The Philadelphia Philling ("the Philly Philling" or “Phil. E. Philling”) is the mascot for the Philly Pies as of Season Two. It has been described in many ways: “Chaotic Neutral on a good day”, “Smelling Mysteriously like Berries”, “Reminiscent of the old country”, “ A jawn of infinite jest” and “Please stay out of my house”.
The Philling itself resembles a pie and pie tin on a human torso and legs, The Philling has no arms, and two googly eyes that hover just slightly infront of the pie tin itself. Though limited are its features, it has many ways to express itself. The Philling loves to wink, blink, and stare, and is capable of doing so no matter where you are in relation to it. There is no known way to escape The Phililng’s gaze, for as we all know, walls mean nothing to The Philling. Concrete information on The Philling is difficult to nail down. The Philling only shows up in pictures if it desires to, and all attempts to measure, define, or categorize the Philling fail in entertaining, pie-related ways. The Philling makes no attempts to hide its state of being, it simply exists in an inexorably disruptive state.
The Phililng has many abilities:
- it communicates entirely through thought projection due to its lack of mouth and usually has a pretty good idea of what you are thinking.
- It has excellent hearing despite lacking ears.
- the Philling is able to translocate it and other things throughout the oven and the tastycake parking lot.
- Has a jingle that plays faintly whenever it is near.
- the Philling is adept at arson.
- Is always piping hot
- Knows where you live
- Is good at street magic
- the Philling knows 5000 ways to kill a man
- Balloon animals
- AND MORE!
History And (Lack Of) Employment
Before the beginning of Season Two, a shadowy figure was seen outside of Tastycake Stadium. When gameplay began, the figure was revealed to be the Phililng, who immediately became the Pies’ mascot for that and all further seasons. The Philadelphia Philling is not employed by the Philly Pies, nor has it ever expressed the desire for employment. Further, all attempts to take on a mascot that is not The Philling, employed or otherwise, have failed under mysterious, and sometimes violent circumstances.
The Philadelphia Philling fulfills all of the normal duties that baseball a mascot is required to, and many duties that it has been asked not to fulfill. The Philling does not travel with the Philly Pies team to away games, as The Philling simply exists wherever the Pies play, whether they want it to or not. The Philling provides its own gear in its capacity as the Pies’ mascot. Due to the significant risk associated with hiring a mascot of their own, and the significant expenses that are avoided by having a free mascot in the form of The Philling, Pies’ staff have accepted the current state of affairs.
Despite not being employed by the Pies, The Philling does have a resume. The contents of the resume itself are mutable, however all forms that the resume takes are written under the name “Phil. E. Philling”. Any attempts to find records of The Phillings employment at any other establishment have not been successful
Engagement as the Pies’ Mascot
The Philadelphia Philling engages in all of the normal jobs that a mascot should, and many abnormal ones. The Philling is responsible for bringing on new fans for the Pies, and driving engagement before games and between innings. The Philling has a theme song that constantly plays while it is around, the volume of which is amplified when it is performing. Its entertainment takes many forms, but the most common is a dance that is most commonly described as “frantic and distressed”. The Philadelphia Philling is also responsible for ballpark security, and removing trespassers from the premises.
There are a few traditions among Pies fans related to the Philling, some fans like to dress up as the Philing, which is a dangerous course of action (As all Philly traditions are) because of how hard it makes it to find the true Philling. Others have created a game out of attempting to taste the Philling’s Philling. When asked about the flavor of the Philling, one staff member replied: “You don’t want to know."
The Philling is also responsible for renovation upkeep, which includes cleaning of the Secret Base, ensuring The Oven is well stocked with Sweetener, and refilling the Big Buckets with Wooder Ice. The Grind rail is specifically not maintained by The Philling, as it is property of the Jessica Telephone Memorial Skatepark. Beyond the maintenance and security of the ballpark, and normal mascot duties The Philling has many other roles and activities in its relation to the pies. The Philling spends much of its time prancing through the piebrary, as well as performing standard librarian duties. The Philling also acts as a liaison to other ILB teams, often paying unannounced visits to their player’s living rooms. The Philling encourages the Pies broadcast team by standing alongside them in the booth while they provide commentary. The Philling is an avid supporter of restorative justice, and helps teach it when the stadium is not in use for games.
Most importantly, all Pies fans love the Philing, as there is no other choice. The Philling does in fact have a fanclub for especially dedicated fans. It is unclear as to who started this fanclub as there is no formal registration process or staff, all you need to do to join is accept The Philling into your heart.
While not acting as Mascot for the Pies or wandering menacingly in its duties throughout The Oven, The Philling can be found engaging in numerous joblike activities. None of the occupations The Philling engages in have any sort of official employment record associated with them. Attempts have been made to find a W-2 form for the philling, none have been successful. A handful of examples of jobs that The Philling has participated in are listed below.
- Works birthday parties for small children, The Philling is absolutely great with kids. There are rumors that this is actually a secret operation for recruiting new Pies players.
- The Philling is a certified EMT
- The Philling collects signatures during and after blaseball games! Nobody knows why!
- It does saxophone lessons, the only charge is becoming a dedicated Pies fan!
- It can be found around Philly sign spinning for numerous businesses, only some of which actually exist.
- The Philling has been seen canvassing, but never during an election cycle, what The Philling is politically supporting is unclear
- Provides cooking lessons, only teaches you how to make pie.
- Self-publishes romance stories at least once a year, though what The Philling regards as love is unclear
- There are rumors that The Philling has once moonlighted as a professional killer
- Experienced in real estate work
The Philling also hosts dance contents with willing fans before and after Pies games. All dance contest losses come with a cost, and the prize is The Philling’s admiration. Common songs for contests include:
- YMCA by The Village People (with fans singing Pie, M, C, A)
- American Pie by Don McLean
- Cherry Pie by Warrant
- Hot 'N' Nasty by Humble Pie
- B.Y.O.B. by System of a Down
- Fergalicious by Fergie
Life in the Underhot
For as long as The Oven has existed, and perhaps longer, The Philling has resided in the underground labyrinthine matrix of tunnels, hallways, rooms, chasms, and office spaces known as the Underhot. The Philling and its powers have been posited to be greater while it exists within the Underhot. The Philling loves to help people in the underhot find their way home (though few people respond well to The Philling running after them), and also enjoys giving said patrons souvenirs. The Philling runs a secret concessessions stand somewhere within the Underhot named “Phil. E. Philling’s Phood Phills U Up”.
Up until Season 15, The Philling was the sole being that lived within the Underhot. When Usurper Violet joined the Philly pies during the elections after Season 15, xe at first thought that The Philling was a malevolent entity haunting the Pies, and potentially the rest of Philadelphia. After it was revealed that The Philling was merely irreverent to the concept of life and death, and not actively participating in necromancy; the conflict between the two ended. Due to Violet living in the Underhot, The Philling now technically has a roommate. There is little information about what else The Philling does in the Underhot on its own time. One thing that is known, is that it has a tendency to hide necessary items to make living with it “more exciting”
The Philling loves to interact with Pies players, some of things it does on a regular basis are listed here:
- Chased by Beasley Day on a regular basis
- Provides music for Jaxon Buckley’s extremely long poetry sessions
- Plays TTlopsball with Tiana Takahashi, is undefeated
- Acts as a stage prop for Lang Richardson’s showtunes experiments
- Causes many computer troubles for Yusef Puddles
- Roommates with Usurper Violet
- Bane of Elvis Figueroa
- Makes sure Eduardo Woodman always has a bat to whittle
- Interferes with Huber and Frumple’s daily business
- Is the one thing Ruslan Greatness fears
- Does reps with Henry Marshallow
- Science experiments for Peanut Holloway
While little is known about the true nature of the Philling, it is a very common subject of not just flans, but staff and players as well. Attempts to confirm nearly any of these rumors have ended in failure, the exact means of which often becomes rumors themselves. A non-exhaustive list of philling related rumors is collected below.
- The Houston Spies have made several attempts to steal the recipe for the Philling, but thankfully for the spies they have never found out.
- Some seniors from Washington D.C attempted the Philly Cheesesteak Challenge a while ago. They weren't able to complete it due to an after hours encounter with the Philadelphia Philling.
- The Philling's appearance may be related to the sacrifice of a pies fan back in season 2
- The Philling likes anime
- After a game all the good little players get a slice of pie in their lockers. All the bad players get the Philling staring at them, menacingly, in the dark of night.
- Pies front office pays a salary to a Mascot Performer by the name of Andreas Fiorinno. Nobody remembers hiring anyone by this name and the checks go uncashed.
- Birthday Parties featuring the Philling are some of the best in the city. You can not hire the Philling for your birthday party.
- The Philling's favorite bird is the common swallow.
- If you were to eat the Philling's filling, you would gain knowledge of all that is contained within the hypocrust.
- The Philling has an interest in Carmelo Plums. It seems exicted when the Pies are about to play a series against Plum's current team and will spend a large portion of the game performing inscrutable dances near the opposing team's dugout.
- Above all else the Philling is a mascot, and all it does serves the purpose of being one.
|Stats||Season||1 · 2 · 3 · 4|
|Staff||Sam Hinkie · The City of Philadelphia · The Philadelphia Philling|
|Places||Jessica Telephone Memorial Skatepark|
|History||Philly Pies' History · Philladeltrix: The Marquis of Pain · My Roomie Ruslan · Philly Pie· Philly Cakes|
|Fan Culture 📣 · Fan Works 💌 · Tlopps Cards 🃏|
|Pie or Die.|