Brisket Friendo/Rumor Registry

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Brisket Friendo has 2 Rumors written about so far.

Brisket Friendo/IF-28.498

The Nature of Brisket

The duo known as Brisket Friendo is comprised of the entities known as Brie and Brie’s Cat, Brisket. Brie is a formerly normal formerly human former denizen of the Hellmouth and Brisket is a shapeshifting alien from the depths of space that has taken the form of a cat in a shark costume, specifically a blåhaj.

The pair play the game of blaseball together, with Brie batting and Brisket running the bases and defending. When filling out the ILB recruitment forms, Brie had originally entered Brisket's name as a joke, but Brie’s own stats on the form as well. As a result, both of them were drafted to play together, as according to the unknown laws of Blaseball.

Brie

Brie is Brisket’s owner. Hailing from the Hellmouth, Brie formerly worked at an Outback Steakhouse before moving to Seattle and becoming subject to Stlarbucksification, joining the baristas in the area.

Brie is a grad student who continues to work towards a Masters in Graphic Design through online courses from Hellmouth Community College. Graphic Design is Brie's passion, however Brie is also minoring in Advertising “in order to learn the ways of subtle manipulation and how to thwart it”[1]. Brie often signs propaganda and other designs with the signature phrase “Brie Delivery”.

The first meeting between Brie and Brisket took place in the Hellmouth, where Brie found Brisket wandering around and promptly offered love and affection to the very good cat. A bond was formed and Brie adopted this new friend. Brie hadn't thought of a name at the time and all of Brie's friends simply referred to them as "Brie's Cat" which quickly morphed into the name Brisket.

It is unclear whether or not Brie is aware that Brisket is not, in fact, a typical cat. When asked about the shapeshifting, extraterrestrial nature of the creature, Brie has answered both affirmatively and in a way that does not indicate that Brie is fully aware of what is being asked, but with a tone of understanding nonetheless. These are not helpful answers.[Opinion]

Brie is also a hobbyist ventriloquist and appreciates puppets, such as the iconic Frasier Shmurmgle. When not playing, Brie will often pick up Brisket and speak as if through the cat. Brie is excellent at throwing Brie’s voice, which has startled a number of fellow teammates when Brisket suddenly stumbles in and starts talking to them.

Fellow Garages player Arturo Huerta has become a favorite audience of Brie’s. While Brie likely still cannot perceive Huerta’s features reliably, Brie can identify him quickly and will corner him with Brisket, subjecting him to whatever routine Brie has come up with.

Brie’s Cat, Brisket

The creature known as Brisket first appeared on Earth some time since the Return of Blaseball, crashing into the ground in the deserts of the American Southwest. While the initial form of Brisket is not currently known, it is documented that shortly after emerging from the smouldering crater they bumbled into a nearby town to hunt for food and, in an effort to lull their prey into a false sense of security, took the form he is now famous for: a small cat in a blåhaj costume. He has stayed in this form ever since after realizing that people will feed him whenever he meows cutely and as a result of all of the headpats and ear scritches he has received.

Brisket’s extreme density has required a re-examining of conventional metrics, and currently a new measurement of Absolution has been proposed to reflect this; Brisket is quantifiable as 1 Absolute Unit. Their density is so great that their gravitational pull will tug light objects off of shelves, which is very useful for a cat as he does not need to jump up to them to knock them off manually. The absoluteness of his density can fluctuate on command, allowing them to become too heavy to pick up when they choose (Brie is the one exception; Brie can always pick him up, even if he acts grumpy about it). Brisket loves Brie very much and is a very good cat.

It has been suggested that the Blahaj costume can communicate with Brisket telepathically, however they are in such sync that any difference is insignificant.

When asked for more details about the exact nature of their relation with the shark costume, Brisket replied “a heem heem whimper”.

Life in Seattle

The pair love to play instruments together. Brisket especially enjoys the floor piano, the bongos, and purring, while both also dance, play the keytar, drums, and tambourine.

Brisket Friendo/IF-60.529

History

Rivka “Brisket Friendo” Freiman was born in Kansas City, MO to Ashkenazi Jewish parents, the responsible eldest sibling to three younger sisters. Friends and relatives testify that Brisket has been stoic since childhood, with one Freiman sister stating in an interview that he was “never a big smiler…but tells a good joke.”

Despite this serious demeanor, Brisket showed enthusiasm from an early age for two hobbies that would later become his careers - cooking and sports. He often immersed himself in cooking Jewish holiday meals for his household, his signature main course earning him the affectionate nickname of Brisket (commonly shortened to “Briskie” by friends and family). He also played blaseball recreationally in both high school and college, and was known to be quite an effective cleanup hitter when he put his mind to it.

Joining The Shadows

As the Expansion Era of Blaseball began, many teams sought new shadow players for their postseason births. Brisket, then working as a kosher butcher’s apprentice and part-time sound technician in St. Louis, signed up for his hometown team the Breath Mints on a whim. Wanting some semblance of anonymity for himself and his family, he entered the shadows under the name Brisket Friendo.

What happened next is unclear, even to Brisket himself. He and fellow shadows player Tad Seeth were famously redacted during the Season β13 election, not to be seen again until Brisket exited the Secret Base in the Crabitat on Season 16, Day 1. He was batted home by Silvaire Roadhouse, and subsequently joined the Baltimore Crabs’ shadow roster. When asked at a post-game press conference where he had been for the past two seasons, Brisket simply stared into the camera for forty-five seconds and then replied “I can’t.”

Brisket became fast friends with shadow pitcher Lorcan Smaht, who allowed him to crash on eir floor during his time in Baltimore, and with Roadhouse herself, who later admitted to reporters that she felt a certain responsibility for Friendo. Smaht and Roadhouse are rumored to keep in touch with Brisket to this day, though neither have publicly confirmed nor denied this. Smaht in particular has been photographed visiting Brisket in Seattle on several occasions, and Brisket likewise visiting to see Smaht’s band perform in Baltimore.

In The Hellmouth

Unbeknownst to Brisket, he would soon be the subject of another Election Day snafu. As he prepared to travel to Canada due to an expected trade with Alston Cerveza, he instead found himself transported to the Hellmouth. He would start Season 17 as a player on the Sunbeams’ lineup, with a performance that admittedly did not match the inflated star count his time being Redacted had left him with.

During his stay in the Hellmouth, Brisket organized several family meals for the team, and commented to reporters that he had “missed cooking for a lot of people at once.” He could also occasionally be found volunteering at the Randall Marijuana Memorial Cat Cafe, with one new kitten there rumored to be named after him upon his departure from Utah.

Life In Seattle

Brisket (alternate) hanging out with fellow former Mint Rodriguez Internet.
Brisket (alternate) hanging out with fellow former Mint Rodriguez Internet.

During the Season 17 election, Brisket was traded yet again, this time landing in Seattle. He would go on to comment during post-game interviews that it was the farthest from home he’d ever traveled, though he found himself fitting in well with the Garages, having been a rock music fan from a very young age. Despite not playing an instrument, he gamely took to the task of helping the Garages as a sound technician, and can often be found working behind the scenes at their live shows.

The next few seasons would see even more election-based change for Brisket, as he was alternated and shadowed in quick succession in Seasons 18 and 19. In interviews after the Season 18 elections, it was discovered that the alternated Brisket had been a blaseball player since the Discipline Era in his original universe, and had batted for the Breath Mints for a number of years before an unfortunate Feedback incident landed him on the Garages. His personality does not seem to have changed significantly, though teammates have described him as “somehow even more deadpan” and “maybe allergic to cherries?” since the alternation.

Trivia

  • Brisket is a practicing reform Jew, and often invites teammates to celebrate Jewish holidays at his apartment.
  • He has often been seen in Baltimore visiting the Crabs’ shadow roster in the off-season.
  • Brisket and Malik Destiny have both professed to the media that they see each other as close friends after being next to one another on the Garages batting lineup for two seasons, and spending several days Elsewhere together in Season 19.
  • Both the original and alternate Brisket dye their bangs a signature mint green color.
  • The only time he has been recorded smiling on camera is after hitting a solo home run on Season 19, Day 115.
  • He is a lesbian.


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  1. "I'm minoring in Advertising in order to learn the ways of subtle manipulation and how to thwart it." - Brie