Abner Pothos/Rumor Registry
Rumors
Abner Pothos has 5 Rumors written about so far.
Abner Pothos/IF-25.280
Lil' Roadies Interview
Excerpt from the Lil' Roadies Lil' Magazine front-page interview "Garages Gain Grumpy Geezer," written by Lil' Roadie Lee Rosenthal, age 6. The article ran on Gods' Day, Season 24.
LEE ROSENTHAL: Hi!
ABNER POTHOS: [expletive]! [expletive], you just about scared the daylights out of me…
LR: It's okay. I won't tell Ollie you said a cuss even though I'm not supposed to know cusses. My first question is about how come you were in the big game when you didn't used to play?
AP: Who are you? Is this an interview?
LR: [silence]
AP: I — it's because I didn't play in this league.
LR: Oh. How come?
AP: I'm old.
LR: Like my grampas?
AP: Older.
LR: Cool. Are you a gramparent too? For the pitcher lady from Becken— Becka— Beckeritch?
AP: Mmh.
LR: I'm gonna write down that you said yes because I think you said yes.
AP: What — hold on. Oy, kids. [sighs] We're related. Distantly, I think. We met, but, well, I was never that involved with family before all this. Antarctica, and all. I got her a card with some money in it for her birthday. I think that's all she and I have the room for right now.
LR: I wanna get a card with some money for my birthday. I always just get itchy sweaters even though they're itchy.
AP: … Hmm. Do you want some keys?
LR: Like car keys?
AP: Just keys on a ring. Here, look — I'm psychic, so—
LR: Sidekick?
AP: Hah! Not me. Psychic — it means I can make things fly with my brain. Even myself. Picked it up back in Antarctica, it… ah. Well, never mind that. I take the keys off the ring and put them back on; here, you try. It's relaxing. Watch your fingers there.
LR: I can't make them fly though.
AP: It's still relaxing to do it with your hands.
LR: Cool.
AP: … well, if that's it, then—
LR: Oh! Oh, yeah, I'm s'posed to ask one more question. How come you joined the Garages?
AP: Hah. I wish I knew. I never heard of this team, you know. The Millennials, the Jazz Hands, I know them. We were in the old league together. The Moist Talkers, well, I don't know when they went to Canada, but I was around when they appeared. I heard about the Firefighters after we — ah, well, my point being that I never heard of any "Garages" until I ended up here with Jimmy and that cactus after the game.
LR: Huh. I heard of the Garages since before I was three because we go to the games. I like Tot Clark because he's cool and one time he hit a ball and I got it.
AP: … alright then.
LR: Okay bye!
Abner Pothos/IF-37.433
Teammates' Reactions
Excerpt from "4 minutes and 20 seconds of the garages talking about their funny new grandparent 🥺," a compilation of other fans' clips posted by YouTuber laynafanforever. Several clips were rendered partially inaudible by the accompanying music. The compilation was posted on Day 3, Season 24.
[Theodore Duende addresses reporters at a press conference.]
"Abner's doing alright. We're trying to give it space; a lot of things have changed in the league since its time, obviously, and it's never had to bat before… what? No, no, we're doing fine."
[Malik Destiny chats with some fans while waiting in the on-deck circle.]
"— learning guitar? Hell yeah, keep at it, dude. It — what? Oh, Abner? Abner's cool, you know? Kinda grumpy and old sometimes, like 'back in my day,' but it actually gets along with Betsy, which, I mean, that's crazy. It used to run a union for magicians, so that's back up and running and — oh, no, Betsy doesn't do magic, they just like yelling at people in meetings. One time — oh, I'm up. Good swing, Jimmy! Don't sweat it! Anyway, see you!" [Destiny skips up to bat.]
[Marion Shriffle talks with some roadies for a local music show while they set up cameras.]
"Abner and I don't get along all that much, and that's fine. It's good having someone keeping you in check. Hey! Don't put that there, it's straining the wires — no, the other way! There you go. Good job. Anyway, what was I saying? Abner, right, Abner… I couldn't tell you. I just get frustrated — it wasn't around to see everything we've gone through, and it's got a chip on its shoulder sometimes. It didn't believe The Shelled One was even real at first."
[Magi Ruiz and Fitzgerald Wanderlust sign some autographs for a trio of customers at Wanderlust's shop.]
"Oh, I mean, I've been kind of busy working with OLL-E, but Abner seems nice — Fitz, have you talked to it much?"
"I have. We share a certain understanding, I like to think. It has a mindset of the past, which can be a good thing. But it's from a time when Hexes ran rampant, and that leaves someone rather jaded when it comes to questions of unity."
[Wyatt Mason X and Oliver Loofah share a basket of nachos outside a local restaurant as a fan approaches.]
"Abner? I dunno — MaX, don't choke on your chips, sheesh. Uh, I dunno, Abner and MaX have—"
[MaX interrupts.] "Ugh, more like Abner and New Wyatt Mason, according to it…"
Abner Pothos/IF-41.958
Union Meeting Minutes
Excerpt from the meeting minutes of the Magicians' Union, as recorded by Betsy Trombone, uploaded to Betsy Trombone's Instlagram with the caption "doing very important work here." It was posted on Day 14, Season 24.
(2:30) Call to order: Meeting of Magicians' Union (Seattle Chapter) called by board member Abner Pothos at 2:30 P.M. on Day 14.
(2:31) Roll call: I conducted a roll call. The following members were present: Abner Pothos, Betsy Trombone, Felicity Davidson, Mint Shupe, Tadashi Kimura, Nandy Fantastic. The following honorary members were present: Malik Destiny. Addendum: Though not a stage magician by trade, Destiny is registered to attend meetings to discuss organizing tactics.
(2:36) Approval of minutes: I read the last meeting's minutes. Everyone got bored halfway through and decided they were "probably fine." The minutes were approved.
(2:41) New business: Nandy Fantastic proposed a resolution to partner with international wildlife organizations to ensure the proper care of doves, rabbits, and other animals materialized, transported, vanished, or otherwise affected by magic in the course of a magician's duties. Proposal seconded by Betsy Trombone and Abner Pothos. Discussion of the proposal began.
(3:19) Discussion continued.
(3:35) Discussion continued. Shortlist of potential wildlife organizations formed.
(3:40) Discussion continued.
(4:01) Discussion continued.
(4:20) New business: Mint Shupe called attention to the time and proposed a resolution to alter the flow of time in the Immaterial Plane to magically alter time such that hours would be seventy minutes long, so that clocks could say 69 sometimes. Proposal seconded by Betsy Trombone and Felicity Davidson. Discussion of previous proposal adjourned. Discussion of the new proposal began.
(4:47) Discussion continued.
(5:12) Proposal rejected due to potential ramifications for meeting schedule, potential ramifications for flow of space-time continuum, and infeasibility. Mint Shupe called Abner Pothos a boomer. Arguing ensued.
(5:22) Abner Pothos and Betsy Trombone realized they were 22 minutes late for band practice.
(5:23) Meeting declared a resounding success and adjourned.Abner Pothos/IF-66.409
KGAR Report
Excerpt from the postgame recap broadcast by Garages radio station KGAR, hosted by Demilade Dasaolu and Kevin Park. The interview aired after the game on Day 19, Season 24.
PARK: Hi, I'm Kevin Park with KGAR. Fans in Seattle and across the league have speculated as to the relationship between Abner Pothos and Parker MacMillan the First, who arrived in Seattle late yesterday. As a member of the Pre-Historic Antarctic Fireballs, it was Pothos's team that hexed MacMillan with the Firewalker modification. And, of course, it was that same modification that led to the Hawai'i Fridays' incineration just days ago — right, Demilade?
DASAOLU: That's right, Kevin. The city's decision to remain open to MacMillan's Super Roamin' raised some eyebrows, especially in the wake of two team incinerations in as many weeks. But the team affirmed their commitment to staying open after MacMillan's arrival last night. So far, Pothos hasn't been willing to comment on the matter — one of our junior reporters visited the Seattle Shadows Co-op to request an interview with Pothos. It reportedly muttered something about "having union work to do," tied our correspondent's shoelaces together telekinetically, and shuffled away while they were distracted. That's blaseball players for you! Kevin, you were down in the Big Garage today; were you able to get a hold of Parker?
PARK: Nope! A few reporters were invited into the dugout at the end of the game, but he declined to answer our questions. The only quote we got was, "I, uh, I gotta, uh, you know, theremin practice." The Seattle Theremin Appreciation Club will be happy to hear some new sounds in the band, but I'm sorry to say there's no gossip to be had about Pothos and MacMillan yet.
DASAOLU: Further requests for comment were rebuffed by the Garages' recent recruit Marion Shriffle. She explained that the team was unlikely to hold press conferences until Mike Townsend and Oliver Mueller were safely free of Observation. Indeed, today's game has left Seattle fans worried, with two team mainstays hit by Niq Nyong'o's Debt. Sources on the ground say…
[end of excerpt]Abner Pothos/IF-97.098
Steely Dads! Interview
Excerpt from Steely Dads! episode #{null}, "Mulling Over Nulling: Pre-Historical Perspectives on the End of the World with Abner Pothos," hosted by Greer Gwiffin. The episode was recorded on Day 97, Season 24 and uploaded following the Garages' Nullification on Day 98, Season 24.
GREER GWIFFIN: Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't fade for Shadows. And that's really fascinatin' to me because — because Parker was just gone, y'know, and for a lot of the team, I figure that's the first time they've been unstable. Malik, he's downright used to it by now, I'd bet, and probably Alaynabella's felt it once, but it's only a week. Then it happens again, and again, it's only a week. And now everyone's got it for a third time, y'know, at minimum. But if you're a Shadow, well—
ABNER POTHOS: It never goes away.
GG: Right. I was about to ask, if you're willin' to talk?
AP: I've been unstable before, with the Fireballs.
GG: Right, right.
AP: When it first hits you, you think… you think I'm never going to forget this. Even if I make it out, I'll always remember this exact feeling.
GG: Like ridin' a bike.
AP: Mmh. Not as fun.
GG: Sure.
AP: You think that, and then… well, I've never felt it fade. So maybe, in a sense, I don't have that perspective that Malik has, or that Tot… had. But when Parker left again—
GG: "Again" bein' the first time for the Garages, the second time for you?
AP: Yes. When he left, it hit me all over again and — you do forget. Maybe not if it's only a couple weeks between, but for me? It's been so long that memories couldn't do it justice. It was — well, it really hit me. All I could think was…
GG: Take your time.
AP: I thought they were too soft. Parker being out, the world falling apart around them, and they were just cheering and rocking out. A few came right out and told me I was being disrespectful of all the crap they'd been through, and, well, we butted heads a few times after that.
GG: I bet. We went through a lot even before I started traveling. And after? I miss 'em, I do, but I'd be lyin' if I said I wish I'd been there for Season β15.
AP: Hah! Don't get me started on Consumers. All this is to say… going unstable again was one of the worst things that happened to me all season. And these kids are still out here on the active roster getting attacked, getting "Redacted" off to who knows where, blood draining and black holes expanding and everything else, and on top of that they're fighting through eclipses while they go unstable again every other week.
GG: It's a different league.
AP: It's a different league. I've still got some issues with how they do things, but I wish I'd believed them sooner.
GG: You apologize yet?
AP: I did.
GG: Good on you. That's a Gwisdom, y'know, one of the best ways to take self-care of, uh, of yourself, is by showin' you have self-care — I mean, showin' you care for your team. Especially when things are lookin' the way they've been lookin' all season, like tomorrow might be too late.
AP: Oy vey.
GG: Oy [expletive] vey.
GG: … Hey, that new kid with the fish tell you about the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus yet?
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