Goobie Ballson/Rumor Registry
Rumors
Goobie Ballson has 2 Rumors written about so far.
Goobie Ballson/IF-1667
The waters beyond this point are uncharted, tales from distant shores echoed back into our reality.
Background
The following information was uncovered, documented, and annotated by Lance Serotonin, researcher at The Atlantean Facility for Interdimensional Studies and Hypotheses, as part of an ongoing research project into the history of the Tokyo Adrift.
With the Tokyo Adrift
Goobie Ballson appears in tales of the Tokyo Adrift as a large sentient bubble in the sea of Immateria. Unable to break the surface but desperate for conversation and companionship, the buoyant Ballson was drawn to the wreck-divers of the Adrift. Their warm personality and oxygen-rich interior soon made them an important part of the operation.
In the years before breathing apparatus, Ballson offered access to greater depths than simple free-diving would allow. The most sustained discussion of Ballson is in connection with acting captain Lance Serotonin and his plan to retrieve an unnamed artefact long presumed beyond salvagers’ reach. The outcome of his attempt is not known and no later mention of him has been found in any extant manuscript, nor has he been seen by A.F.I.S.H. researchers.
Controversy
While Ballson’s depiction is persuasively consistent from text to text - a self-sustaining, mobile air pocket with a goofy grin and a lingering scent of berries - there is still some debate over their true nature. A minority of historians[who?] maintain that “Goobie Ballson” is merely a playful reference to a diving bell, and that the ascription of character traits to this object was a ship-wide running joke. Even if the so-called Bellists were correct, the device could not have been wholly reliable. The name appears in the logs of several other vessels, often just before some calamity costs them one or more shipmates.
The diving-bell theory has dwindling support. Complete consensus in contemporary sources is rare, yet we have more than a dozen independent descriptions of Goobie being an awesome friend, inventing board shorts and playing ska-hornpipe hits on the hurdy-gurdy. Ballson’s time with the Adrift does not seem to correlate with any timeframe yet observed in A.F.I.S.H, so definitive conclusions one way or the other are impossible.Goobie Ballson/IF-94.808
Biography
Ballson is a formless and many-fold being, and every view of Ballson is true and correct. They're a good friend, they're not entirely Newtonian, and they're just happy to be here.
Everyone who sees him knows instinctively that Ballson was always their friend, and he appears to unobservant bystanders as a vaguely-familiar but friendly former acquaintance or colleague. Ballson also appears as a bear, or occasionally as a gooey humanoid. Ballson likes everyone, and everyone likes Ballson.
Like all of us, Ballson is from Chicago. Ballson's player number is 647.
Consistent Aura
Goobie Ballson is the most punk rock, ska punk, ready to go lookin dude you can imagine, and a fashion icon for the Firefighters as well as Chicago as a whole. They are often found in jorts, board shorts, or cargo shorts, as well as unbuttoned floral shirts or blaseball jerseys. His signature game-day outfit consists of some combination of these, as well as his iconic "Blall is Life" cap.
Identifiable across forms is Ballson's WAFC tattoo. It is also important to note Ballson's emotional and cosmic connection to ska, which manifests in the majority of observed Ballsons. If ska was physical, it would be Goobie Ballson. He looks like how the song "Stupid" by Just Friends sounds.
An anonymous friend of the team, when asked to describe Ballson, referred to "his vibes" as "When you roll into a party that Goobie is at, he will greet you on sight. He gives you one of those huge hugs that make you feel like the most important person in the world. If he sees you in trouble or suffering, he'll make sure to edge out space for you and make sure you're good. He will outdrink you but won't push you. The maximum party frat dude with none of the toxicity."
History
One rumored origin of Ballson involves an accident at Flermilab in 1987 involving an unstable particle and Crown Malort resulted in the destruction of a lab attendant's mortal vessel. The only thing that remained was pure unfiltered Firefighters energy. This energy is known as Goobie Ballson. Ballson is theorized to be able to reform his atoms into any shape he pleases, and this is the prevailing explanation for his lack of attachment to a permanent body.
Other witnesses say that Ballson went to University of Chicago and got a degree in communications before becoming a blaseball player. They watched the games every day, and when José Haley was incinerated, they immediately ran down to join the game.
In Chicago, Where We Are From
Ballson initially arrived at The Fire House with a 99 rack of PBR and a tattoo gun, removed from his body in a way not yet fully understood. After it was made clear that he would refuse any kind of payment, Ballson became a welcome party guest and valued teammate. During the Firefighters' occasional parties, Ballson is always the last to bed and cleans up the bottles and cans left out. After his welcome party, each Firefighters player gave him a unique tat. Before joining the Firefighters, he already had a chest tattoo that reads "live young blall hard die fast."
During the matches of Blaseball, Ballson can be seen with various pieces of firefighting and Blaseball gear floating within his gelatinous mass. He always seems to have whatever he needs handy inside the goop, and can be relied to provide missing objects or relevant tools with minimal intrapersonal rummaging.
As a part of his contract with the Chicago Firefighters, Ballson is legally required to gobble up all ground balls hit his way.
Getting Moist
After a long, storied, and friendly career with the Firefighters, Ballson left the team to go to the Canada Moist Talkers. As a semi-fluid guy, he had dreamed of being somewhere more moist, and was happy to be in Halifax. The Firefighters threw Ballson a ska-themed goodbye party and gave him official Firefighters board shorts as a goodbye gift. Ballson stayed in close touch with their old team and visited frequently during the offseason.Ballson was a welcome presence on the Moist Talkers. He developed a fast friendship with Amos Melon, who was similarly upbeat and excited to make new friends on the pitching rotation. While Ballson would never claim to have favorite friends, he and Melon spent plenty of time together. The two of them were key to the social life on the Talkers and got along with everyone. Or, really, almost everyone.
From Tokyo to Atlantis
Ballson was later exchanged to the Tokyo Lift, after a goodbye party that resulted in official Moist Talkers board shorts. He was thrilled at the opportunities presented to him in Tokyo. They made plans with new teammate Kline Greenlemon to make new sauces for Beef Wings and maybe, possibly, potentially even develop them into something marketable to the general public.It’s unclear how and why Ballson was exchanged to the Atlantis Georgias, although some suspect that the Beef Wings Corp either facilitated the feedback or that Ballson was attempting to flee from them. Regardless, after only a matter of days with the Lift, Ballson joined the Georgias and was relieved to once again be somewhere a little wetter. The Lift sent him official Lift board shorts upon his arrival in Atlantis; reports suggest that the shorts were a bit of a rush job, but Ballson still wears them all the time.
Trivia
- Ballson constitutes a one-man ska band.
- Tonguewitness accounts report that his slime tastes like blue raspberry.
- Ballson's favorite food is Nacho Cheese.
- Like any Firefighter, Ballson's feelings towards fire are complex. He has a mild fascination with arson that has proved harmless (so far).
- Goobie Ballson knows a guy.
Create New Rumor
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