Blood Hamburger/Rumor Registry
Blood Hamburger has 5 Rumors written about so far.
Blood Hamburger (born Bloodius Hamburgeoisie) comes from the esteemed Hamburgeoisie family. After a childhood incident, Blood was constantly covered in a thick layer of goo from an undetermined source. Throughout his schooling years, Blood was constantly bullied with nicknames such as "Goober" and "Drippy," fueling his trademark unquenchable rage.
When Blood turned 118, he moved out of his childhood home of Hamburgeoisie Manor and cut all ties with his family, changing his legal name to Blood Hamburger. When asked in an interview about his estrangement, Blood stated, "I just didn't vibe with my family." He proceeded to list his problems with his sixteen siblings, two parents, two step-parents, four and a half grandparents, five aunts, seven uncles, and an impossible number of cousins.
Blood is known for his carefree attitude, veganism, and his farm, Hamburger Ranch, where he raises cows and chickens. Last year, his cow (Blood II) took home the blue ribbon in the Best Cow competition at Charleston County Fair. Blood describes the ribbon as his "pride and joy," and can be seen wearing it during games.Blood's pregame ritual involves eating grass. When asked about this habit, Blood said, "I do it to establish a mental link with my cows before playing. My strength comes from them."
Hamburger, also known as "The Burg," is an unknown humanoid entity, always seen covered in a thick layer of blood that disguises their precise form.
Hamburger was first spotted emerging from the Charleston Hazardous Meat Disposal Site, whereupon they slowly began forming recognizable limbs (or potentially psuedopods) and began dragging themselves towards Choux Stadium, arriving just in time to witness the Incineration of Blankenship Fischer and be recruited by the Shoe Thieves to replace the deceased Enamaloid. They have proved to be a formidable player, and as such manager Cornelius Games has instructed all other Shoe Thieves players to "not mention the smell."
Suspicions Within The Team
By most accounts, physically, Blood Hamburger is an unremarkable, run of the mill blaseball player, standing an average ████ high, with ██ hair and ███ eyes. However, on rare occasion, some members of the Shoe Thieves have raised concerns about Hamburger:
“I dunno, there’s just something sort of...off about him. Like, his skin, right? It doesn’t seem to have...I don’t know, maybe it’s nothing.” - Esme Ramsey
“I was looking at him for a little while, yeah? And get this! I swear I saw blood running down out of his right eye. Looked like there was some coming from his fingernails too. Hurt my head to look for that long. Went to wipe my eyes, and my hand came away with some of my own...hah, you know what? Never mind, right? It’s been a little too long since a siesta.” - Stu Trololol
“Eh, I think we should cut them some slack.” - Antonio Wallace
The Burg is most famous for the hamburger named after them sold in the stands of Shoe Thieves games, which consist of a patty on a damp bun, soaked in what is advertised as a mix of lamb, cow, and human blood, but which some biologists claim is actually a mix of ketchup and several previously unidentified forms of transbiological material. The Blood Hamburger Blood Hamburger has been responsible for three recorded deaths and several dozen hospitalizations. However, those so afflicted universally insisted that the Blood Hamburger Blood Hamburger was not to blame, and repeatedly asked family members and hospital staff for "just one more mouthful of the soft flesh", and the Blood Hamburger Blood Hamburger is still sold in the stands.
Blood Hamburger is a strict vegan and animal rights activist and on several occasions has attempted to halt the sale of the Blood Hamburger Blood Hamburger, occasionally going so far as to assault vendors of the hamburger in the stands while screaming "be free, my children". Management has not responded to these incidents, nor to allegations that the meat in Blood Hamburger Blood Hamburgers is sources from Blood Hamburger themselves.Blood Hamburger specializes in stealing saddle shoes.
WARNING There have been reports of individuals suffering adverse effects (memory loss, feelings of dread, unexplained bleeding) after studying Blood Hamburger for too long. Proceed with caution!
Hamburger is an unassuming figure, reminiscent of that classic 70s-era blaseball player everyone knows and loves. Some witnesses find their lack of eyebrows and fingernails unsettling, while others squirm at their too-sharp smile, or complain that they "look sort of squishy". Most agree that Hamburger is “pretty normal, I think”.
It is rumoured that Hamburger is actually made of raw meat, dripping with blood that spreads and oozes
and oh god where is it coming from These claims are difficult to verify as the blood pouring from the witnesses’ eyes may have obscured their vision, and accounts vary wildly after blinking or looking away. These conflicts in appearance are reported more often just before Hamburger is up to bat. In one particularly disturbing account, “their human form just sloughed off, leaving a formless mass of bloody raw hamburger meat with eyes”.
Other Shoe Thieves players have mentioned similar encounters. Esme Ramsey notably said:
"Hamburger? Great guy, nice as heck and what a swing. Couldn't ask for a better teammate than 'ol Bloody Burger. Though you don't want to stare at him too long, or the, y'know. You've seen it? The blood. Leaking out everywhere. Like a rusty bucket finally giving way. Like a river. Like...like an ocean...like the sky is an ocean of blood, and...and it's gonna start raining. It's--i mean, you've seen that, right? It's just, ol' Hamburger. Great guy."
Hamburger has been described as “kind of boring”, mostly owing to their conversations revolving around the weather, laundry, and blaseball tactics. They have been working on the same
blood soaked 1,000,000-piece puzzle for several years.
Blood engages in the pre-game ritual of eating grass. He does this because he wants to be the best Hamburger he can be, and eats grass to be more like a cow. He does not actually enjoy eating grass, which explain why his vibes are often low.
PronunciationBlood Hamburger has occasionally been heard to protest, "Guys, come on, it's pronounced Blude Hamberzher. It's European. Please stop calling me BLOOD HAMBURGER, that's super gross." The rest of the team, as well as management and announcers, appear to be finding it difficult to either receive or retain this information due to the constant noise, distractions, and dimensional shifts.
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