Espresso Machine

From Blaseball Wiki

Espresso Machine is a pitcher for the Society Data Witches.

Official League Records

Espresso Machine joined Internet League Blaseball as a pitcher for the Society Data Witches during the inaugural Coffee Cup.

She pitched the first game of Round 2 against the Atlético Latte, with her team winning 4 to 2.5, and pitched the first game of Round 2 against FWXBC, this time losing 5.7 to 10.4.

Personal Life

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Espresso "Emmy" Machine is a member of SIBR's newly formed Field Research Division (aka. the Data Witches). The nickname "Emmy" is derived from her initials, and she prefers it over her formal name when at all possible.

Emmy lives at the Escher Complex in the SIBR offices, working with the rest of the team on... things, occasionally. She spends most of the rest of her time playing video games at her desk or at the front café, pondering new ways to cause problems on purpose. For science. As she does not require sleep, she spends most nights in the computer lab participating in the cultural event of Late Night Blaseball Twitter.


No one, including herself, is quite sure where she came from, who or what created her, how she works, or why she's even here. No one seems to mind, though.

Arcane Security

Emmy first joined SIBR as a penetration tester for the Arcane Security division. While not particularly skilled in the art of the arcane, she is naturally gifted in the art of "breaking things". Emmy quickly fell into her role, often spending late nights working closely with Major "XVI" Arcana on securing various hexes and wards from unintended side effects or exploits. The two of them quickly grew close; shenanigans quickly ensuing.

Despite XVI's many attempts at teaching her actual skills, Emmy prefers to abuse her own continued ignorance, letting her consider potential interpretations that an experienced witch would otherwise gloss over. Emmy has also dabbled in technological security to moderate success, despite her mediocre-at-best computer skills - describing her hobby as "keysmashing at open ports and seeing what blows up".

Society Data Witches

As SIBR was assembling their Field Research Division, Emmy was proposed as a last-minute candidate by her girlfriend Batista Oatmilk. Emmy was not informed of the rest of the team roster prior to the public announcement.

Emmy is very unhappy with her status as a pitcher, instead envying the (in her eyes) much more glamorous lifestyle as a lineup hitter. Purely out of spite, she decided to take her professional skills to the field, attempting to push the ILB Rulebook to its very limits.

She has experimented with the idea of replacing one or more of her arms with a bat during games, allowing her to fulfill her dreams of hitting "mad dingers" directly from the mound. She has also considered upgrading an arm to a sword - mostly because it would be "incredibly badass" (her words), but also because someone told her weapons were banned in play, and she would very much enjoy proving them wrong - even if on a technicality.

During her first game on Day 6 of the Coffee Cup, Emmy managed to score her team a win, despite her immense fear of gnomes. She lost her second game on Day 11, distracted by Lou Roseheart's experimental pitching strategies.


  • Despite her player profile, Emmy does not have a blood type, as she does not have blood. This annoys her immensely.
  • Her body is theoretically capable of making coffee, although Emmy refuses to acknowledge this. When asked to provide coffee, she will either bluntly respond with "out of order", or walk to the office's actual coffee machine, slowly push the (sometimes) correct button, and deliver the output with painstaking inefficiency and a piercing death glare.
  • Emmy considers Pitching Machine one of her primary role models in life, mostly for its penchant for blood, upgrades, spite, and being a gay machine. On the other hand, she really does not like the Electric Kettle - there's just something about its mere presence.
  • XVI has attempted to teach Emmy about tarot cards on multiple occasions. She still does not understand how tarot works, but has now started misinterpreting most letter combinations as roman numerals.
  • Emmy has applied to GDQ speedrunning events on several occasions, but has never been accepted. This may be because her runs would be considered a TAS- or because her presence would violate their ban on weapons in the marathon areas.
  • Emmy has Tweetdeck access to the official SIBR account, and frequently uses it to like her own tweets for internet clout.
  • She adopted a cat during a visit to Charleston. Taking suggestions from Velasquez Alstott, her name is Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2. She frequently brings the cat with her on visits across the country, having constructed a makeshift cat bed inside her own body. Much to the dismay of unaware bystanders, she can and will describe this as "eating the cat".
  • While her body is not internally liquid-proof, Emmy will occasionally drink small amounts of water. This is allegedly in an attempt to "build up a tolerance".
  • Her body is incredibly lightweight, at about 15 pounds (or 7 kg). This is generally not a factor, but it makes her very easy to pick up, throw, or knock over.
  • After finding a stash of bodies identical to her own in the office, Emmy will regularly switch between them. This may be for fun, but can also be practical purposes, acting as a form of "fast travel".