Randall Marijuana's Cat/Randy's Cat Cáfe
Taken from "Old Opossum's Guide of Finicky Felines" by S. L. Steams
Out of every cat (I've seen many, at that)
In the Hellmouth's Unusual Fauna
There's none more strange than Charlemange
Owned by Randall Marijuana
He's a regal sort, with his whiskers trimmed short
And his coat always freshly groomed
You could see your reflection, should it be his election
To let you look without being consumed
For if Charlemange smiles- he does once in a while-
His jaw opens unusually wide
And so many teeth will become unsheathed-
Like a vortex of daggers inside!
And you might feel a pull, like he's gripped your soul-
Pulling you further in
And you can scream and shout, but you'll never get out
Not once your harvesting begins
Now have no fear, for when Randy is near
Charlemange's just a normal cat
But if Randy's out fishin', and that mouth starts twitchin'
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN
So if you see Charlemange, and a look you exchange,
And you catch a sort of gleam in his eye,
You can admire from far, but stay right where you are-
Unless of course dear Randy's nearby!
Out of every feline (and there's many, you might find)
That stroll around Randy's house
Charlemange's the one that ended me, I'm done,
And he'll never ever let me out
And he'll never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever
Crunchy, Splotchy, Lumpy and Spikey are four kittens in a box that Randall Marijuana found one day riding home on his skateboard. As the box read "Free To A Good Home", he took them in. As soon as he entered his home, he found that the kittens were bound to the box. They only exist inside the box and with each other. Randall decided to attach the box to an autonomous robotic vacuum cleaner so they could move around.When Randall was asked about their names, he simply replied, "It's what they felt like when I pet them."
Gloopy Crow is approximately five liters of caustic sludge, bound to the skull of a cat. Gloopy Crow possesses a quantity of limbs generally in the region of "more than enough." Cat Café patrons are advised not to touch Gloopy Crow, as it does not like the attention and the effect of its sludgy substance is, according to Nagomi Nava, "heavily exfoliating".
Grant Hayden is Randall Marijuana's cat. Like many cats, he enjoys to play with yarn using his long arms and five fingers on each hand. His body allows for him to reach the ever-stocked milk in the fridge. After reaching the milk and pouring a glass, he usually performs his signature move of drinking the entire glass down in one gulp.
Grant occasionally wanders off, leaving the Cat Cáfe for a relatively short amount of time. Townspeople have reported finding him with a small collection of other cats near a sign reading Furry Heights. Grant has been seen wearing a seemingly endless supply of unique Furry Heights shirts. It's uncertain what the cats do around the signpost without townsfolk around.Despite seemingly not wanting to be disturbed, if attempted to be contacted by any means, Grant will show up within minutes.
Hype Train is a teeny-tiny tabby. She arrived one sunny Siesta day in the Cáfe with her siblings Elsewhere, Vibes, Polarity, Immateria and Grind Rail. She is fondly referred to as "Hellmouth's most mournful little kitten", possessing a seemingly unfathomable world-weariness. Due to her (alleged) fondness for being soliloquized at, Hype Train is a personal favorite of notable thespian Dunlap Figueroa.
Alas, poor Hype Train! a feline
of expression so infinitely bereft, of most unfathomable woe: she hath
flopped 'pon on her peets a handful of times; and now, how
abhorred in her imagination it is! her gorge rims at
it. There sits those 'bix that she has nibbled I know
not how oft.
Mouse is Randall Marijuana's Cat. Mouse is a sentient cluster of approximately two hundred house mice that together form a mass the size and shape of a large male cat. The individual mice stay together by holding hands, seem to act as one entity, and show no visible distress or discomfort at their situation. Mouse has been observed shedding mice, in acts of particular agility, and later replenishing himself by having new mice join his mass. He particularly enjoys spending his free time playing with yarn balls. Mouse is vegetarian, and prefers to consume fruit and seeds. Curiously, the cats of the Randall Marijuana Memorial Cat Café have easily accepted Mouse as one of their own.
Hendricks Richardson has on one occasion theorized that Mouse is not a supernatural entity , but a natural act of behavioral evolution that serves as a survival mechanism for the house mice to prevail in an environment as rich in cats as the Hellmouth.Anecdotally, Mouse was named after a famous fictional dog.
Mr. Mlistoffelees, who appeared in Randall's apartment in Breckenridge after he was traded to the Jazz Hands, is a small, quiet, extremely clever cat, black from his ears to the tip of his tail. He can pick any card from a pack and is equally cunning with dice, and is always deceiving Randall into believing that he's only hunting for mice. Mr. Mlistoffelees often remains vague and aloof, but he has sometimes been heard on the roof while he was curled up by the fire. Randall considered this incontestable proof of his singular magical powers, and often told visitors that they have "never known a cat so clever as magical Mr. Mlistoffelees".Other visitors to Randall's apartment describe Mr. Mlistoffelees as a actor from a production of the musical Clats staged at The Pocket, wearing a detailed cat costume and makeup.
Randall is Randall Marijuana's Cat. Randall inherited Randall during a rather sunny and narcissistic Saturday. Randall has nearly 2 ears, fur of a color, and roughly 4 legs. His bed is said to be warm.
Snugglewumps is probably a cat. Sure, they only have two legs, and seem to have two heads. And sure, they slither about like a snake. But they're furry. And have cat ears. And ... well, maybe this isn't a meow. It's a noise, certainly. And sometimes cats do have a meow that sounds like frogs having a heated philosophical debate.It's probably fine. Snugglewumps is probably fine. Just pet Snugglewumps and have all your troubles vanish into nothing...
Socks is a cat with more than a passing resemblance to Chicago Firefighters batter Socks Maybe. The fact that Socks Maybe's exact color and markings are a source of confusion may make it hard to tell if Socks-of-the-Cáfe is Socks-of-the-Chicago, but as Socks Maybe last we checked was Russian blue, and Socks-of-the-Cáfe was not, this would lead one to assume they are different cats.Socks is most commonly spotted in Hellmouth and the Cat Cáfe in the hours that precede and follow a Firefighters away game at the Solarium.
Vincent the Unknowable appears to be a large, colorful, two-dimensional tiger that prowls around the house of Randall Marijuana, and good-naturedly allows itself to be referred to as Randall Marijuana's cat. Randall Marijuana claims that Vincent appeared one day as he was watching tv, and leapt out of the screen as an advertisement for Hades Tigers branded Cereal was playing. When asked to confirm or deny the story, Vincent replied, "Well, if I told you, I wouldn't be very unknowable, would I? Now, now, don't look so cross. I'll let you believe whatever you like. I'm not a fan of the cereal, though. Didn't have very many marshmallows, it's no wonder why it was discontinued."
Randall Marijuana's Cat. Zoomies is a cluster of stellar radiation in the approximate shape of a yellow tabby. Randall found Zoomies in the Hellmouth Stadium parking lot one night, taking Zoomies home. Zoomies has lots of energy and is constantly accelerating at a rate of 2 m/s2. Zoomies is currently bouncing around the house at 3,628,800 meters per second. Zoomies is expected to reach the speed of light in 4.6 years.
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