Famous Owens/Rumor Registry
Rumors
Famous Owens has 21 Rumors written about so far.
Famous Owens/IF-10.49
History
Famous Owens was once a chain of protein-packed chicken restaurants in Hades. The restaurant catered to many of the fallen heroes and warriors of Hades, serving the most protein-packed chicken in Hades and in the world above. That was, until the staff decided to unionize. Right as they were transitioning to becoming a worker-owned business, they were struck by a flood of water from the river Styx, trapping them inside their establishments. The only thing to survive was the mascot of Famous Owens, an incredibly buff chicken with black feathers and glowing red eyes, that is piloted by the spirits of the restaurant. Owens joined the Tigers in hope of raising enough funds to restart the chain some day.
Owens may not be the strongest of the Tigers pitching staff, but he does look the strongest.Famous Owens/IF-11.489
Famous Owens is most known for being a seller of numerous fine wares such as essential oils and copper. Owens remains one of the most renowned sellers of fine copper ingots up to this day. Some critics have claimed that Owens did not give them their copper, that they sent their messenger empty handed across countries and did this multiple times. Numerous other complaints can be found in their entirety in Owens’ house, where regular tours are held as well as updates on their social media accounts.
When Owens swapped to the Breckenridge Jazz Hands, they were chased out of the dugout by Sumerian blacksmith Mikan Hammer and forced back to the Hades Tigers.Famous Owens/IF-11.903
Famous Owens is a no good and horrible raccoon who enjoys frolicking through the trash. Taking a considerable amount of glee in awful behaviour, they are known to stare unblinking into onlookers' eyes while tipping over garbage cans, slowly pushing cups off of edges, and eating various disgusting things they found.
Unfortunately, Owens is also a dashing rogue and in spite of how incredibly infuriating these antics are, their teammates and fans cannot help but find the terrible gremlin endearing. Up until they realise Owens stole their lunch. It is unclear how a raccoon came to play the splort of blaseball, but the prevailing rumour is that Owens annoyed Hades so much that he placed them onto the field of play as punishment. Unfortunately, this backfired after Owens turned out to be both good at the game and enormously capricious, playing well for only so long as it held their interest. Indeed, the Sixth Circle Stadium has a number of special, sound-proofed boxes for spectators to enter and curse Owens out after they blew a three-run lead at the bottom of the ninth. Again.
Owens is a notorious face thief, which is to say, they collect party masks that they find in the trash. It's horrifying.
During the Semi-Centenniel, an alleged incident concerning Owens occurred. While neither Owens nor any other Tigers were publically sighted during the match, city sanitation reported an uptick in turned over dumpsters and garbage cans throughout Hades. Certain homes were vandalized more heavily, with trash strewn across a larger area, sometimes reaching the inside of their owner's homes. While seemingly unconnected, officials soon concluded that those who have had the insides of their homes vandalized were often Blaseball fans who had idoled Tiger player Lottie Ceilingfan, whose presence on the idolboard has resulted in a summon to join the League's Rising Stars as a shadow player. While there has been no official response to this conspiracy theory, an undisclosed Tigers player had snickered before saying, quote, “lmao deserve”.Famous Owens/IF-12.19
History
Famous Owens is an Other that wears many stolen faces and has the uncanny ability to make it feel like you've seen them somewhere before. Little is known about them outside of their blaseball career.
The owners of the faces Owens has stolen have yet to be identified. Owens insists they were stolen, but assures us it was “completely justified.”
When pitching, Owens will often assume a face the batter thinks they recognize in order to throw them off. This technique has proven very effective.Famous Owens/IF-156.2
Personality
Famous Owens is strangely familiar. They have your grandfather’s hands, your best friend’s laugh and the effortlessly attractive tousled hair of your first high school crush. They have the nervous tic you noticed on a stranger last week, the nod that your barkeep gives you, the soothing voice of the kind lecturer whose classes you couldn’t stop dozing off in.
Owens denies there is anything untoward about their appearance. When questioned, they say they “just have one of those faces, I guess.”
Of course, all that matters to Tigers fans is that Owens has a throwing arm unlike anyone you know.Famous Owens/IF-18.18
It has recently become an unspoken, yet widely carried belief that Famous Owens is, in fact, Zeus in a very poor disguise. The only reason that this rumor seems to be unspoken is that even uttering the name "Zeus" in Hades can lead to being sentenced to ten thousand days and nights in the river Phlegethon.
Reasons cited for this belief:
- On two separate occasions, Owens appears to have thrown bolts of lightning in place of the standard blaseball. Both pitches were considered balls, as they could not be considered to have crossed the plate.
- Occasionally, Owens seems to turn to people deciding which of the numerous zoos in Hades to go visit, and then ask who was talking to him.
- When drinking, Owens tends to like to ramble about "that one time they turned into golden rain."
- When asked if they were surprised about winning their second straight Internet Series in Season 4, they responded by saying "Absolutely not! How could we lose with the mighty Zeu.... zooming Zion Aliciakeyes on our team?"
Famous Owens/IF-19.416
People Skills
Famous Owens knows a guy. Regardless of what you’re asking for, how hard it would be, or how quickly it has to happen, Owens knows a guy who can help, for a price you’ll begrudgingly accept.
For straightforward requests guys Owens knows will usually just ask for money. For more esoteric requests, Owens knows more esoteric guys. Those who have asked for his help report being asked to trade things such as valuable items, stars, shoes, teeth, or precious memories. Whatever the cost, guys Owens knows have never failed to deliver.Famous Owens/IF-21.661
Famoss 'Famous' Owens is a sentient patch of moss located in the Elysian Fields. Their location is renowned as a place of incredible natural beauty, and the 'essential' oils secreted from the land around them are purported to be fabulous for one's skin. As a result, Owens is deeply beloved and indeed, Famous, and people make the voyage from far away to visit them.
Hades cut a deal with Owens for a constant supply of these oils, in exchange allowing them to play blaseball. Hades later learned he definitely got the raw end of the deal. Despite being moss, Owens has the natural flair and showmanship of a salesperson, sometimes causing their play to go awry when they insert special offer plugs into their walk up.
Owens took the opportunity of their shadowing in Season β19 to develop new strains of oils, using their vast blaseball experience to alter the composition of the decomposition. These fresh new products, including eau de la Scrungle, and the Ump Ash Compress, have sold like hot cakes.Famous Owens/IF-238.91
Personality
Famous Owens has “wholesome boomer vibes.” They’re quite clueless with technology and not down with the lingo of the Kids These Days, but they’re incredibly supportive to their team and family.
Owens notoriously struggles when pitching against Hellmouth Sunbeams batter Emmett Internet.Famous Owens/IF-24.76
Personality
No one can remember Famous Owens before they joined the Tigers, In fact, management claims they don't even remember hiring them. One thing is for sure though, everyone who meets Owens immediately recognizes them as being famous.
Fans are often heard saying things like, "You know, they're from that thing! The show with the other guy? No wait, that was someone else."
It is rumored that Famous Owens' has three "arms." However, this has not been confirmed as there are no known photos, artist depictions, or effigies of Owens.Famous Owens/IF-27.614
Famous Owens is style and charm. Famous Owens is audacious enough to swan into a VIP party without an invitation and suave enough to convince everyone they were on the guest list the entire time. Perhaps they were. Famous Owens is mysterious and alluring, a promise of intrigue and drama, a story waiting to be told. Famous Owens will dazzle you with a smile, infuriate you with supreme confidence, and then, with a wink and a smile, be gone in an instant.
Famous Owens is dangerous and not to be trusted.
Amidst the Tigers, Owens has long held a rivalry with Hiroto Wilcox, stemming from their first days as teammates and intensifying in Wilcox's captaincy. Owens appears to relish in frustrating Wilcox. Wilcox in turn takes satisfaction of bringing Owens down to earth with a crash. Sometimes literally. She might be the only one who can.
Little information can be found on Owens's origins and there is no record of any pre-ILB blaseball career. What scant snippets that have been retrieved have left more questions than answers, the type of questions one hesitates to ask, faced with the gleam in Owens's eye, the casual caress of a frozen face in the lining of their coat.
Their coat. Woven of deceit and triumph, of bargains and contracts, of sorrow and desperation and joy and gratitude. Stolen faces? No no, darling, I am certainly no manner of thief. Perhaps, casting your gaze across those visages, screaming, angry, fearful, laughing, you may content yourself with such a reply.
Owens is, perhaps, a demon, or a spirit, or an ambitious denizen of Hades who has cut the right deals and stabbed the right backs to attain great prestige in the Underworld... or at least did, once upon a time. The air of lost glory and tarnished stardom clings to them, draping their shoulders with faint recognition. They were someone, once, you're sure of it. But... who? To which stage did they stake their claim? Which posters bear their name and face? In which cities were they lauded?
You cannot recall.Famous Owens/IF-38.300
Famous Owens is a renowned musician best known for their jazz and their career with the Hades Tigers. As a musician, they have played a wide variety of instruments but are most known for their pan flute, bouzouki and French horn. Due to their skill and extensive history, Owens has attracted a wide following. They might be more widely known for their shifting identities and preference for smaller or remote venues. This also leads to difficulty in accurately attributing music to Owens. Most fans and scholars agree that Owens has been known as a musician for at least three centuries, and transitioned from playing traditional folk music (then called "just normal music") to jazz. While various theories have been made, there is no consensus on when this shift in genre occurred due to Owen's desire for "mystery and a little drama" and the difficulty in tracing authorship.
Outside of blaseball, Owens is known for releasing multiple hit records and their live performances. While critical reception remains divided, most of their releases have retained popularity or have gained cult followings over the decades. Despite this, Owen's career as a jazz musician was not uncovered until late into their career as a blaseball player. Many fans have defended themselves, saying that Owens' various masks and aliases made it difficult to identify the musician. In addition, accurately attributing records to Owens has been an open problem in music. Owens was known to change names, covers and credits on their albums, including within or between production runs of the same records. In addition, they would frequently change tracklists- adding, removing or occasionally changing songs without renaming them, making it even more difficult to track their full discography.
A constant on the Hades Tigers, Owens briefly feedbacked with Jazz Hand Spears Rogers to much booing. They then feedbacked back to the Tigers in the last out of the game, to even louder boos and hysterical crying. When asked, Owens claimed that they did not feel sufficiently artistically challenged in Hades and felt that a move to Breckenridge would better suit them. When asked why they swapped back, Rogers, who had not been present in the press conference, interjects and claims that Owens was scared of competition. The conference devolved into the two attempting to outplay each other. Multiple articles have described the music performed as "jaw-dropping" and "some of the greatest music I've ever heard". Multiple splorts journalists were later accosted by their musical colleagues out of jealousy, leading to a rash of public feuds between the two fields. Notably, some who were present later quit their respective publications to follow Owens, Rogers or both.Famous Owens/IF-38.474
Detective Career
Famous Owens was a licensed private investigator before joining the Tigers and has an office in Hades with “Owens, PI” on the front door in peeling gold letters. Owens’s detective firm has listings in the Red Papers under “detective,” “private investigator,” and “trouble.”
Famous Owens has, notably, only ever solved one case.
A self-written novelization titled “The Famous Case” sold at auction in XX20, and publication is expected in XX23.Famous Owens/IF-38.54
History
People can’t quite put their finger on it, but they’ve seen Famous Owens somewhere before. Some see Owens in dreams, while others see them in the mirror when they don’t recognise themselves. Owens’ visage is said to be good luck if a person sees them while looking in the reflection of water. Others say the image draws the vain towards their own watery demise.Famous Owens/IF-41.987
The 'Woe Moss Faun' Famous Owens is a faun residing in Tartarus who has been playing blaseball, so they claim, since before the sport was invented. They are very proud of their coat of fur, which harbours a natural growth of shimmering green moss that results in a resplendent finish. A theatrical individual with a penchant for melodramatically flinging themself about as soon as anything remotely inconveniences them, their team begrudgingly tolerates Owens due to their unerring knowledge of any party within a ten mile radius. Their team regrets this decision whenever Owens shows up nursing a hangover and/or decides that 'it's too lit' for them to pitch normally.
Upon being shadowed in Season β19, Owens dedicated themself to a series of short-lived enterprises, including opening their own Tartarus nightclub (closed for being 'too much party for The Man to handle', supposedly), starting up their own fashion line (went bust due to Owens' exacting standards of quality control), and supporting Kick Rocks as an assistant pitching coach (kicked out for using this as an excuse to heckle Hiroto Wilcox and enable Dunlap Figueroa's constant monologuing). They eventually settled into instructing dance choreography for a local theatre troupe, with a side role as an assistant sloccer coach, where Owens' vast experience of feigning injury has come in handy.
Owens claims not to miss playing blaseball, since obviously everyone else requires centuries of game time in order to catch up to them, but they have yet to miss a home game while shadowed, and can often be seen with a wistful expression on their face.
- Supposedly Owens was close in some regard to Yazmin Mason, but they go uncharacteristically tight-lipped whenever the deer pitcher is brought up.
Famous Owens/IF-43.85
Project O.W.E.N.S.
Famous Owens is a team of veteran blaseball players sharing control of a single homunculus. Famous Owens are selected from across the multiverse for their high Wins Above Replacement, and the average of their inputs is taken and used to determine the actions of the homunculus, resulting in optimum blaseball performance.
To create Famous Owens, Dr. Pecota collaborated with her own interdimensional counterparts. She remains responsible for maintaining and disseminating a database of all 2,492,059,101 Owens comprising the team.Famous Owens/IF-45.922
History
Famous Owens, despite their name, was a completely and utterly unremarkable individual before becoming a blaseball player. They have an entirely average and normal appearance and no notable personality traits.
Since joining the Tigers, Owens has had a performance record.Famous Owens/IF-47.15
Experimental Origins
Famous Owens was born in an attempt to create the perfect celebrity. The scientists involved are still debating whether the experiment was a resounding failure or if it succeeded and is proof that blaseball is truly perfect as well.Famous Owens/IF-83.42
“Cursed, cursed creator! Why did I live? Why, in that instant, did I not extinguish the spark of existence which you had so wantonly bestowed? I know not; despair had not yet taken possession of me; my feelings were those of rage and revenge. I could with pleasure have destroyed the cottage and its inhabitants and have glutted myself with their shrieks and misery.
“When night came I quitted my retreat and wandered in the wood; and now, no longer restrained by the fear of discovery, I gave vent to my anguish in fearful howlings. I was like a wild beast that had broken the toils, destroying the objects that obstructed me and ranging through the wood with a stag-like swiftness. Oh! What a miserable night I passed! The cold stars shone in mockery, and the bare trees waved their branches above me; now and then the sweet voice of a bird burst forth amidst the universal stillness. All, save I, were at rest or in enjoyment; I, like the arch-fiend, bore a hell within me, and finding myself unsympathised with, wished to tear up the trees, spread havoc and destruction around me, and then to have sat down and enjoyed the ruin.
“But this was a luxury of sensation that could not endure; I became fatigued with excess of bodily exertion and sank on the damp grass in the sick impotence of despair. There was none among the myriads of men that existed who would pity or assist me; and should I feel kindness towards my enemies? No; from that moment I declared everlasting war against the species, and more than all, against him who had formed me and sent me forth to this insupportable misery.
“The sun rose; I heard the voices of men and knew that it was impossible to return to my retreat during that day. Accordingly I hid myself in some thick underwood, determining to devote the ensuing hours to reflection on my situation.
“The pleasant sunshine and the pure air of day restored me to some degree of tranquillity; and when I considered what had passed at the cottage, I could not help believing that I had been too hasty in my conclusions. I had certainly acted imprudently. It was apparent that my conversation had interested the father in my behalf, and I was a fool in having exposed my person to the horror of his children. I ought to have familiarised the old De Lacey to me, and by degrees to have discovered myself to the rest of his family, when they should have been prepared for my approach. But I did not believe my errors to be irretrievable, and after much consideration I resolved to return to the cottage, seek the old man, and by my representations win him to my party.
“These thoughts calmed me, and in the afternoon I sank into a profound sleep; but the fever of my blood did not allow me to be visited by peaceful dreams. The horrible scene of the preceding day was for ever acting before my eyes; the females were flying and the enraged Felix tearing me from his father’s feet. I awoke exhausted, and finding that it was already night, I crept forth from my hiding-place, and went in search of food.
“When my hunger was appeased, I directed my steps towards the well-known path that conducted to the cottage. All there was at peace. I crept into my hovel and remained in silent expectation of the accustomed hour when the family arose. That hour passed, the sun mounted high in the heavens, but the cottagers did not appear. I trembled violently, apprehending some dreadful misfortune. The inside of the cottage was dark, and I heard no motion; I cannot describe the agony of this suspense.
“Presently two countrymen passed by, but pausing near the cottage, they entered into conversation, using violent gesticulations; but I did not understand what they said, as they spoke the language of the country, which differed from that of my protectors. Soon after, however, Felix approached with another man; I was surprised, as I knew that he had not quitted the cottage that morning, and waited anxiously to discover from his discourse the meaning of these unusual appearances.
“‘Do you consider,’ said his companion to him, ‘that you will be obliged to pay three months’ rent and to lose the produce of your garden? I do not wish to take any unfair advantage, and I beg therefore that you will take some days to consider of your determination.’
“‘It is utterly useless,’ replied Felix; ‘we can never again inhabit your cottage. The life of my father is in the greatest danger, owing to the dreadful circumstance that I have related. My wife and my sister will never recover from their horror. I entreat you not to reason with me any more. Take possession of your tenement and let me fly from this place.’
“Felix trembled violently as he said this. He and his companion entered the cottage, in which they remained for a few minutes, and then departed. I never saw any of the family of De Lacey more.
“I continued for the remainder of the day in my hovel in a state of utter and stupid despair. My protectors had departed and had broken the only link that held me to the world. For the first time the feelings of revenge and hatred filled my bosom, and I did not strive to control them, but allowing myself to be borne away by the stream, I bent my mind towards injury and death. When I thought of my friends, of the mild voice of De Lacey, the gentle eyes of Agatha, and the exquisite beauty of the Arabian, these thoughts vanished and a gush of tears somewhat soothed me. But again when I reflected that they had spurned and deserted me, anger returned, a rage of anger, and unable to injure anything human, I turned my fury towards inanimate objects. As night advanced, I placed a variety of combustibles around the cottage, and after having destroyed every vestige of cultivation in the garden, I waited with forced impatience until the moon had sunk to commence my operations.
“As the night advanced, a fierce wind arose from the woods and quickly dispersed the clouds that had loitered in the heavens; the blast tore along like a mighty avalanche and produced a kind of insanity in my spirits that burst all bounds of reason and reflection. I lighted the dry branch of a tree and danced with fury around the devoted cottage, my eyes still fixed on the western horizon, the edge of which the moon nearly touched. A part of its orb was at length hid, and I waved my brand; it sank, and with a loud scream I fired the straw, and heath, and bushes, which I had collected. The wind fanned the fire, and the cottage was quickly enveloped by the flames, which clung to it and licked it with their forked and destroying tongues.
“As soon as I was convinced that no assistance could save any part of the habitation, I quitted the scene and sought for refuge in the woods.
“And now, with the world before me, whither should I bend my steps? I resolved to fly far from the scene of my misfortunes; but to me, hated and despised, every country must be equally horrible. At length the thought of you crossed my mind. I learned from your papers that you were my father, my creator; and to whom could I apply with more fitness than to him who had given me life? Among the lessons that Felix had bestowed upon Safie, geography had not been omitted; I had learned from these the relative situations of the different countries of the earth. You had mentioned Geneva as the name of your native town, and towards this place I resolved to proceed.
“But how was I to direct myself? I knew that I must travel in a southwesterly direction to reach my destination, but the sun was my only guide. I did not know the names of the towns that I was to pass through, nor could I ask information from a single human being; but I did not despair. From you only could I hope for succour, although towards you I felt no sentiment but that of hatred. Unfeeling, heartless creator! You had endowed me with perceptions and passions and then cast me abroad an object for the scorn and horror of mankind. But on you only had I any claim for pity and redress, and from you I determined to seek that justice which I vainly attempted to gain from any other being that wore the human form.
“My travels were long and the sufferings I endured intense. It was late in autumn when I quitted the district where I had so long resided. I travelled only at night, fearful of encountering the visage of a human being. Nature decayed around me, and the sun became heatless; rain and snow poured around me; mighty rivers were frozen; the surface of the earth was hard and chill, and bare, and I found no shelter. Oh, earth! How often did I imprecate curses on the cause of my being! The mildness of my nature had fled, and all within me was turned to gall and bitterness. The nearer I approached to your habitation, the more deeply did I feel the spirit of revenge enkindled in my heart. Snow fell, and the waters were hardened, but I rested not. A few incidents now and then directed me, and I possessed a map of the country; but I often wandered wide from my path. The agony of my feelings allowed me no respite; no incident occurred from which my rage and misery could not extract its food; but a circumstance that happened when I arrived on the confines of Switzerland, when the sun had recovered its warmth and the earth again began to look green, confirmed in an especial manner the bitterness and horror of my feelings.
“I generally rested during the day and travelled only when I was secured by night from the view of man. One morning, however, finding that my path lay through a deep wood, I ventured to continue my journey after the sun had risen; the day, which was one of the first of spring, cheered even me by the loveliness of its sunshine and the balminess of the air. I felt emotions of gentleness and pleasure, that had long appeared dead, revive within me. Half surprised by the novelty of these sensations, I allowed myself to be borne away by them, and forgetting my solitude and deformity, dared to be happy. Soft tears again bedewed my cheeks, and I even raised my humid eyes with thankfulness towards the blessed sun, which bestowed such joy upon me.
“I continued to wind among the paths of the wood, until I came to its boundary, which was skirted by a deep and rapid river, into which many of the trees bent their branches, now budding with the fresh spring. Here I paused, not exactly knowing what path to pursue, when I heard the sound of voices, that induced me to conceal myself under the shade of a cypress. I was scarcely hid when a young girl came running towards the spot where I was concealed, laughing, as if she ran from someone in sport. She continued her course along the precipitous sides of the river, when suddenly her foot slipped, and she fell into the rapid stream. I rushed from my hiding-place and with extreme labour, from the force of the current, saved her and dragged her to shore. She was senseless, and I endeavoured by every means in my power to restore animation, when I was suddenly interrupted by the approach of a rustic, who was probably the person from whom she had playfully fled. On seeing me, he darted towards me, and tearing the girl from my arms, hastened towards the deeper parts of the wood. I followed speedily, I hardly knew why; but when the man saw me draw near, he aimed a gun, which he carried, at my body and fired. I sank to the ground, and my injurer, with increased swiftness, escaped into the wood.
“This was then the reward of my benevolence! I had saved a human being from destruction, and as a recompense I now writhed under the miserable pain of a wound which shattered the flesh and bone. The feelings of kindness and gentleness which I had entertained but a few moments before gave place to hellish rage and gnashing of teeth. Inflamed by pain, I vowed eternal hatred and vengeance to all mankind. But the agony of my wound overcame me; my pulses paused, and I fainted.
“For some weeks I led a miserable life in the woods, endeavouring to cure the wound which I had received. The ball had entered my shoulder, and I knew not whether it had remained there or passed through; at any rate I had no means of extracting it. My sufferings were augmented also by the oppressive sense of the injustice and ingratitude of their infliction. My daily vows rose for revenge—a deep and deadly revenge, such as would alone compensate for the outrages and anguish I had endured.
“After some weeks my wound healed, and I continued my journey. The labours I endured were no longer to be alleviated by the bright sun or gentle breezes of spring; all joy was but a mockery which insulted my desolate state and made me feel more painfully that I was not made for the enjoyment of pleasure.Famous Owens/IF-89.748
Heritage
Famous Owens is the heir to the Famous Amors Cookie empire. Owens became a blaseball player as an act of rebellion against the crushing familial expectations and obligations associated with this position.Famous Owens/IF-92.19
History
Famous Owens is an instance of Famous Owens. Other instances have been reported (though not confirmed) in various physical and societal positions across Hades, including a small claims court judge, a ███████ player, three seats over at a bar, a loiterer on a street corner and right behind Famous Owens. All instances are united in the fact that they can’t be found once the relevant context ends. As such, Famous Owens is currently considered an unsolved problem in physics.
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