Mike Townsend
Mike Townsend was a lineup player for the Seattle Garages, and was with the team from Season β1 until being [REDACTED] on Season β24, Day 21.
Official League Records
Townsend joined the ILB as a pitcher for the Seattle Garages with the Return of Blaseball.
During the Season β6 elections Townsend "RETREAT[ED] TO SHADOWS" in exchange for Jaylen Hotdogfingers via the Lottery Pick blessing. Townsend had not been incinerated, and is the first player to exit active play without being incinerated.
During the Season β9 elections Townsend rejoined the Garages' active roster in exchange for Ortiz Morse as a result of the Out of Sight blessing.
During the Season β10 elections, Townsend retreated to the Garages' Shadows, this time in exchange for Goodwin Morin as a result of the Dark Star blessing.
During the Season β16 elections, Townsend rejoined the Garages' active roster in exchange for Alaynabella Hollywood as a result of the Garages' Foreshadow will.
On Season β18, Day 37, Townsend retreated to the Garages' Shadows in exchange for Terrell Bradley via The Hotdogfingers Memorial Climate Pledge Garage and Parking Facility's Fax Machine.
On Season β22, Day 79, Townsend joined the Garages' lineup in exchange for Kathy Mathews at The Hotdogfingers Memorial Climate Pledge Garage and Parking Facility via the Ratified Voicemail.
On Season β24, Day 19, Niq Nyong'o of the Philly Pies hit Townsend with a pitch, causing Townsend to be Observed. Later, after play ended on Day 21, Townsend disappeared from the Garages' lineup, and they were Redacted.
COMMUNITY REPORTSThe remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
History
After being blessed with pseudo-thumbs at the end of Season β2, Townsend earned his first win of the season in a 13-7 decision over the Hellmouth Sunbeams. He won his next two starts before losing his fourth, earning the nickname "Three and Oh Townsend". He is best known for being the nominal ace of the Garages pitching staff despite consistently being rated, at one star, among the worst pitchers in Internet League Blaseball.
Early in his career, Townsend had a two-pitch arsenal, consisting of two eephus pitches he insisted are different. After being blessed with pseudo-thumbs, he has developed what blaseball scouts think is a knuckleball.
Despite his subpar numbers and poor reputation, Townsend has performed well historically against slugger Jessica Telephone. The reason for this unlikely success is debated by fans.
In a Garages fan poll conducted sometime between Seasons 2 and 3, Townsend was named "the worst pitcher in the League, professionally and morally" despite there being several pitchers who are statistically worse than him. This has led some to believe that Townsend is among the most hated players in the history of Blaseball.
After Season 3, fan opinion on Mike Townsend started experiencing a sea change. "Mike Townsend Is a Credit To the Team" became a common response chant to the cries of Mike Townsend being a disappointment. When eventually asked about this change in opinion, Captain Theodore Duende responded:
Look, it's not that we didn't have bad blood with Mike. We did, but... when you look at what happened to us during Season 3. With Bennett, Derrick, Shaq, and Tiana especially all having been incinerated, we kind of looked at each other and went, "Does Mike really deserve this? Do we really want our last thoughts of him before he's incinerated to be about how we can't stand him?" I think we really came together as a more cohesive team in that moment, and even if sometimes we still have to get at Mike sometimes, it's more in good fun these days, than anything.
Music
Townsend is a former member of the Garages' band, Mike Townsend and the Seattle Garages[citation needed]. He was kicked out of the team band for "poor performance." Currently, he is the front man and sole member of The Who's on First (formerly known as The Way Cooler Anyway Mike Townsend Solo Project). During Season 2, the project released their first song, "My Name Is Mike".[1]
Townsend is the subject of three separate Garages songs. "Mike Townsend (Is a Disappointment)"[2] depicts Townsend as being a disappointment, a loser, and a total disgrace. This was eventually followed up by "Mike Townsend Is a Credit To the Team",[3] a response song commenting about Townsend's turnaround, remarking that "your redemption arc is coming up". The third song, Mike Townsend (Knows What He's Gotta Do),[4] is a tribute to Mike's trip to the shadows in exchange for Jaylen's return.
As of Season 4, Townsend has once again been reinstated as a member of the band, with the Garages' album "Redemption Arc" featuring both "Mike Townsend Is a Credit To the Team" and Mike's own solo release "My Name Is Mike".
Personal Life
Townsend was born in and currently lives in Bellevue, Washington. Some suspect that this is partially the reason for his limited Blaseball success and soured reputation.
Townsend once suggested the Garages change their name to the Seattle Bread, due to his love of whole wheat with extra seeds. This only increased the friction between Townsend and the rest of the Garages.
Townsend is a professional fighting game player, and has even been to EVO. Townsend also manages a YouTube channel, where he recreates early 2000's recipes from his home kitchen.
The Return of Jaylen Hotdogfingers
Mike Townsend was purportedly instrumental in the ritual to help bring back Seattle Mayor and star pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers. When approached for comment about the upcoming ritual following the Garages' loss to the Baltimore Crabs in the Season 6 Internet League Blaseball Finals, Townsend's comment was:
Well, rarely these things sort of go the way you want them to. If there's a price that's got to be paid, I'd rather I be the one who paid it, you know? I like to think I've come a long way, but Jaylen, you know, she was - is - something special.
Upon the Seattle Garages returning from the Void in the wake of the ritual conducted to bring back Hotdogfingers, Townsend was seen emerging from the tour bus with a massive egg, from which Hotdogfingers emerged shorly afterwards. He was then seen leaving shortly after celebrations started in the wake of Hotdogfingers' return. Documentation on what happened to Townsend in the wake of Hotdogfingers' revival is scarce. When asked, many members made sure to reiterate that Townsend was still on the team and still around, though many of them, when asked, could not directly remember the last time they had talked to him in the wake of the event. Oliver Mueller commented:
We're all just letting Mike kind of have his space, you know? The dude's been through a lot. He's one of the original members of the team, and it was kind of only just recently he had gotten some kind of respect, and gotten to be a part of the band again. I think he's got a lot of complicated emotions to work out.
Townsend was, expectantly, unavailable for comment.
Time in the Shadows
The beginnings of Townsend's time in the shadows were difficult. Townsend's uncertain role in returning Jaylen Hotdogfingers caused a part of himself to remain behind in the void, rendering him unable to play Blaseball according to league regulations. He was reported to have haunted the Big Garage during Season 7, slowly gaining more of his form, guiding team mates when he could. In Season 8, Townsend had enough of his form back to resume baking, and team members of the Garages could occasionally even perceive him. Quack Enjoyable was the first to report Townsend's presence after finding him baking bread in the abandoned Planera Bread behind first base one day. Enjoyable claimed they weren't aware there was anything off about Townsend, though this is possibly due to their magical nature. Other notable faces seen entering and exiting the Planera Bread include Allison Abbott, Betsy Trombone, and allegedly Arturo Huerta.
During Season 9, Townsend was approached by the newly shadowed Terrell Bradley about starting a restaurant together, Dad's Grill. Townsend would bake the buns, Bradley would cook the meats, and everyone would be happy. Townsend agreed and the two went on to create one of the cornerstones of the Big Garage, the Seattle Shadows Co-op.
Halfway through Season 9, star pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers flickered to the Canada Moist Talkers, sending Ortiz Morse to the team in her stead. Morse took to hanging around Dad's Grill, finding comfort in the homely atmosphere and the company Townsend and Bradley provided. Shortly after the loss of the post season playoffs, Morse confided in them that he wanted to pursue other things, put more time into his Smash Mouth cover band, Moist Mouth, but he wasn't sure how to go about it. Townsend commiserated and offered to take his spot on the roster. The two made the deal official, though it's unclear how, and Townsend was added to the Season 10 roster. Additionally the newest pitcher brought forth from the shadows, Lenny Marijuana, also attributes his return to blaseball to Townsend, though the connection remains unclear. There was an outpouring of support from fans and blaseball players alike, happy to see Townsend's return to the team.
During his time in the Seattle Shadows Co-op, Townsend encountered an unusual phenomenon where people would refuse to recognize him as Mike Townsend, instead marveling at how similar he looks to the famous Seattle Garages player, Mike Townsend. This has since carried over into his post shadows life. It has been speculated that this has caused some existential confusion, but when asked, Townsend has stated he finds the whole thing amusing.
Mike Townsend Reports
- Like any other star player, Townsend has been the recipient of numerous tabloid reports. Archivist Magi Ruiz has taken to digitizing and compiling the particularly memorable of them here. This time, the Interdimensional Rumor Mill reveals a Rumor from IF-37.403 out of its Rumor Registry...
LIL ROADIES LIL MAGAZINE EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION: What Secrets Lie Underneath Mike Townsend's Hat?
Dear Lil’ Roadies Lil’ Magazine,
Mike Townsend is my favorite pitcher tied with all the other Garages pitchers! But today I realized that I have never seen him not wearing a hat. What’s underneath Mike Townsend’s hat?
Your friend,
Tim U.
Dear Tim,
Thank you for writing in with such an important question! In an exclusive investigation conducted by Lil’ Roadies lead investigative reporter, Kenneth Midcentury (that’s me!), the Lil’ Roadies Lil’ Magazine has finally uncovered the mystery of what’s underneath Mike’s hat! We’ve consulted dozens of Seattle residents, read scholarly articles on the matter, and had our expert team follow Townsend everywhere we could until he politely but firmly asked us to stop. Our lead investigative reporter (that’s me!) even tried to sneak into his room at midnight to discover the truth, but was caught by Oliver Mueller and told to go to bed. No matter the setbacks, our team strove to discover the truth, and through hard work, perseverance, and a crucial interview with Townsend’s teammate Betsy Trombone, we’ve discovered it. Here’s what what went down:
KM: Betsy!
BT: Oh, hey Kenny [e/n: That’s me!]. What’s cookin?
KM: You’d consider yourself a good friend of Mike Townsend, right?
BT: As good a friend as anyone really could be, I suppose.
KM: Which means you’d have seen him without his hat on, right?
BT: I mean, sure!
KM: So then, tell our readers: what’s really under Townsend’s hat?
BT: Under… under his hat?
KM: Yeah. Tell us.
BT: … Well obviously Batatouille lives there.
KM: What?
BT: You really think Mike can function on his own? No way. He’s piloted by a tiny little guy named Batatouille who lives under his hat and pulls his hair to steer him around.
KM: Really?
BT: Yeah just ask him yourself. Anyway I gotta, uh, go to a location now. Bye!
KM: Bye Betsy!
Townsend was unable to comment on the matter, so the Lil' Roadies Lil' Magazine has decided to take Trombone’s words as fact. However, we are still undecided as to whether Batatouille is a rat (like the movie RatatouiIIe), a bat (like Rouge from Sonic), or a bat (like in blaseball). All three of these would explain why Townsend’s batting is much better than his pitching.
Well there you have it Lil' Readers! Another mystery solved.
Until next time,
Kenny Mid (that’s me!)
Fan Works
Mike Townsend's dream mech, the OCTO THUMB by @DericBindel
Mini-Blaseballer by @HetreaSky
Mike Townsend - He's a credit to the team!
Mike Townsend's card by Avery
Mikey by Ele
Mike Tlopps card by Ele
Mike Townsend Tlopps card by Rafael Calonzo Jr
Also, He Learned How To Solo
by @larkiiiine
Mike Townsend (Is Baking)
by @NovasterArt
when you see me you’ll yell by @squidbunting
Mike and Tillman mini by Sky
Tillman Henderson and Mike by Eli
Tillman (crab form) and Mike by Eli
Redacted Mike and Oliver Mueller, by Cori
Tillman Henderson and Mike by Eli
Mike working on his mech by Eli
Mike by Eli
References
