Bonk Jokes/Rumor Registry

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Bonk Jokes has 5 Rumors written about so far.

Bonk Jokes/IF-13.1.12-D

Ornithomantic Assignation

A scrap of weathered parchment is inscribed in ashen ink by the Augur's hand

A collection of these notes was located in a file cabinet within the Yellowstone National Park Ballpark offices, all sharing a similar handwriting and purpose. Each note describes a member of the Yellowstone Magic, in synchronicity with a known reality counterpart, but as a particular species of bird. It remains unclear why the Augur is scrying these particular ornithomancies and what purpose they may serve, but the findings are dutifully recorded and cataloged when new ones are discovered.

Scrying target: Bonk Jokes (Magic lineup, skeletal amalgamation)

Ornithomantic assignation: many disparate identities exist within the target, circling around the core, but the preferred presentation is as bearded vulture or lammergeier (Gypaetus barbatus) - a remarkable Old World vulture with a diet of bones.

Appearance is distinct within the shifting shadows that signify other identifications within the system. Massive bird of prey with 10ft wingspan, brown wings, a yellow-white face and underside, and a v-shaped marking of black down the face that meets and terminates beneath the lower mandible, with trailing feathers representing the nominative "beard." However, appearance also shifts to that of the skeletal system of said bird, with a low red glow within the skull. In periods of flux the bird shifts rapidly in shape. In my observations I have recorded a white-throated magpie-jay, a southern white-faced owl, a Blackburnian warbler, a tourmaline sunangel, and a ruddy duck.

Collective is silent, using their immense size as an intimidation factor in defense of their territory. Collective also engages in the activity well-known of the species: that of arising to great height with a large scavenged bone in talons, and then dropping it to fall upon rocks, where it may break apart into manageable pieces. The pieces are then retrieved on the ground and swallowed whole. In this case, the bones are integrated into the overall identifiable signature, and may indicate the creation of a new aspect. Said aspects may shift to become the primary presentation at times, but as the recording of each aspect's identifiers and habits will occupy far more than one evening, I shall abstain, and merely report upon the overall front that is presented.

Of important note is the ancient Greek name for this bird, which is ossifrage, a name which means "bone breaker." Of additional important note is that the ancient Greeks regarded the ossifrage as one of the few birds regarded as truth-tellers to the sooth-sayers.

Arachismic-legumic reactivity: unknown.

Sanguinicity: unknown.

Migration status: nonmigratory (as of yet)

Ley line attunement: osteogenic.

This one is a very new construct, assembled by the "Wise" in great haste. I have a great many suggestions for him, which he would no doubt spurn. However, he has overlooked the very important fact that his newest construct is-

The ink is too smeared to read beyond those words.

Bonk Jokes/IF-3.0183

Joining Yellowstone Magic

Bonk Jokes is the name used by a collective system, found within a skeletal structure that arose out of the Yellowstone National Parkpark Museum following Annie Roland's incineration. The current theory held by Bevan Wise is that the collective screams of anguish from the park and Roland's fans sparked a spontaneous magical response, as heightened emotions are good arcane fuel. Due to lacking any flesh or organs, they have difficulty hearing speech and other noises, but can sometimes pick out the vibrations of sounds in order to respond. Their primary preferred method of communication is ASL or written word.

Bonk has proven incredibly difficult to change of any form in its status as a construct or player. Its primary goal is stability in the park and team, with a built in resistance to change. This is often not to their benefit, as they seem to innately repel any spells or blaseball-induced alterations that could help them, but it helps them remain a very reliable teammate no matter what occurs on the field. While appearance-wise it can swap what bones are animated at what times, and can add new ones from any source if provided, its overall mass of or number of bones needs to remain constant, or it will experience feelings of agitation and discomfort until the issue is resolved.

The Coffee Cup

Bonk Jokes was drafted into the Coffee Cup as a pitcher for the Light & Sweet Electric Co.. As this was not its usual job, its performance suffered to an extent, leading to a 6-13 score in favor of Club de Calf. When reached out to for comment by their main team members afterwards, the oddity was mentioned, but they were grateful to be given a chance to play at all. Vi, a member of the system, seemed more enthused about it than the others, but even Vi's sentiment was that being back in Yellowstone was worth not getting another chance to try.

System Members

Their state as a system was disclosed fairly early on in their career, due to the sudden appearance of member Jones. Whether this is due to the magical energies that spawned their creation, their construction as a collective of bones, or simply a quirk of how they exist, no one knows or will attempt to ascertain the truth out of respect for their privacy. As a courtesy to their fellow teammates, Bonk will often swap what skull they use at the top of their neck to indicate who is mostly present at that time. This is not a guarantee, nor are they required to do so in order to swap fronts, and it can often be forgotten in the heat of games or other exhausting days. When referring to themselves, they either refer to the collective system (i.e Bonk Jokes), or substitute their name in place of Jokes (i.e, Bonk Jones, Bonk Phil, etc.) if they are speaking more specifically.

The following is a non-exhaustive list of collective personalities within the structure, as well as their names.


Uses they/them exclusively. Prefers to not speak amongst the team, but shows up before and during games of blaseball. Bo is very good at hitting the ball, and hitting it hard. Had a strong friendship with Wyatt Glover prior to their Redaction, and has retreated even further from team activities ever since. They have a tendency to loom silently and intimidate opposing players, which may or may not be intentional depending on who you ask. Is the primary 'player' of blaseball in system, often seen with a bison skull.


It/they. A jokester on the team, but one who takes the game very seriously. They and Bo volunteer as the ones who enjoy blaseball on all fronts and have made it their focus. While Bo prefers to simply play the game, however, Phil will take the chance to make a funny play instead of the optimal one. It has taken note of the Philly Pie's similar name, and do its best to give a good show to them. After the Pies also noticed the pattern, they attempt to play games against the Pies almost exclusively without the aid of the rest of the system. Their fellow system members are not the most amused by their chosen past time, however, and will pull it back if they feel it's going too far. Prefers to signal their presence with an oxen skull. Their favorite skull has some residue from marker drawings, from themselves or from their team mates, either in an attempt to keep the mood light or to add expression to their otherwise motionless face.


Uses he/it pronouns. A frequent face off of the field. He is cordial, and stylizes himself after romanticized ideals of pirate behavior. It often communicates in eloquent or in antiquated language, but is exceedingly polite and will change its language if it grows too confusing for the other party. Jones loves dramatized plays and is fond of Shakespeare in particular. This facet leads to him being good friends with Logan Rodriguez, much to Bevan's dismay, as they can combined turn a normal day at the Ranger station into a dramatic reenactment of almost any play in human history. It takes good care of Annie Roland's gravy boat collection following her incineration, and has added a few miniaturized ships alongside it. Normally able to be seen with a horned owl skull.


No pronouns. Very rarely seen without another system member present. Communicates exclusively using various bird bones, often pulling them from within Bonk's body in order to replace the currently selected finger bones. Vi only enjoys the base stealing aspect of blaseball, but due to how suddenly Vi surfaces this often leads to the system being disoriented and tagged out before any play can be made. Vi is incredibly sharp on reading catcher signals to the opposing pitcher, and has been seen practicing pitching with fellow batter-turned-pitcher Eizabeth Elliott to make use of this skill. Vi is unsure of being around Tiana Wheeler ever since her addition to the team, and attempts to not be on base at the same time as it. Vi does not have a skull to indicate Vi's presence, preferring to stay to the bird bone method.


A system member which has refused to speak to the team or give any indication that it's willing to do so. Its main signal is a sudden flareup of arcane energy around Bonk Jokes' form, of various colors, which will not dissipate for several hours. Will sometimes appear during a game, changing Bonk's demeanor entirely, but it can also occur seemingly at random. If this unknown entity has to play out a game, they will attempt to end the game as quickly as possible by whatever means necessary, either by striking out quickly, or hitting batters on base in within three pitches.

Following any period of time that they appear, the collective Bonk system will disappear for hours at a time into the wilderness. When they eventually return, they often seem to be improved in mood and performance for the following weeks, but refuse to disclose why this is the case.

Bonk Jokes/IF-3.865

Skeletal Guardian Made of Many

Bonk is a plural, roughly humanoid skeleton created from an amalgamation of various animal bones, such as a bison skull, bear legs, and bird talons. The skeleton was animated by Bevan Wise in a panic after Annie Roland's incineration, which is why its construction is somewhat haphazard. They serve as a silent and vaguely threatening protector of the team in Annie's place.

Bonk is also hard of hearing and communicates through ASL.

Bonk Jokes/IF-40.115

One Joke Too Many

Bonk Jokes is an amalgam made up of an incredible number of bones, souls, and blood. After the incineration of former player Annie Roland, Yellowstone pitcher Logan Rodriguez tasked himself with the creation of a replacement. His solution was to use the vast amount of blood gained as a Siphon to preform the necromantic miracle which resulted in Jokes' creation, albeit with some side effects.

The large number of souls present in a single entity has led to some issues. No primary individual exists from this swirling mass, instead functioning as a shifting system akin to a plural human. Jokes manages this by switching out the bones which make of their core body, helping others to recognize the current dominant spirit. Several common personalities include a bison headed personality which often hits home runs, a many armed defender, and a lithe skeleton which consists only of a head, hips, and legs, that often steals blases.

Additionally, the choice of building materials has led to some issues with speech and perception. While the magical energies which hold together and propel Jokes allow for rudimentary hearing, the lack of ears, ear drums, and a general lack of biological systems can make hearing difficult. They generally rely on sign language, (taught by Yellowstone Batter Wyatt Glover) for on the field communications and other chaotic scenarios, but can hold conversations otherwise in quieter, off the field settings.

Finally, prolonged exposure to Logan Rodriguez has had adverse effects on Joke's personality. They describe the process of their creation as a "Six week long hellscape in which sick attempts at humor rained down like the fires of the apocalypse." Rodriguez remembers the period fondly and claims Jokes was "A great listener." This has resulted in a general negative reaction to any attempts at comedy told in Jokes' company, which often leads to the speaker getting walloped over the head, or as Jokes' would tell it, "Bonked." Jokes does however, have a deep love for dramas, poetry, and other "serious" works.

Regardless, Jokes manages to function as a competent and beloved, (if somewhat crabby,) member of the Yellowstone Magic.

Bonk Jokes/IF-8.847

Bonk Jokes is rumored to be the former host of the infamous Hlockey mascot Gritty, feared menace and patron saint of the Philadelphia greater metropolitan area. It is unknown how or why the host of a Hlockey mascot would travel hundreds of miles and challenge the Laws Immateria to instead play blaseball, or what happened to Gritty's ████. However, following the ████ of 20██, the hand of Gritty was felt throughout Philadelphia, resting uncomfortably on the shoulders of each resident. These dates and events are known to roughly correspond to the signature of Bonk Jokes to the Yellowstone Magic as a replacement hitter in the event of an incineration.

Some fans theorize that Bonk represents a union of the many souls that once fueled Gritty's apotheosis, but Jokes seems uninterested in answering such queries, or is perhaps too internally conflicted to formulate an answer that might satisfy the majority of them.

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