Finn James/IF-1.2017

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Rumor / Community Lore
This article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community. It is just one of many Rumors that we've found in the Interdimensional Rumor Mill. You can find more Rumors about Finn James at their Rumor Registry.

Conflicting Reports

Finn James’ origins are a highly disputed topic among both Crabs fans and local Baltimore citizens. This is not helped by James’ insistence on explaining their origins to anyone who asks, and always giving wildly different answers. When confronted on this topic they simply responded that “it’s all true, especially the parts that can’t be”.

With that in mind this is a collection of stories James has told about their origins at different times - You can either refresh the page to see a new one, or simply visit the collection to see them all

Early Life

Finn James is the son of former New Amsterdam Pencil Pushers pitcher Albert James and his wife Mary. Anatomically, he is a human-sized fish. He was born in a thunderstorm in 1921 in Mary James' hometown of Limerick, Ireland. While his parents, who were quite old and retired from the splort when they had James, retired to run the local tavern, his father told him stories about his career in the olde splort of stickblall. From a young age, James always dreamed of journeying across the ocean to play, just like his father.

Albert James passed away suddenly at the age of 212, leaving the tavern in James’ care. He managed it for the next 60 years, notably pioneering a new gill-safe whiskey brand, until it was incinerated in a freak solar eclipse accident.

Blaseball Career

After the solar eclipse, James swam across the sea to Almerica, intending to retire quietly. But there, he found the Internet Blaseball League was just beginning. Even at the age of 72, he dreamed of playing a splort like his father had. For the next 3 seasons, he practiced and trained, but was never quite capable of making a team.

In Season 4, he finally managed to make the backup roster for the Baltimore Crabs, and his moment finally came when Combs Duende was incinerated in Season 4 Game 63. James still struggles with baserunning, batting, and defense on account of his fins instead of hands and feet. However this does not seem to impact his pitching performance, as his flashing scales can often distract opposing hitters.


Crabs fans have described James as a "loud-mouthed, salty sea creature" and a "whiskey-loving Irish fish with an impressive catalog of swear words" with equal levels of endearment and exasperation. His thick accent is quite impenetrable for most Almerican fans. This is not because he is Irish, but because he is a fish and has no lips to enunciate with. James seems to enjoy life in the City on the Oldest Bay, and can often be spotted taking swims in the dark waters of Baltimore Harbor between games, dodging trash and moon jellies.

Or that least that's how Finn tells it.

Career with the Crabs

Despite the many stories James tells of their origins, one thing quickly became obvious to the Baltimore Crabs - Finn James very much enjoyed the splort of blaseball. While it was well known that “Finn James wins games” their reputation never quite reached the intensity of their teammate Brock Forbes nor did their strategic prowess. James did however take the opportunity to set themselves up in what became known as the “pitchers apartment” shared by Forbes, Adalberto Tosser and occasionally Tillman Henderson. James was often said to have simply let themselves in one day and taken up residence in the spare bathroom, refusing to leave and driving up the water bill. James did however keep up with the Crab’s reputation - being among the only players to pitch a perfect game in the Discipline Era, and helping the Crabs arrive at ascension in Season 10.

After Ascension

In the time after ascension Finn James had cemented themselves as a core member of the Baltimore Crabs, and a part of this involved taking up a leadership role with the Crab’s varied pitchers, guiding practice and dolling out tips for their teammates, especially after the loss of the Crabs other original pitchers, Adalberto Tosser and Brock Forbes.

James’ teaching style was said to consist mostly of telling other players to throw “like this” which garnered a mixed reaction from their pupils. Parker Parra seemed to enjoying using these practices to throw pitches “so far away from the strike zone that it's in danger of beaning the on-deck batter”. Lorcan Smaht was able to follow along well until eir alternation, at which point ey joined teammate Axel Campbell in describing the practices as “basically useless”. Alston Cerveza however stood out as one of James’ fans, fondly recounting the story of going to James for advice before his debut game as a pitcher, and having James simply tell him how to pitch a perfect game; which he then proceeded to do. Neither Campbell or Smaht were available for comment after the event.

Despite Montgomery Bullock’s brief return to the team, they were content to let James keep their position as pitching coach as “they seemed like they were having a lot of fun with it”.

The Event Horizon

As the end of the era drew closer, James found themselves reaching out to the newer members of the team to help them deal with the stress of their impending transition into whatever was coming next. Being a veteran of ascension, it was something that they were both equipped to handle and eager to help with. While team captain Kennedy Loser was there to supply the quiet reassurance he could carry, James was able to lend a hand with more lighthearted antics and diversions. Lorcan Smaht in particular appreciated James’ willingness to let the big issues lie as they helped em through eir alternation, and the trade of eir sibling Trinity Smaht.

When the Blackhole (blackhole) came for the Crabs, James made sure they could greet it with no regrets.