Denzel Scott/IF-7.8837

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Denzel Scott has become internationally recognised for being the most frequently overlooked player in the Houston Spies, if not the entire league. Scott's reputation for lacking a reputation began at a young age, as they were notorious for being forgotten with an alarming frequency[1]. This is surprising, given that Scott is both a car and a person. Sometimes Scott is a car, sometimes a very mundane human, and sometimes Scott operates as both the car and the exceedingly average driver that they manifest from within them, and yet in all instances they remain entirely forgettable.

As a car, Scott can take many forms, often opting for a sporty or subtle look. Some of Scott’s popular forms include an Honda Odyssey, an inconspicuous telephone company van, a limousine, an Aston Martin DB5, KITT, and a 1958 Denzel 1300WD. While Scott the car can communicate via speech through the car radio or honking their horn in Morse code, at times they prefer to communicate through selective song playing, finding appropriate lyrical responses to the conversation. When Scott the car curses or discusses classified information, the car horn honks involuntarily, censoring whatever curse word they said.

Capitalising on their local fame, Scott joined the Houston Spies to demonstrate their other great talent—Blaseball playing. They, alongside Math Velazquez, were, ironically, one of the Spies' worst pitchers until both received replacement elbows, which applied to the car as well as the human Scott, despite the car not having arms or elbows. Because of a Season 9, Day 52 Reverb event, both became hitters, where they have performed well.

Human Scott uses a bat to hit the ball, while as a car Scott opts instead to open their doors to hit the ball. Scott’sBlaseball playing also granted them the opportunity to demonstrate their incredible forgettability on a national stage. Over the course of their career, Scott has managed to become one of the splort's most recognisable stars by being its least recognisable star. In fact, during the Season 6 election Scott was so forgettable that, even though they were obviously the least idolized player in the league, their teammate Howell Franklin was chosen to swap teams by a blessing targeting the least-idolized instead. When asked about coming in second place as being the most overlooked, Scott said, “No, I wouldn’t say I’m bitter. But people have a thing, you know? And mine is being the most forgettable. Guess I just never expected to come in second at that.”

Denzel Scott has a normal personal life—perfectly average, in fact. They are 52 years old, with a bachelor's degree in business management, a loving spouse, exactly 2.5 children, and a two-bedroom house in eastern Houston built in the late 1970s, 26.1 minutes away from the Spies stadium. They are so aggressively normal that they seem to have built up an inexplicable immunity to the supernatural, eldritch, weird, or otherwise interesting abilities of other Blaseball players, which extends between the human and the car.

Documented examples include:

  • Complimenting the eye color of Math Velazquez, despite the fact that Math is a metaphysical construct of the entire mathematical discipline, and therefore does not have a face.
  • Reporting no memory of having raised Son Scotch, but treating them as one of Scott's 2.5 children anyway, since according to them, "It's only polite".
  • Always recognizing and warmly greeting Reese Clark despite Reese’s ever-changing appearance, which often ruins a perfectly good stakeout.
  • Scott always accurately pronounces the otherwise indecipherable growl that is the name of the demon Marco Escobar summoned, doing so even in car form.
  • Recognizing the true nature of Collins Melon, thereby prompting Collins to offer Scott a lifetime supply of (thankfully non-sentient) melons to secure their silence.
  • Upon meeting Boyfriend Monreal, Scott politely rejected their advance and was quoted as honking in Morse code “Sorry, I have my weekly date night with my partner in a little bit, can’t chat.”

If there are more examples of this singular phenomenon, they have likely been forgotten, along with so much else about the famously obscure Denzel Scott.

Scott's existence, and the facts of their condition, are the closest that we likely will ever get to proof positive of the Spies' spying. Logic dictates that they are one of the team's greatest assets, and would be a treasure trove of information about the Spies' covert activities, if only the team would officially recognize that Scott exists at all.


Scott is a very responsible and kind person. Both human and car Scott often do the dishes without being asked, pay the rent early, and keep the bathrooms at Spies HQ sparklingly clean, despite a car not being able to perform these tasks. Car Scott also always opens the door for passengers, keeps the interior at a very comfortable temperature that never needs adjustment, and acts as the designated driver for all Spies events. Scott is so responsible and polite that it seems to manifest in strange ways. When others misplace something, Scott always finds it in the first place they look. When at the store, they always manage to find one more item of whatever they’re looking for, even if the store claims to be out of that item. These traits are shared, like all other traits, between the human and car Scott.

  1. Scott, Denzel. Pay Attention but Do Not Pay Attention to Me, Unsuspicious Houston Publishing Co., 2020, 38 p., ISBN 2-1-14-7-2-1-14-7