Press (Worldwide Field)
COMMUNITY REPORTSThe remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
The Press, also known as the Press Corps, the Presses[1], the Media[2], the Mess[3], or the Green Screen[4], is a colony of approximately 62 green iguanas (Iguana iguana), five black spiny-tailed iguanas (Ctenosaura similes) and two Mexican spiny-tailed iguanas (Ctenosaura pectinata) that primarily live at Worldwide Field in Miami.
Behavior
While the Press mainly congregates and sleeps in the Press Box (also known as the Mess Hall, the Terrarium, the Reptile Room, or the Iguana Sauna), members frequently venture into public walkways, restrooms, parking lots, and even the field itself. While typically docile and even friendly, the Press has put out numerous public statements advising visitors to watch out for tails while walking. The Press is herbivorous[5] and mainly eat the invasive air potato vines that grow in and around Worldwide Field. This diet is supplemented with other foods including mangoes grown by Dale players Beck Whitney and Wyatt Owens, widgeon grass cultivated by Randy Dennis, and NEW!! VEGAN!! SparkleYum™ Edible Glitter from the Worldwide Field concession stand.
The Press is known to be quite sensitive to the weather. In the winter, when temperatures can plummet to a glacial 50 degrees or lower, Worldwide Field places trampolines in designated Press Drop Zones due to their tendency to fall from various arboreal and architectural perches when their body temperature falls.
On a typical sunny day, members of the Press enjoy hanging from the fireproof netting of the PyroDome. Before scheduled burns, a series of warning sounds is played to give the Press time to evacuate. Until XX14, the sound was a recording of a great horned owl’s hunting call. However, this was deemed both too threatening to the Press and unnecessarily confusing, as it led to many of them answering with their names instead of evacuating. The new sound is an oriole’s song autotuned to the melody of Cascada’s XX09 hit “Evacuate the Dancefloor.” A member of the Press, who wished to remain anonymous, described the new notification as “deeply unpleasant but not terrifying.”
Credentials
In order to receive their credentials, aspiring members of the Press undergo an extensive application system including reference checks with previous agencies and publications, interviews with Worldwide Field staff, an essay section, and ID verification (AARP cards accepted). Once complete, the individual will receive a Worldwide Field press badge. In addition to the typical benefits of a press badge, such as use of the Press Box, priority seating at Press Conference Parties, and login information for the Official Dale Blogsplot, press badges also entitle the holder to rent controlled housing at Worldwide Field.
Press Badges became almost impossible to get as of 20XX, when the last badge was issued to photographer Marta Kirby. When asked why their application standards suddenly increased, spokesperson Lake Benson, 19, of the Press Office replied that they had given out a “nice” number of badges and didn’t plan to give any more. The spokesperson then giggled, and when pressed for further comment, replied “Get it? Nice.” An OUT OF ORDER sign was visible on the lamination machine in the Press Office, although it appeared to have been defaced to say “FART OF ORDER” and in a different color pen, “nice.”
Notable Members of The Press
- Flagler and Tuttles: Flagler and Tuttles are two elderly green iguanas known for their incisive comedy, particularly their trademark back-and-forth style of heckling of Dale players. In a typical exchange, Tuttles sets up the joke with a seemingly innocuous question or comment, and Flagler answers them with a jab at a player(s) and/or the team. Examples:
- Tuttles: Alternate Jasmine sure is bundled up!
- Flager: They gotta. It's gonna be 65 tomorrow!
- Both: JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
- Tuttles: WHAT? Are we terrible?
- Flagler: Probably. If anyone’s the expert on terrible, it's the Dale!
- Both: JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
- Tuttles: I heard The Dale are waiting to ascend in Season 305...
- Flagler: Well iguanas can live up to 20 years, so let’s hope the Peanut gets us first!
- Both: JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
- Tuttles: Rise? You mean I gotta get out of bed for this??
- Flagler: Only if you're a dead idol, and we both know you're only old enough to be the first
- Both: JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
- Tuttles: The Crabs are back to defend the Commissioner?
- Flagler: Too bad they couldn’t defend themselves in the Big Leagues!
- Both: JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
- Reginald “Reggie the Veggie” Padalecki is the only uncredentialed member of the Press. While something of a troublemaker, Reggie is beloved for starting the “planking” trend in XX11 by performing his signature move (lying down with his legs stuck out to each side) on home plate during the First and Last Annual Toyotathonbowl™. At the height of his fame, Reggie starred in a series of PSAs aimed at getting children to eat more fruits and vegetables. In the twenty-second clips, of which 17 were filmed but only 3 were deemed “suitable for children,” Reggie appears to be asleep with his face in a pile of peeled, half-eaten mangoes while a voiceover lists fruits alphabetically.
- Miami Gerald: Gerald Gonzalez was among the first to receive press credentials to cover the Miami Dale. He remains the only human, and only non-herbivore, to have received the honor.
[1] Typically as part of the phrase “stop the Presses!”
[2] This is a synonym for “press.”
[3] A group of iguanas is, perhaps judgmentally, called a “mess.”
[4] The etymology of this phrase is contested. Some argue that it has to do with the opaque canopy of green formed when a large group of the Press nest in the eaves of Worldwide Field. Others purport that the name is due to the Press’s long history of fastidiousness and discernment when it comes to journalistic quality and integrity.
[5] Miami Gerald is not an herbivore; he is on record saying his favorite food is boliche.
