of Randall's food when he isn't looking.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Potsie Palaver

Potsie Palaver is Randall Marijuana's cat. She appears on sight to be a normal tortoiseshell cat, if a bit scrawny. Potsie currently has between 97 and 109 teeth, over three times what an adult cat usually possesses. These teeth are split in varying proportions at any given time between "in her mouth" and "in a stockpile under a battered orange armchair in the Randall Marijuana Memorial Cat Cafe." The originating species for these teeth vary widely; several do not correspond to any clearly identified local fauna. Where Potsie finds these teeth is unknown, though The Man Who Owns All the Teeth has been noted as looking a bit grumpy lately.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Randall

Randall is Randall Marijuana's Cat. Randall inherited Randall during a rather sunny and narcissistic Saturday. Randall has nearly 2 ears, fur of a color, and roughly 4 legs. His bed is said to be warm.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Ren Morin

Ren Morin is not Randall Marijuana's cat. Ren Morin is a n dimensional creature who occasionally visits the cat cafe as a large tiger, not dissimilar to the Hades Tigers's Ren Morin. Ren used to regularly visit the cafe during Tigerbeams games, but his visits have become more sporadic after Season 10. His favorite spot is napping near the coffee beans and with other tigers. After Day X, Ren is rarely seen when Emmett or Randy are around.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Riddle

Riddle is a cat that appears to be made entirely of the same material as Slour Platch Klids. Riddle is entirely mobile, has all the biological functions and needs of a regular cat, but is made of a chewy candy and covered in a sour dust. The color and flavor of Riddle is orange. One could describe Riddle's behavior as "sour, then sweet", but this is true of most cats.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Salamancer

Salamancer is a gelatinous cat with four toes on each foot, a delightful pink complexion, six feathery ears, and a more-than-passing resemblance to Hades Tigers batter Richmond Harrison. Unlike most cats, Salamancer enjoys baths. Their favourite food is mealworms.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Scratch Deleuze

Scratch Deleuze is a small possum who bares a great resemblance to Scratch Deleuze, the Blaseball player, who plays for the Ohio Worms. Despite sharing the same name, it is difficult to determine that they are the same possum as Scratch Deleuze is often spotted at the Cat Cáfe while Scratch Deleuze is playing a game. Sometimes, Deleuze can be seen eating spaghetti in the Cat Cáfe. This is a source of confusion for many people as the Cat Cáfe does not have that meal on the menu nor do they serve it. When Deleuze was swept Elsewhere... the Cat Cáfe suffered a loss in profits, although it cannot be determined if this was causal or a coincidence.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Scuttlebug

Scuttlebug, although inherently nervous by nature and willing to give little information about themselves due to a general distrust of others, hesitatingly admits to being the cat of Randall Marijuana. Scuttlebug previously manifested as a small black cat with large ears, but during a party Randall was hosting, Scuttlebug was so frightened by the appearance of Nagomi Nava that they retreated into their own shadow and never came back out. Scuttlebug now can only be seen as a cat shaped silhouette on the wall that looks and acts like a normal shadow, but is attached to nothing. Far from being put off by their new nature, Scuttlebug seems to be blossoming in their new environment, and has become a skilled hunter of the shadows of mice, much to the alarm and confusion of the mice's bodies. They frequently express concerns about earthquakes, tornadoes, wrecking balls, bulldozers, and any of the other many natural predators of a house. Scuttlebug has been comforted by assurances that none of these are natural occurances in the Hellmouth, but Scuttlebug is right to hold on to their fear, as nothing in the Hellmouth is anymore natural than Scuttlebug themselves.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Snugglewumps

Snugglewumps is probably a cat. Sure, they only have two legs, and seem to have two heads. And sure, they slither about like a snake. But they're furry. And have cat ears. And ... well, maybe this isn't a meow. It's a noise, certainly. And sometimes cats do have a meow that sounds like frogs having a heated philosophical debate.

It's probably fine. Snugglewumps is probably fine. Just pet Snugglewumps and have all your troubles vanish into nothing...

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Socks

Socks is a cat with more than a passing resemblance to Chicago Firefighters batter Socks Maybe. The fact that Socks Maybe's exact color and markings are a source of confusion may make it hard to tell if Socks-of-the-Cáfe is Socks-of-the-Chicago, but as Socks Maybe last we checked was perfectly normal color for a perfectly normal cat, and Socks-of-the-Cáfe was not, this would lead one to assume they are different cats.

Socks is most commonly spotted in Hellmouth and the Cat Cáfe in the hours that precede and follow a Firefighters away game at the Solarium.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Sutton Bishop

Sutton Bishop is a large white cat with a peculiar orange nose. It is known for its frequent and loud vocalizations, often described as "honky". Randall enthusiastically asserted he adopted Sutton from a local street cat rescue late during Season β5.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Tacocat

Tacocat is an occasional resident of Randy’s Cat Café, frequently showing up while the Tacos are in town for games but known to appear at other times. They have a tendency to ask for a door to be opened, only to then stand in the doorway in a simultaneous state of going out and coming in. Unwary visitors to the café have occasionally mistaken a sleeping Tacocat for a leftover taco, and are usually surprised by the dual glare of Tacocat for picking them up and disturbing their nap.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-The Vandall

The Vandall is Randall Marijuana's cat. Randall inherited The Vandall from his grandfather Randolfus von Marijuana. The Vandall is a sentient kitten that is immortal. The Vandall only needs to be fed once a year and has never been vaccinated. It is rumored that The Vandall has been passed down from Marijuana to Marijuana since the very beginnings of Marijuana.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Vincent the Unknowable

Vincent the Unknowable appears to be a large, colorful, two-dimensional tiger that prowls around the house of Randall Marijuana, and good-naturedly allows itself to be referred to as Randall Marijuana's cat. Randall Marijuana claims that Vincent appeared one day as he was watching tv, and leapt out of the screen as an advertisement for Hades Tigers branded Cereal was playing. When asked to confirm or deny the story, Vincent replied, "Well, if I told you, I wouldn't be very unknowable, would I? Now, now, don't look so cross. I'll let you believe whatever you like. I'm not a fan of the cereal, though. Didn't have very many marshmallows, it's no wonder why it was discontinued."

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-XAIIEOIAA

XAIIEOIAA is an impenetrable dark void into the XXXth dimension located in Randy's Cat Cáfe. The orb of anti-light emits strange pulses and vibrations, which led Randall Marijuana to the assumption that it was in fact a cat. Randy has been quoted on the void saying, "XAIIEOIAA has the loudest purrs I've ever heard!" Several scientist in the Hellmouth region recommend avoiding the dark hole at all costs.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-You

You are Randall Marijuana's cat. Randall was uncertain exactly what pedigree you are, but suspected you to be at least partly Ragdoll. You know exactly what you are, and what you are is 100% cat. You enjoyed living with Randall, and like to take long walks around the Hellmouth, feeling the hot sun on your fur and the fires of hell on your well-baked toe beans. Randall was uncertain of how long he had owned you for, or how he acquired you, but you are certain of everything.

Randall Marijuana's Cat/C-Zoomies

Zoomies is Randall Marijuana's Cat. Zoomies is a cluster of stellar radiation in the approximate shape of a yellow tabby. Randall found Zoomies in the Hellmouth Stadium parking lot one night, taking Zoomies home. Zoomies has lots of energy and is constantly accelerating at a rate of 2 m/s2. Zoomies is currently bouncing around the house at 3,628,800 meters per second. Zoomies is expected to reach the speed of light in 4.6 years.

Create New Cat

To create a new cat for Randy's Cat Cáfe, use the Page Creation tool to the right. New cat pages should be in the format "C-[cat name]", which will create a new subpage under Randy's Cat Cáfe for inclusion in the main page. Make sure to put the cats name as Subheading 1 to ensure that it will appear correctly on both this and the main page.

This page is a unique fork of Interdimensional Rumor Mill, and as such, uses a different naming scheme. Please contact an admin for assistance in creating unique forks for your needs, or visit Interdimensional Rumor Mill/Guide to read more about how to create Rumors on other player pages.