Goobie Ballson was a lineup player for the LA Unlimited Tacos and was with the team from the Season β21 elections until being incinerated on Season β22, Day 9. Ballson had previously played for the Chicago Firefighters, Canada Moist Talkers, Tokyo Lift, and Atlantis Georgias.
Official League Records
On Season β20, Day 11, Ballson was exchanged to the Atlantis Georgias due to Feedback. Ballson was replaced by Jan Canberra. On Day 79, Ballson retreated to the Georgias' Shadows in exchange for Ankle Halifax as a result of the Atlantean Dome's Fax Machine. On Day 80, Ballson rejoined the Georgias' active roster in exchange for Dickerson Morse via the Fax Machine. On Day 86, Ballson once again retreated to the shadows in exchange for Nanci Grackle due to the Fax Machine.
On Season β21, Day 31, Ballson rejoined the Georgias' pitching rotation in exchange for Jan Canberra via The Atlantean Dome's Fax Machine. On Day 79, Ballson retreated to the Georgias' Shadows in exchange for Jan Canberra once again via the Fax Machine. On Day 80, Ballson once again rejoined the rotation in exchange for Ortiz Lopez via the Fax Machine. Ballson was traded to the LA Unlimited Tacos in exchange for Fish Summer during the Season β21 elections via the Georgias' Equivalent Exchange will, becoming a lineup player in the process.
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
Box of Goobie Ballson Files
- Dust billows as the file box lands on the table. While many archives in the Interdimensional Rumor Mill are unified in some way, this... definitely isn’t one of them. The accompanying Rumor Registry explains all of the contents... wherever it is... but for now you grab the folder labelled IF-94.808 and start reading...
Ballson is a formless and many-fold being, and every view of Ballson is true and correct. They're a good friend, they're not entirely Newtonian, and they're just happy to be here.
Everyone who sees him knows instinctively that Ballson was always their friend, and he appears to unobservant bystanders as a vaguely-familiar but friendly former acquaintance or colleague. Ballson also appears as a bear, or occasionally as a gooey humanoid. Ballson likes everyone, and everyone likes Ballson.
Like all of us, Ballson is from Chicago. Ballson's player number is 647.
Goobie Ballson is the most punk rock, ska punk, ready to go lookin dude you can imagine, and a fashion icon for the Firefighters as well as Chicago as a whole. They are often found in jorts, board shorts, or cargo shorts, as well as unbuttoned floral shirts or blaseball jerseys. His signature game-day outfit consists of some combination of these, as well as his iconic "Blall is Life" cap.
Identifiable across forms is Ballson's WAFC tattoo. It is also important to note Ballson's emotional and cosmic connection to ska, which manifests in the majority of observed Ballsons. If ska was physical, it would be Goobie Ballson. He looks like how the song "Stupid" by Just Friends sounds.
An anonymous friend of the team, when asked to describe Ballson, referred to "his vibes" as "When you roll into a party that Goobie is at, he will greet you on sight. He gives you one of those huge hugs that make you feel like the most important person in the world. If he sees you in trouble or suffering, he'll make sure to edge out space for you and make sure you're good. He will outdrink you but won't push you. The maximum party frat dude with none of the toxicity."
One rumored origin of Ballson involves an accident at Flermilab in 1987 involving an unstable particle and Crown Malort resulted in the destruction of a lab attendant's mortal vessel. The only thing that remained was pure unfiltered Firefighters energy. This energy is known as Goobie Ballson. Ballson is theorized to be able to reform his atoms into any shape he pleases, and this is the prevailing explanation for his lack of attachment to a permanent body.
Other witnesses say that Ballson went to University of Chicago and got a degree in communications before becoming a blaseball player. They watched the games every day, and when José Haley was incinerated, they immediately ran down to join the game.
In Chicago, Where We Are From
Ballson initially arrived at The Fire House with a 99 rack of PBR and a tattoo gun, removed from his body in a way not yet fully understood. After it was made clear that he would refuse any kind of payment, Ballson became a welcome party guest and valued teammate. During the Firefighters' occasional parties, Ballson is always the last to bed and cleans up the bottles and cans left out. After his welcome party, each Firefighters player gave him a unique tat. Before joining the Firefighters, he already had a chest tattoo that reads "live young blall hard die fast."
During the matches of Blaseball, Ballson can be seen with various pieces of firefighting and Blaseball gear floating within his gelatinous mass. He always seems to have whatever he needs handy inside the goop, and can be relied to provide missing objects or relevant tools with minimal intrapersonal rummaging.
As a part of his contract with the Chicago Firefighters, Ballson is legally required to gobble up all ground balls hit his way.
After a long, storied, and friendly career with the Firefighters, Ballson left the team to go to the Canada Moist Talkers. As a semi-fluid guy, he had dreamed of being somewhere more moist, and was happy to be in Halifax. The Firefighters threw Ballson a ska-themed goodbye party and gave him official Firefighters board shorts as a goodbye gift. Ballson stayed in close touch with their old team and visited frequently during the offseason.
Ballson was a welcome presence on the Moist Talkers. He developed a fast friendship with Amos Melon, who was similarly upbeat and excited to make new friends on the pitching rotation. While Ballson would never claim to have favorite friends, he and Melon spent plenty of time together. The two of them were key to the social life on the Talkers and got along with everyone. Or, really, almost everyone.
From Tokyo to Atlantis
Ballson was later exchanged to the Tokyo Lift, after a goodbye party that resulted in official Moist Talkers board shorts. He was thrilled at the opportunities presented to him in Tokyo. They made plans with new teammate Kline Greenlemon to make new sauces for Beef Wings and maybe, possibly, potentially even develop them into something marketable to the general public.
It’s unclear how and why Ballson was exchanged to the Atlantis Georgias, although some suspect that the Beef Wings Corp either facilitated the feedback or that Ballson was attempting to flee from them. Regardless, after only a matter of days with the Lift, Ballson joined the Georgias and was relieved to once again be somewhere a little wetter. The Lift sent him official Lift board shorts upon his arrival in Atlantis; reports suggest that the shorts were a bit of a rush job, but Ballson still wears them all the time.
- Ballson constitutes a one-man ska band.
- Tonguewitness accounts report that his slime tastes like blue raspberry.
- Ballson's favorite food is Nacho Cheese.
- Like any Firefighter, Ballson's feelings towards fire are complex. He has a mild fascination with arson that has proved harmless (so far).
- Goobie Ballson knows a guy.
Goobie is a friend of all! by @_waalkr
Soft Goobie! by @_waalkr
Goobie visits local knitting circle by @_waalkr
Fresh out of the egg! Hi Goobie! by @_waalkr
Mini-Blaseballer by @HetreaSky
Goobie by @glassgoblin
Goobie by LaserMessiah on Discord and @necromngo and Twitter via Artbreeder
Goobie by Nic
Art by @saltbuzzard
Goobie by Eli
Three of Pentacles
Goobie promoting wildfire safety by Eli
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