Nerd Pacheco

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Nerd Pacheco is a lineup player for the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Pacheco has been a member of the team since Season 1, where they began as a two star player.

Official League Records

Season 3

During Season 3, on Day 47, Pacheco swallowed a stray peanut while batting, improving their rating to .

Season 8

During Season 8, on Day 19, Pacheco siphoned some of San Francisco Lovers batter Kennedy Meh's batting ability in a game with Blooddrain weather, bringing it from  to .

Season 9

During the Season 9 Election the Hellmouth Sunbeams received the Mutually Arising blessing, which increased Pacheco's baserunning and defense by .

Season 10

During the Season 10 Election the Sunbeams received the Sharing Signs blessing, which increased Pacheco's batting to .

Coffee Cup

During the Coffee Cup, Pacheco played for the Cold Brew Crew as a lineup player.

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

History

Nerd Pacheco always received good grades in school. In interviews, Pacheco ascribes this not to his intelligence, but instead because his specific form of anxiety causes him to study very hard for any subject he is being tested on. Pacheco maintains that he is very knowledgeable, but he is not very smart.

Pacheco went by his last name for most of his life, but he received the nickname "Nerd" from his Blittle League team. After Pacheco was chosen to move on to the Hellmouth Sunbeams, he legally changed his first name to Nerd in order to remember his time with his team.

Time in Hellmouth

Shortly after moving to the Hellmouth, Pacheco Adapted saguaro cactus-like antlers that allow him to store water for a long lengths of time. Pacheco's antlers were one of the few sources of water in the Hellmouth, prior to the opening of Hahn Fox's backyard pool.

Pacheco has maintained a reputation as a meticulous planner, and is the sole author of the Hellmouth Sunbeams Comprehensive Emergency Manual. It is two feet thick, detailing responses to every conceivable emergency that may occur in the Hellmouth and in the normal course of Blaseball. The only other contributor was Nagomi Nava, who gave it an editing pass based on knowledge conferred to her by her Precognition.[1]

Pacheco's Honorary Degrees

Shortly after moving to the Hellmouth, the Hellmouth Community College awarded Pacheco an honorary degree in philosophy. After this award, Pacheco shut himself in his house for many weeks, emerging only for games of Blaseball. After this period, Pacheco hosted a guest lecture at the college on the nature of metameta-ethics. The Hellmouth Community College was so impressed, they offered Pacheco a part time job as their first professor of philosophy, and de facto head of department.

Pacheco has since been awarded many other honorary degrees by institutions from across the Immaterial Plane, as he is often assumed to have expertise in a discipline he only has tangential knowledge of, and ends up providing a passable explanation so as not to disappoint. To make sure he does not co-opt the title of "expert" and frustrate real experts on the topic, he undergoes rigorous study which, in a roundabout way, ends up leaving him an expert worthy of a degree in the matter.

This is a fork of the IRM, and chooses one story of many written by the Blaseball community when the page is loaded. Nerd Pacheco has been conferred a very large number of honorary degrees by academic institutions across the Immaterial Plane. If you would like to see a list of all honorary degrees conferred upon Nerd Pacheco, or add information about a degree Nerd has ben awarded; click Rumor Registry. If you would like to edit this entry, click Hon-M.FA in Creative Internal Narrative Fiction.
This system is based on the Interdimensional Rumor Mill, which can be read about at Interdimensional Rumor Mill.

Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing (Internal Narratives and Genre Studies, Noir elective)

''Nerd "Guns" Pacheco smirked as they chewed on their cigarette-flavored gum and smoked their gum-flavoured cigarette. They'd done it again. Nobody did it better than Nerd "6'4 and Cool Guns" Pacheco, the greatest detective this side of Detectivetown and also better than anyone on the other side of Detectivetown. What had they done? Don't worry about it.''

"Strike one, looking!"

''Nerd "The Biggest Guns of All" Pacheco hated distractions almost as much as they hated unsolved cases, and they hated unsolved cases almost as much as they hated the third thing they hated. But the customers of varying genders loved Nerd " " Pacheco, and they loved them back but in like a cool way because they were cool and didn't want to come across as being too into it. Nerd kicked their feet back on their desk (made of guns) and reminisced for three hours about the time they solved the case of Alaynabella's missing vape pen, and then they reminisced some more and stared out the window and everything was slow and black and white and their face was reflected on the window.''

"Strike two, looking!"

''Nerd "Other Weapons Are Cool, But It's Just Not The Same" Pacheco thought about how cool and tough they were. This one time a professional blaseball team had even seen them holding a bat in a cool way and asked them to sign with them? Everyone was super into it and Nerd totally signed the contract but in a cool ironic way because they don't do commitment, and obviously they weren't going to show up, where even was Moab anyway? Anyway their veins began to run hot and dry for a while after that, and they could see a bright light when they closed their eyes, and their customers would shake and hide when they spoke words of flame that burned their throat and the transformation began, but they got back to solving the case of the Insurrection Against The Light of Day soon enough, and everyone was like "hell yeah they're so cool."''

"Strike three! Out!"

''Nerd blinked and shook their head, imagining a darker time in which people hit blalls with blats and they toiled day and night for a terrible splorts team at the gates of Hell. Just another example of their dark and twisted imagination, probably. They walked away, coolly, with their guns, and felt the heat of the sun hot on their neck.''

''It was cool.''

Trivia

  • Pacheco's meticulous planning and research skills are a trait appreciated by his friends and acquaintances—one mentioned in passing to him a movie they enjoyed, and received a curated list of further movie recommendations two days later.
  • Pacheco has stated their favorite pastime is "just a good chat, listening and learning from folks about the things they're passionate about. Or philosophy."

Fan Art

References

  1. Nava later noted that some sections were kept unchanged despite half a dozen casualties, as that was "the best case scenario."