FASHION

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The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Manifestation

The Ephemeral Spirit of Fashion, often pronounced FASHION™®© apparated in Halifax shortly after Season 10 concluded, with the primary belief of it's manifestation being that the large concentration of fans being obsessed with awful fashion choices made it decide to roll up its sleeves and fix this itself.

A secondary theory is that Fish Summer ripped FASHION™®© into Halifax by finally becoming Too Hot.

Appearance

Given the nature of the concept of FASHION™®© being entirely subjective to mortals, it is difficult to nail a true form to FASHION™®© and as such we set out to capture it's true form, and at the cost of most of our photography equipment, we were able to capture this one picture. Unfortunately, as such, comes with the downside of being unable to capture photographs of FASHION™®© as seen by fans, and as such have hired a professional investigator to get a comprehensive look at each of the teams' fans' views of FASHION™®©

It must be noted that every answer is seen on an exceptionally attractive department store mannequin, which no one has ever seen move but seems to be mobile, unless otherwise stated

Canada Moist Talkers: All fans of the Moist Talkers demand I clarify that the following is Absolutely Soaked: All brown/black, wool sweaters, black pants, and holding a coffee cup. When I asked what was in the cup, I was told "What do you think?" Any other team, and it would be coffee, but I think we all know what's in this one

Miami Dale: The fans of the Dale were too busy celebrating with loud singing of any song that has [feat. Pitbull] in the title (note: no appearance of any song actually made by Pitbull) to respond, but I did receive texts from every person I asked linking https://www.pinterest.com/miamidale/. It is worth noting that I did not give out my number.

Chicago Firefighters: When asked, Firefighters provided the resounding answer of "Ya know, like a supa [sic] hot fiya [sic] fighta [sic]." From what I have gathered, it seems they see an extremely attractive firefighter, as if ripped from the pages of a model calendar, with several notable differences. Firstly is that his hat is insanely large, as if it were a 10-gallon hat made to deter flames. Of course the jacket is always open and flowing in the wind, and underneath is exclusively the WE ARE FROM CHICAGO booty shorts available at "Ya know, dat blaseball fan merch stoah thingy"

Kansas City Breath Mints: The most straightforward answer so far, every fan saw the mannequin as wearing the Blaseball Cares Bomber Jacket made for the Mints, as well as an outstanding pair of JNCO Jeans, which seems to be a common thread in many later teams.

Boston Flowers: The Flowers fans truly show what they follow the team for in this instance, as their answer was an absolutely delightful bouquet of clothing, with laurels, flower crowns, and dresses that have "Every kind of flower in the pattern." The fans have also noted a leather string bracelet with beads that appear to contain flower seeds of different varieties.

Hawai'i Fridays: I was surprised by the Fridays fans, as they were EXTREMELY passionate with their response, almost as if they saw the epitome of laid-back, and now must strive to reach it. The fans seem to have seen "aloha shirts, NEVER buttoned, above the knee floral cargo shorts, and NO SHOES. EVER." When I asked a fan whether the floral pattern was matching across items, I was immediately ejected from the stadium, a first in Fridays history.

Seattle Garages: All Garages fans were able to sum up the mascot in 3 words: "Punk As Hell." The Garages seem to see
FASHION™®© as a mohawked mannequin, with ripped jeans, a flannel tied around its waist, a studded leather jacket held over the shoulder passively, and specifically one Doc Marten shoe, and one Chuck Taylor shoe. All fans are insistent that all of this is bought from a thrift shop, although could not clarify how they knew when asked.

Breckenridge Jazz Hands: The Jazz Hands seem to have never left behind their flare for the dramatic, as when I asked what FASHION™®© was to them, they informed me that the mannequin was wearing either a dress made entirely out of rhinestones, or a tuxedo where every component is fully sequined, and I must say, this sounds like it is only marginally more painful to wear than it is to look at, but hey, I guess they always say FASHION™®© is pain.

Tokyo Lift: I asked a single fan and immediately everyone in the stadium started chanting "HIT MAN HART" for the next three hours, which I assume means that they see FASHION™®© as the literal form of Bret 'The Hitman' Hart, which suddenly makes their whole color scheme make sense

San Francisco Lovers: Keeping with the very strong Medieval vibe that the fans tend to have, this mannequin is seen with hot pink gauntlets and greaves, evidently not being used for protection, as the rest of the outfit is a pink pinstripe suit that has been, somehow, made into a crop top. Some fans have reported that when they look at the mannequin, it sometimes drops a sword-shaped blaseball bat, which has alarming implications about both FASHION™®©'s abilities, and also the fact that the fans see a weapon as peak fashion.

Yellowstone Magic: As expected, a wizard aesthetic is what the Magic see. Absolutely coated head to toe in moss, fashioned into capes, hiking boots, and an ascot. Concerningly, all of this has a fine patter of blood as an overcoat, particularly the ascot. There is also a concerning amount of bones, and a staff made of pruining shears, unclear if there is blood present there. Also mentioned is Bears, but when asked for clarification, every fan just repeated BEAR in a low monotone.

New York Millenials: In a strange and non-euclidian twist, the entirety of the fanbase sees FASHION™®© as an entire thrift store. Some contents from what I could gather are flannel shirts, jackets, socks, boxers, and hats, a bunch of Macklemore CDs, one spool of brown thread (half used), a paperclip, and kilts.

Philadelphia Pies: The Pies have the most... interesting response so far. Apparently the team sees FASHION™®© as wearing a large pair of JNCO jeans, a tuxedo print shirt that has been turned into a tank top through unclear means, an apron (presumably to protect these precious items of clothing during baking), and a battle jacket with "too many" patches. One fan said they saw the mannequin as wearing "Whipped cream," but when asked for clarification was immediately ejected from the stadium.

Dallas Steaks: True to their name, the Dads of Dallas see FASHION™®© as wearing a kiss the cook apron, hawaiian shirt (entirely buttoned), cargo shorts (khaki), socks and sandals, and a hat that reads "Women want me, Fish fear me" (which I do not recommend wearing to Gleek Arena, as Fish is a very literal person). This very similar look to the Fridays concerns me, especially with the extremely uncharacteristic fervor the Fridays have shown.

Hellmouth Sunbeams: Despite how hot a Hellmouth in the middle of a desert can get, the fans see Layers as the be all end all apparently, as they see a robed figure, wearing booty shorts (assumed to be blaseball cares merch) and a crop top over the robes, as well as the bomber jacket from blaseball cares, adorned with bones (When asked if the bones were jewelry, I was laughed at, when asked if they were animal bones, the laughter intensified. I am afraid.) an indeterminate amount of rings, often stated as MANY, and seem to be glowing from underneath the robes, assumed to be some sort of lighting.

Unlimited Tacos: The shortest answer, yet the most striking description of all: 90's Taco Bell. I can only picture the jazz design on every item accompanied with randomly colored Loud shapes.

Charleston Shoe Thieves: Being a personal fan of the Shoe Thieves, I can answer this one quickly. FASHION™®© is exactly what you'd expect and the last thing you want: Just shoes, nothing else, but those shoes are the freshest kicks you own.

Hades Tigers: This one is interesting; if any more than one Tigers fan enters Gleek Arena while FASHION™®© is manifested, a piercing screech rings out, and does not stop until at most one fan remains, given an immense divide in fashion between two factions of fans: One faction sees FASHION™®© as a canadian tuxedo (terminology used by the fans) over a crop top, with the denim jacket being the Landry Violence jacket, while the other faction sees what can only be described as "An outfit of the Utmost EXXTRAVAGENCEEE [sic]." This causes FASHION™®© to flicker bouncing between 3 forms at all times, and causes immense pain.

Mexico City Wild Wings: All reports suggest that the following is entirely "soaked in hot sauce stains" which I am struggling to comprehend; A cape entirely formed of wet napkins (asked for clarification on whether they meant moist towelettes, was assured they meant wet napkins, "but not the paper kind"), a graphic flames tee, cargo jorts, frosted tips, a visor, wraparound sunglasses, and chicken bucket boots, "but with holes for the toes, and the bottom is the lid." I am currently attempting to verify whether or not this is FASHION™®©, or Guy Flieri visiting Gleek Arena for his blaseball-themed show.

Houston Spies: This is without a doubt the hardest Ive ever worked for a job. The spies were the first ones I interviewed, and they only responded with blinking in code. After 20,000 fans had passed, I had a code that I took to a professional decryptor, who provided me with a riddle, which led me to 3 different websites, which gave me another code which led me to a 4th website that was running an emulation of the Atari game missile command, which I had to beat 3 times in a row in order to be given this image:

The Expansion Era:

I was so sure I had finished pursuing this, to be completely honest, terrifying show of style and ultimate power over the aesthetic realm, but on the day that the sky split and the Crabs fell, I knew my job had to continue. ~~Lord knows what kind of nightmare they have in store for me, I know what carcinization means~~.

The Baltimore Crabs: This was extremely pleasant actually, and I have never indicated otherwise. The Crabs, despite claiming to be bad, offered up a surprisingly adorable description of famed player Tot Fox wearing a delightful cartoonish crab hat, and the thought alone has entirely changed my attitude about how much work this job will be.

ADDENDUM : There has been a sighting of an alternate instance of FASHION spotted at a recent game where the Crabs were down in points. It seems that while Crab Good, FASHION™®© appears as Tot Fox in a delightful hat, but when Crab Bad, the usual embodiment of a mannequin appears in their stead, but in this scenario appearing as a borderline horrific entity that can only be described as “Hard Shelled and Sent From Hell” to match the fans need for more offensive capabilities. This is an interesting development, as when needed, FASHION™®© becomes unto Crab

The Core Mechanics: The Core was a little hard for me to get a flight to, but surprisingly, not impossible, but this isn’t the place to talk about flights for the destination of “Down”. The Mechs have always been the best at rummaging up whatever I need, and in this case, they actually made a camera that can capture the form of FASHION™®©! Unfortunately I decided to leave it there absolutely on purpose and for no reason that I need to share, and as such I’ll need to document this in the usual way. The Mechs see FASHION™®© as an entity of perfection in a way anyone in their position would envy, with pockets for absolutely everything, and I mean everything, you could possibly need. Visible contents of these pockets include, but are not limited to,

A pincushion in the shape of the Core
Screws
A hammer
A jackhammer
A mer-ham (assumed to be obtained from Atlantis)
Pliers
Pilers
Compilers
Compliers
A fully functional sewing machine its using as a bat, and also to make shirts at 99mph

Also notable is that it appears that the entire outfit is constructed of materials that fans have previously left in The Pillars, notably items with other teams logos on them, fashioned into pockets. It is hard to parse if FASHION™®© has done such as a sign of respect or intimidation. Some fans even claim to have seen pockets fashioned from steel and in some cases some form of Plasteel, long sought and considered to be an impossible material. Given this development, a considerable amount of Core fans have decided to maintain a close eye on the mascot, ostensibly to learn from it, or to divine any needs that FASHION™®© might need, as they’ve observed signs of sentience^{[citation denied, too scary]}.

The Ohio Worms: The Worms are another one of those where you’d really think you have them 100% nailed until the moment you begin your research, at which point you find out you’re like 50% on the money. The Worms see a figure that can only be described as ~~Loaming~~ Looming, standing at a terrifying 5 feet tall, which doesn’t sound like much until you realize that like half of the mannequin is currently in dirt and not standing on a mound of it. You see, this form, FASHION™®© is overflowing with dirt, with more seemingly pouring out of the pockets. Nobody is sure how long the dirt has been pouring, and nobody is prepared to know, but rest assured it shows no sign of stopping. You might wonder, “well dang Mx. Investigator, you sure didn’t say any clothing there, what kind of pockets is the dirt coming from?” and boy do I have good news for you, whoever I’m delivering these notes to, I was able to talk to a few fans who fervently dug away at the dirt to prove a point, and I can tell you: It’s literally all denim. All of it. Jeans, Jassless chaps, Jorts on top of that, a denim undershirt under a denim Jjacket [sic], a Jig (jean wig) under a Jat (jean hat), its all denim, all pocketed, all soiled with dirt.

The Atlantis Georgias: And i thought the Spies were difficult to obtain. Not only did I spend weeks trying to find out where Atlantis even is (answer, literally any body of water. I found THAT out while trying to take a relaxing bath after a day of lost leads and wound up in Atlantis Town Square.) and then after all that I had to parse and decode what all the fans were telling me. You see, there are 4 consistencies in every appearance of FASHION™®© and those are that every item is wrong, nothing matches, there are “sharks” which I STILL don’t understand from the Yellowstone visit and their bears, and there is, and this is a direct quote, “FAR TOO MUCH FISHNET” said with a massive and borderline threatening smile. Some even said that between blinks outfits shifted, and shifted yet again once they began blinking in disbelief. Reported outfits have contained items such as:

A floral patterns woven out of elastic
A Cowboy hat made entirely from OOZE!™ cans
a Greco-Roman toga made entirely of specifically gum rubber
A Victorian Era ballgown woven entirely of fishing line
A waistcoat woven with eyepatches
An antique divers helmet made of frozen OOZE!™ along with a tricorn hat made of fire(????)
A cape made of interconnected plastic pirate toys of the ██████ brand

CONCLUSION:

I still know absolutely nothing about FASHION™®©, why did I take a job from S.P.I.T.?? I should’ve known it would be impossible. I’m still no closer to understanding how this thing works, draws power, why its stuck around so long… I dont get any of this. At least I’m not on ~~squid~~ dog duty.