Finn James/IF-5.670

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There came a time when, frustrated by the mediocre performance of their city's team and the snubbing of the gods, the High Council of Elders for the Greater Baltimore Metropolitan Area reached the unanimous conclusion that the success of the Baltimore Crabs could no longer be left up to the team's management alone.

Having recently come into the possession of ancient texts of power, the Arch-Carcinomancers of the Council uncovered an obscure ritual which promised to shape its subject into "the perfect blaseball player, imbued with powers beyond mortal limitations." The course of their salvation determined, all that was left for the Council was to find a subject (or victim) for their dark rite.

Finn James had, for nearly thirty straight years, attended tryouts for the Baltimore Crabs in hopes of making the team. Every year he would try his best, yet every year he was sent away in shame. An aging, hapless fool too useless to have even been carcinized, Finn was a familiar and friendly face to the team, but one they could never let step up to the plate.

Clearly past whatever mediocre prime he may have had but with clear drive, Finn made the perfect prospect for the Council's machinations. A simple offer was made, laying clear the entire transaction - should he consent and complete the ritual, he might finally join the ranks of the Crabs. The risks were presented bluntly and the immense requirements described in detail. Finn agreed outright, not caring to ask a single question before signing away his fate.


Preparation for the ritual itself was a gruelling, six-year ordeal under the vague and convoluted direction of the Carcinomancers. To become a suitable candidate, Finn laboured ceaselessly at his unknowable works until he attained the Seventh Scorn of Horace, the Mark of the Wizened, the Fifteen Chastisements of Ea-nasir, and an undergraduate degree in Comparative English Literature with an optional minor in Theatre. At long last, exhausted, beaten, and scarred beyond belief, he was finally ready.

Though the preparations were nearly impossible, the ritual itself was far more demanding than Finn could have imagined. Every inch of his flesh was tattooed with cuneiform in ink imperceptible to mortal eyes, his joints were bent and warped until they could turn every direction in four dimensions, and his very soul was carefully divided into nine equal parts.

After nearly a hundred straight hours of painstaking enactment, the ritual was finally complete. The chants fell silent, the incense ceased burning, the Carcinomancers scuttled back in awe, and time itself stood still. To the amazement of the Council, a figure stood before them - Finn James was ready to play ball.


At first, Finn seemed to be unstoppable. The ritual infused him with an even fiercer passion for the game, and his physical form was no longer restrained by the laws of the mortal world, seeming to overlap and intersect with multiple iterations of himself in varying degrees of tangibility. This made his pitches nearly impossible to predict, as while dozens of arms might wind up at different angles, only one held a ball that existed on this plane.

Finn readily relayed his experiences to his creators, eager to explain his newfound abilities. As a result of the ritual, Finn's consciousness was spread across the multiverse, simultaneously perceiving each and every possibility of his blaseball career, spending every waking moment witnessing and playing millions of matches with every possible variable.

Much to the shock and dismay of the Council though, the Carcinomancers had made one fatal error - they had not considered what was specifically meant by "the perfect blaseball player." As the texts the ritual was derived from were unknown in origin, having "fallen off the back of a truck" (the Baltimore Code forbade any further questions on the matter), they simply assumed that Finn would be perfected in skill and splortsmanship.

However, Finn's technical abilities remained disappointingly unchanged. Instead, Finn became the person most suitable for a life in the ILB - one who lived for nothing more than the thrill of the game, who had no needs or wants beyond life in the diamond. Finn held no fear of the game's harsher aspects, and would never tire of playing the splort.

As well, while his multiversal perception would have made perfecting his technique and mastering strategy a trivial matter for a more focused mind, Finn was simply too stupid and too caught up in the joy of the game to get any value from his infinite experience beyond his own satisfaction.

Blaseball Career

Fortunately for both Finn and his creators, by the time these fatal defects were uncovered, the Crabs were in such need that his failings could be overlooked. Fan-favourite Combs Duende had just been incinerated, and the vacancy for a hitter needed to be filled immediately.

Capitalizing on this senseless tragedy, the Council reached out to the Crabs to offer the new and improved Finn. While the team was initially skeptical, they had all just lost a dear friend and were happy to have a familiar face instead of a stranger to take Combs' place, and Finn's latest alterations certainly seemed promising. They welcomed him with open claws, and Finn James became a member of the Baltimore Crabs.

While he approached his new role as a designated hitter with glee and determination, Finn's batting ability was dismal, even by Baltimore standards. With less than half a season under his belt, Finn was unceremoniously swapped over to pitching, with the team's upper management deciding that Tillman Henderson would be a better representation of the team at bat.

Since then, while emotionally distraught, Finn has excelled at his new role, being one of the league's up-and-coming pitchers as the Crabs grew to one of the most dominant teams in the ILB due to almost entirely unrelated reasons.


At his core, Finn is enthusiastic, genuine, and kind, happy to share the joy of the game with his teammates and competitors. Finn spends every moment of his infinite experience living his dream on the field, and is legitimately unable to comprehend the dissatisfaction felt by other players.

However, his fractured perceptions have left him very mentally scattered and socially withdrawn - having no constants beyond himself and Blaseball, Finn finds it hard to identify or connect with other players as he struggles to differentiate between timelines. This lack of consistency has also led to Finn growing self-centered and childish, throwing tantrums when things don't go his way or when the fans' attention shifts to anything other than himself. This allowed James to turn an unexpected corner in his love for the game as they were finally able to perform up to their standards. As games progressed many of the existing players saw James as a younger sibling type of teammate, and as new players began arriving, James took many of them under his wings (or fins). Even when the team ascended James was able to share his enthusiasm for the game with their late addition Bevan Underbuck, who’s pitching James found reminiscent of his old days on the lineup, and was eager to help Underbuck improve and practice.

After Ascension

In the time after ascension Finn James had cemented themselves as a core member of the Baltimore Crabs, and a part of this involved taking up a leadership role with the Crab’s varied pitchers, guiding practice and dolling out tips for their teammates, especially after the loss of the Crabs other original pitchers, Adalberto Tosser and Brock Forbes.

James’ teaching style was said to consist mostly of telling other players to throw “like this” which garnered a mixed reaction from their pupils. Parker Parra seemed to enjoying using these practices to throw pitches “so far away from the strike zone that it's in danger of beaning the on-deck batter”. Lorcan Smaht was able to follow along well until eir alternation, at which point ey joined teammate Axel Campbell in describing the practices as “basically useless”. Alston Cerveza however stood out as one of James’ fans, fondly recounting the story of going to James for advice before his debut game as a pitcher, and having James simply tell him how to pitch a perfect game; which he then proceeded to do. Neither Campbell or Smaht were available for comment after the event.

Despite Montgomery Bullock’s brief return to the team, they were content to let James keep their position as pitching coach as “they seemed like they were having a lot of fun with it”.

The Event Horizon

As the end of the era drew closer, James found himself reaching out to the newer members of the team to help them deal with the stress of their impending transition into whatever was coming next. Being a veteran of ascension, it was something that their were both equipped to handle and eager to help with. While team captain Kennedy Loser was there to supply the quiet reassurance he could carry, James was able to lend a hand with more lighthearted antics and diversions. Lorcan Smaht in particular appreciated James’ willingness to let the big issues lie as they helped em through eir alternation, and the trade of eir sibling Trinity Smaht.

When the Blackhole (blackhole) came for the Crabs, James made sure they could greet it with no regrets.