Adalberto Tosser/IF-81.43

History

Tosser is beloved by countless blaseball fans but banned from almost every bar in town. His "rambunctious antics" off the field have made him something of a regular figure in the scandal pages and gossip blogs, but is it is largely agreed among fans and splorts journalists that this doesn't detract from his reputation as a solid, respectable, thoroughly middling player.

Early Life

Tosser was born Adalberto Tossas in Pittsburg, Georgia to a Dominican-American family. He had no noticeable birth defects, however, as he grew older, his right arm began to grow at a much more rapid pace than his left. By the time he was turned 13, his arm had grown to 4 feet in length and showed no sign of stopping. It was at this point that his junior high school art teacher encouraged him to try out for high school blaseball.

Despite maintaining a 2.84 ERA in high school, Tosser opted to pursue art, rather than blaseball, in college, attending the Maryland Institute College of Art. He was expelled within his first year for creating a piece the college's dean could only refer to as "too perfect for human eyes." Following his expulsion, Tosser was quickly drafted by the Baltimore Crabs.

Certain followers of The Olde One believe that Tosser is not Adalberto's last name but rather a title bestowed on a chosen one in each generation. According to these beliefs, previous Tosser incarnations include bird fan Edgar Allan Poe and filmmaker John Waters.

Adalberto is said to have realised their Tosser destiny when a swarm of porcelain crabs emerged from their bathroom wall, shifted in the form of a giant eye and winked at him.

Professional Career

Since joining the Crabs, Tosser's right arm has continued to grow at a rapid pace. However, potentially as a byproduct of his carcinization, when the forearm reaches around 7 feet in length, with a violent crack, the segment bends at the center to form an additional elbow. The segmented upper arms, which at this point cease to grow further, are almost constantly folded in like an accordion. Tosser has immaculate balance despite his grossly asymmetrical frame.

Tosser's right forearm is 6 feet long below the elbow, and continues to grow at a rate of approximately 2 inches per year. This arm is widely attributed for being the key to his legendary pitching success, as demonstrated in the final game of Season β2. Tosser only pitches with his right arm, preferring to throw to teammates with his left arm after what other Crabs refer to as "The Swiss Cheese Incident."

Two popular fan chants associated with Adalberto Tosser are "Tosser's gonna toss ya' / 'em / it" and "Adal-berto" followed by two claps, spaced two beats apart, and then three claps, spaced 1/4 of a beat apart.

In XX43, Tosser pioneered the "hardball", a pitch exclusive to the Crabs in which the ball is filled with a small crustacean who pilots it on its way to the batter. The ball's pilot does not count as a player, as while the rulebook specifically allows crabs to play blaseball, there's no rules against them choosing not to even while technically participating in the splort.

In Literature

Crabs poet Laureate Runolfio Peeper wrote the following poem about Tosser:

Adalberto's arm has grown
And given him a mighty skill
That otherwise has been unknown

And each year a new milestone
As we discover it is still
The case his arm has grown

And Crab scribes say it is unknown
Is Tosser a title, from God's will
Or just a last name, all his own

His social scandal is full-blown
You’ll find him rowdy, drinking swill
And bragging of his arm that's grown

This arm delivers to the zone
And getting longer, we do thrill
It will continue 'til unknown

And I think it is clearly shown
His pitches may a player kill
We know his arm is not yet grown
And thus his future's all unknown