Finn James/Rumor Registry

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Finn James has 4 Rumors written about so far.

Finn James/IF-1.2017

Conflicting Reports

Finn James’ origins are a highly disputed topic among both Crabs fans and local Baltimore citizens. This is not helped by James’ insistence on explaining their origins to anyone who asks, and always giving wildly different answers. When confronted on this topic they simply responded that “it’s all true, especially the parts that can’t be”.

With that in mind this is a collection of stories James has told about their origins at different times - You can either refresh the page to see a new one, or simply visit the collection to see them all

Early life

Finn James grew up wandering the rivers and lakes of South America until 1962, when she was captured by the United States military and brought to a secret government laboratory in Baltimore. A short time later, James escaped the laboratory with the help of several employees and fled to the waters of the Chesapeake Bay, where she lived for several decades before being compelled by The Olde One to join The Baltimore Crabs. (see: Combs Duende)

In Film

Finn James is close personal friends with renowned filmmaker Guillermo del Toro, whose 2017 Academy Award-winning biography The Shape of Water depicts James's early experiences in Baltimore.

Or that least that's how Finn tells it.

Career with the Crabs

Despite the many stories James tells of their origins, one thing quickly became obvious to the Baltimore Crabs - Finn James very much enjoyed the splort of blaseball. While it was well known that “Finn James wins games” their reputation never quite reached the intensity of their teammate Brock Forbes nor did their strategic prowess. James did however take the opportunity to set themselves up in what became known as the “pitchers apartment” shared by Forbes, Adalberto Tosser and occasionally Tillman Henderson. James was often said to have simply let themselves in one day and taken up residence in the spare bathroom, refusing to leave and driving up the water bill. James did however keep up with the Crab’s reputation - being among the only players to pitch a perfect game in the Discipline Era, and helping the Crabs arrive at ascension in Season 10.

After Ascension

In the time after ascension Finn James had cemented themselves as a core member of the Baltimore Crabs, and a part of this involved taking up a leadership role with the Crab’s varied pitchers, guiding practice and dolling out tips for their teammates, especially after the loss of the Crabs other original pitchers, Adalberto Tosser and Brock Forbes.

James’ teaching style was said to consist mostly of telling other players to throw “like this” which garnered a mixed reaction from their pupils. Parker Parra seemed to enjoying using these practices to throw pitches “so far away from the strike zone that it's in danger of beaning the on-deck batter”. Lorcan Smaht was able to follow along well until eir alternation, at which point ey joined teammate Axel Campbell in describing the practices as “basically useless”. Alston Cerveza however stood out as one of James’ fans, fondly recounting the story of going to James for advice before his debut game as a pitcher, and having James simply tell him how to pitch a perfect game; which he then proceeded to do. Neither Campbell or Smaht were available for comment after the event.

Despite Montgomery Bullock’s brief return to the team, they were content to let James keep their position as pitching coach as “they seemed like they were having a lot of fun with it”.

The Event Horizon

As the end of the era drew closer, James found themselves reaching out to the newer members of the team to help them deal with the stress of their impending transition into whatever was coming next. Being a veteran of ascension, it was something that they were both equipped to handle and eager to help with. While team captain Kennedy Loser was there to supply the quiet reassurance he could carry, James was able to lend a hand with more lighthearted antics and diversions. Lorcan Smaht in particular appreciated James’ willingness to let the big issues lie as they helped em through eir alternation, and the trade of eir sibling Trinity Smaht.

When the Blackhole (blackhole) came for the Crabs, James made sure they could greet it with no regrets.

Finn James/IF-4.216

Personal Life

Finn James was born and raised in Baltimore, MD, in Bolton Hill. She obtained a high school education with plans of college interrupted by her untimely drowning at the hands of the Olde One. She was deeply involved in her local community and was known for her work at local soup kitchens and food banks. A member of the Lemonstickratic Socialist Party, James’ arrest record was expunged upon what was assumed to be her death, but is suggested by her former associates to be “super long” as well as “totally awesome.”

In interviews, James has self-described as a femme lesbian. Though unmarried, she and partner Kennedy Loser, also a lesbian, have been living together since Season 4.

Career

Before the return of Internet League Blaseball, Finn James fought alongside most of the Baltimore Crabs’ Season 1 lineup in the battle against the Olde One, and drowned in the process, presumed dead by those who knew her. On Season 4 Day 63, James awoke beneath the waters of the Inner Harbor and came to the epiphany that her old friends needed her. When Combs Duende was incinerated, James was able to muster the strength to return to the surface. When asked how this was possible, James credits only “the Power of Love.”

James did not have any significant experience playing blaseball aside from pickup games as a young adult. Because of this, her Season 4 batting average was 0.185. To great celebration in Baltimore as a whole, James became a pitcher in Season 5. She proved to vastly overperform her stars with a career WHIP of 0.881.

Though often overwhelmed by large press events and sometimes derided by reporters as closed-off or cold, James has slotted easily into the Crabs’ known active social lives. She and teammate Forrest Best were notably once seen causing significant disturbance at the Towson Mall food court following the Crabs’ Season 9 championship loss. Damage reports from the incident cite James as saying it was “an accident, really” and that she was “very sorry about the vending machines, you know how Forrest gets.”

Physiology

Finn James was in stasis under the waters of Baltimore’s inner harbor for a questionable length of time, resulting in several physiological changes, including:

  • Sharp teeth that protrude slightly from her mouth
  • Pale blue-green skin
  • Gills on either side of the neck covered by some form of rudimentary operculum
  • Webbed fingers
  • An elongated facial spine with a photophore similar in behavior to that of an anglerfish
  • Ridged, pointed ears

These changes were under study by some Baltimore-local scientists prior to James’ ascension. It’s theorized that it could be a form of carcinization, perhaps as a form of defense against the persistent water pressure. James herself, when asked, rejects the idea that her transformation was related in any way to the Olde One, but has no alternate reasoning. No certain explanation has yet been found.

Return to the League

After Jame’s experiences in the Big Leagues with the rest of the Crabs, James stuck close to their teammates. As the season dragged on and the team began to experience a new set of hardships, James kept her spirits up and became an anchor for the team. After the haunting of Kennedy Loser she worked to keep the team’s spirits up - “moving in” with Adalberto Tosser after Brock Forbes was traded away to Boston, and making the new trades on the team feel welcome. None more so than Fish Summer who joined from the Moist Talkers, and was able to find a friend in James both as a a fellow enjoyer of eating strange things they found and being fond of challenging passers by to games of chicken in the Chesapeake bay that quickly devolved into the two of them chasing seagulls around when no one would challenge them. They also shared in quieter moments with James talking about her experiences with death and sacrifice in the Reckoning as Summer divulged their feelings about seeing York Silk’s incineration up close as a Fire Eater and being unable to prevent it.

Alleged Captaincy

After the departure of Adalberto Tosser to the Boston Flowers, James determined that she was now the most senior pitcher in the Crabs’ rotation, despite this not being the case (as Montgomery Bullock was still on the team at the time), and decided that it was her duty to act as new coach and pitching captain for the team. James’ coaching style has been described as “unorthodox” by some, and as “completely @#$% useless, absolute nonsense, I hate it here I hate this team” by others. According to Alston Cerveza, James’ prepared him for his first full game as a pitcher by giving him the advice; “just pitch a perfect game haha.” He did.

The Event Horizon

Despite her long blaseball career, the death of the Hawaii Fridays was the first incineration that James had ever witnessed in person. Despite knowing their slim odds due to their instability, James made sure they remained unharmed from the circling consumers while the Crabs played them in their final set of matches. James, much like the rest of the league, was deeply shaken by the team’s death, as well as her inability to defend Herring Winfield from consumers. After entering the shadows due to the Fax Machine, James took on a support role among the Crabs, drawing on her experience during the Uprising to help prepare them for the Horizon and the end of the era.

Finn James/IF-5.670

Origins

There came a time when, frustrated by the mediocre performance of their city's team and the snubbing of the gods, the High Council of Elders for the Greater Baltimore Metropolitan Area reached the unanimous conclusion that the success of the Baltimore Crabs could no longer be left up to the team's management alone.

Having recently come into the possession of ancient texts of power, the Arch-Carcinomancers of the Council uncovered an obscure ritual which promised to shape its subject into "the perfect blaseball player, imbued with powers beyond mortal limitations." The course of their salvation determined, all that was left for the Council was to find a subject (or victim) for their dark rite.

Finn James had, for nearly thirty straight years, attended tryouts for the Baltimore Crabs in hopes of making the team. Every year he would try his best, yet every year he was sent away in shame. An aging, hapless fool too useless to have even been carcinized, Finn was a familiar and friendly face to the team, but one they could never let step up to the plate.

Clearly past whatever mediocre prime he may have had but with clear drive, Finn made the perfect prospect for the Council's machinations. A simple offer was made, laying clear the entire transaction - should he consent and complete the ritual, he might finally join the ranks of the Crabs. The risks were presented bluntly and the immense requirements described in detail. Finn agreed outright, not caring to ask a single question before signing away his fate.

Creation

Preparation for the ritual itself was a gruelling, six-year ordeal under the vague and convoluted direction of the Carcinomancers. To become a suitable candidate, Finn laboured ceaselessly at his unknowable works until he attained the Seventh Scorn of Horace, the Mark of the Wizened, the Fifteen Chastisements of Ea-nasir, and an undergraduate degree in Comparative English Literature with an optional minor in Theatre. At long last, exhausted, beaten, and scarred beyond belief, he was finally ready.

Though the preparations were nearly impossible, the ritual itself was far more demanding than Finn could have imagined. Every inch of his flesh was tattooed with cuneiform in ink imperceptible to mortal eyes, his joints were bent and warped until they could turn every direction in four dimensions, and his very soul was carefully divided into nine equal parts.

After nearly a hundred straight hours of painstaking enactment, the ritual was finally complete. The chants fell silent, the incense ceased burning, the Carcinomancers scuttled back in awe, and time itself stood still. To the amazement of the Council, a figure stood before them - Finn James was ready to play ball.

Completion

At first, Finn seemed to be unstoppable. The ritual infused him with an even fiercer passion for the game, and his physical form was no longer restrained by the laws of the mortal world, seeming to overlap and intersect with multiple iterations of himself in varying degrees of tangibility. This made his pitches nearly impossible to predict, as while dozens of arms might wind up at different angles, only one held a ball that existed on this plane.

Finn readily relayed his experiences to his creators, eager to explain his newfound abilities. As a result of the ritual, Finn's consciousness was spread across the multiverse, simultaneously perceiving each and every possibility of his blaseball career, spending every waking moment witnessing and playing millions of matches with every possible variable.

Much to the shock and dismay of the Council though, the Carcinomancers had made one fatal error - they had not considered what was specifically meant by "the perfect blaseball player." As the texts the ritual was derived from were unknown in origin, having "fallen off the back of a truck" (the Baltimore Code forbade any further questions on the matter), they simply assumed that Finn would be perfected in skill and splortsmanship.

However, Finn's technical abilities remained disappointingly unchanged. Instead, Finn became the person most suitable for a life in the ILB - one who lived for nothing more than the thrill of the game, who had no needs or wants beyond life in the diamond. Finn held no fear of the game's harsher aspects, and would never tire of playing the splort.

As well, while his multiversal perception would have made perfecting his technique and mastering strategy a trivial matter for a more focused mind, Finn was simply too stupid and too caught up in the joy of the game to get any value from his infinite experience beyond his own satisfaction.

Blaseball Career

Fortunately for both Finn and his creators, by the time these fatal defects were uncovered, the Crabs were in such need that his failings could be overlooked. Fan-favourite Combs Duende had just been incinerated, and the vacancy for a hitter needed to be filled immediately.

Capitalizing on this senseless tragedy, the Council reached out to the Crabs to offer the new and improved Finn. While the team was initially skeptical, they had all just lost a dear friend and were happy to have a familiar face instead of a stranger to take Combs' place, and Finn's latest alterations certainly seemed promising. They welcomed him with open claws, and Finn James became a member of the Baltimore Crabs.

While he approached his new role as a designated hitter with glee and determination, Finn's batting ability was dismal, even by Baltimore standards. With less than half a season under his belt, Finn was unceremoniously swapped over to pitching, with the team's upper management deciding that Tillman Henderson would be a better representation of the team at bat.

Since then, while emotionally distraught, Finn has excelled at his new role, being one of the league's up-and-coming pitchers as the Crabs grew to one of the most dominant teams in the ILB due to almost entirely unrelated reasons.

Personality

At his core, Finn is enthusiastic, genuine, and kind, happy to share the joy of the game with his teammates and competitors. Finn spends every moment of his infinite experience living his dream on the field, and is legitimately unable to comprehend the dissatisfaction felt by other players.

However, his fractured perceptions have left him very mentally scattered and socially withdrawn - having no constants beyond himself and Blaseball, Finn finds it hard to identify or connect with other players as he struggles to differentiate between timelines. This lack of consistency has also led to Finn growing self-centered and childish, throwing tantrums when things don't go his way or when the fans' attention shifts to anything other than himself. This allowed James to turn an unexpected corner in his love for the game as they were finally able to perform up to their standards. As games progressed many of the existing players saw James as a younger sibling type of teammate, and as new players began arriving, James took many of them under his wings (or fins). Even when the team ascended James was able to share his enthusiasm for the game with their late addition Bevan Underbuck, who’s pitching James found reminiscent of his old days on the lineup, and was eager to help Underbuck improve and practice.

After Ascension

In the time after ascension Finn James had cemented themselves as a core member of the Baltimore Crabs, and a part of this involved taking up a leadership role with the Crab’s varied pitchers, guiding practice and dolling out tips for their teammates, especially after the loss of the Crabs other original pitchers, Adalberto Tosser and Brock Forbes.

James’ teaching style was said to consist mostly of telling other players to throw “like this” which garnered a mixed reaction from their pupils. Parker Parra seemed to enjoying using these practices to throw pitches “so far away from the strike zone that it's in danger of beaning the on-deck batter”. Lorcan Smaht was able to follow along well until eir alternation, at which point ey joined teammate Axel Campbell in describing the practices as “basically useless”. Alston Cerveza however stood out as one of James’ fans, fondly recounting the story of going to James for advice before his debut game as a pitcher, and having James simply tell him how to pitch a perfect game; which he then proceeded to do. Neither Campbell or Smaht were available for comment after the event.

Despite Montgomery Bullock’s brief return to the team, they were content to let James keep their position as pitching coach as “they seemed like they were having a lot of fun with it”.

The Event Horizon

As the end of the era drew closer, James found himself reaching out to the newer members of the team to help them deal with the stress of their impending transition into whatever was coming next. Being a veteran of ascension, it was something that their were both equipped to handle and eager to help with. While team captain Kennedy Loser was there to supply the quiet reassurance he could carry, James was able to lend a hand with more lighthearted antics and diversions. Lorcan Smaht in particular appreciated James’ willingness to let the big issues lie as they helped em through eir alternation, and the trade of eir sibling Trinity Smaht.

When the Blackhole (blackhole) came for the Crabs, James made sure they could greet it with no regrets.

Finn James/IF-5055.1

Finn James

Crabs Poet Laureate Runolfio Peeper wrote the following about James:

Finn James appears to be a curious fish
He joined us on a dark and gloomy day
Under circumstances none could ever wish
When rogue umps had set our Combs to fricassee

A batter, Finn could barely hit a grounder
But a blessing changed him to a pitching great
On the mound now, he is rarely seen to flounder
Facing fearsome hitters, he’s been known to skate

And the fact that he’s at home with teammates clawed
Makes us wonder if there is a Blaseball Cod.


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