Backwoods Broker

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Backwoods Broker is a lineup player for the Pandemonium Artists.

Official League Records

Broker joined Internet League Blaseball as a hitter for the Pandemonium Artists during the inaugural Coffee Cup.


After the Westward centerline of a Midwestern freeway collapsed into a ten-foot-wide liquid asphalt sinkhole, local authorities only managed to shut down the road after the loss of two vehicles. While all passengers managed to survive by diving out of their cars and wading through the newly-formed pavement swamp, both vehicles were pulled into the depths within a span of twenty minutes — no salvage was ever recovered. The road remained closed (by way of detour) for six summer months as the construction company that had paved the road twenty years prior attempted to investigate why an otherwise entirely normal road would suddenly devolve into a viscous basin of molten asphalt.

Movement patterns in the asphalt changed at the end of one particularly hot August, and after weeks of slow-churning currents in the liquid portion of the road's centerline area, an amorphous horse-like creature hauled itself out of the depths and onto the solid blacktop. While the butcher knife driven cleanly through his head didn't seem to bother him, his first few moments "alive" were spent immediately preoccupied with a wealth of nebulous troubles and emotional woes. As Broker has never been able to confirm his actual involvement with any of the horrible tales he spends the majority of his time mulling over, he seems to exist as a physicalized storage for detached experiences of pain.

Following his emergence, Broker was forcibly drafted into the Internet League's Pandemonium Artists team under the pretense that his pavement swamp had perhaps been him "clawing his way up from the Pandemonium circle of hell, and no one actually gets to leave Pandemonium." Social rehabilitation for Broker has involved a team of league-appointed therapists that are attempting to work through his intense rage issues as though Broker is a human person, and not a horse-thing made of pavement.


  • Broker is entirely made of slow-moving liquid asphalt. It's warm to the touch (but no longer molten) and extremely flammable, allowing Broker to regularly set fire to his bats during games.
  • To keep his calm during games (a rather hard task for him), Broker usually bats with earbuds in.
  • Due to his long-term anger issues, Broker is not permitted to publicly interact with fans.
  • Broker has no vital signs — no pulse, no regular breathing patterns, no blood pressure, no standard body temperature.
  • Rather than having normal equine teeth, Broker has a full set of razor-sharp Canidae teeth.
  • While he's still rather bad at communicating and establishing good rapport with his teammates, Broker is on good terms with Y3hirv Hafgy2738riv, as Broker finds it rather fascinating to watch Y3hirv shotgun Monster Energy drinks out behind the Pandemonium practice field when they're supposed to be training.
  • He prefers to be called "Backwoods."
  • Broker doesn't like you.