Declan Suzanne/IF-99.124

History

Declan Suzanne, unfortunately, grew up in Schaumburg, Illinois. As a child, he became very attached to his XBox; as such, he is rarely seen without either it, an XBox controller, or a pink gaming headset with sequined cat ears. About two weeks after getting his XBox, Suzanne was admitted to the hospital for fear that he had consumed an illegal and unholy amount of Mountain Dew Code Red.

Suzanne frequently attends conventions, including Dashcon, where he was drawn by the promise of one of his favorite game developers attending. However, the developer cancelled their panel last-minute. He may or may not have urinated in the ball pit, mistaking it for a strangely-placed latrine. Photographic evidence is unfortunately lacking. Suzanne has refused to comment on the matter, saying that he is under advisement from legal counsel to not give any statements, despite having never been seen in the presence of a lawyer. The event was, allegedly, the happiest moment of his life, besides when he got his XBox.

After self-publishing a series of critically panned blaseball-themed romance novels, Suzanne found himself at Flyre Festival. He had inadvertently fallen asleep on an inflatable raft on the Chicago River, clutching his XBox console to his chest. He floated all the way down the Mississippi and ended up in the Gulf of Mexico, where ocean currents carried him to the Flyre Festival. Lacking an invitation, he intended to leave. But, when he heard the name of the festival, he was compelled to stay, convinced that there was a fire that needed to be extinguished. This semi-heroic action, if bumbling and misinformed, was what put him on the radar of Internet League of Blaseball recruiters, and his attempts to put out attendees’ campfires confirmed his recruitment as a Chicago Firefighter.

He always appears both on and off the field with his sword, whose name he says is a powerful secret, but it is apparent that it's just a sword he bought from the flea market. The batting coaches often get angry at Suzanne during practice, as he stands around swinging his sword and making "whoosh" sounds instead of doing batting practice. He insists in interviews that he is not disappointed that fans respect his sword's privacy and don't want to know more about it.

Suzanne steadfastly refuses to pay full price for anything, often annoying teammates by asking to borrow money and asking to sleep on their couch. All the Firefighters team members have to keep their things locked up because Suzanne is always borrowing and then losing them. Suzanne even stole a peanut from Baby Triumphant, a literal child, and even after having an anaphylactic reaction did it again thinking it wouldn't happen a second time.

Suzanne can often be found after Firefighters games hitchhiking home from the stadium or rooting through the lost and found to find items to sell on eBay. Suzanne distrusts banks, and keeps all of his money rolled up in a fanny pack that he wears all the time; any time he removes the fanny pack, he seems to lose it, but he only has about $20 to his name at any given moment anyway. He once accidentally sold his fanny pack after finding it in the lost and found, but fortunately he sold it for a value equal to the money contained inside it. He then used this money to buy another fanny pack.

Suzanne's allergic reaction on Season 5 Day 112 was the source of much conflict among Firefighters fans. Some claimed that he stole the peanut from Baby Triumphant, commenting "Declan is the worst" and that "he KNEW he was allergic". Other fans claim that Suzanne heroically threw himself in the way of the peanut to save another Firefighter and that it was his sacrifice which allowed the Firefighters to become the Internet Series champions of Season 5. It should be his proudest moment as a Firefighter, but Suzanne insists he didn't see what happened.

Like all of us, he is from Chicago. His jersey number is 708.

Trivia

• Suzanne doesn't seem to understand the concept of double plays; he claims he "loves them because they're such a great deal!" and seems confused when people are upset when he hits into them.
• Suzanne has multiple self-published novels including One Strike Past Midnight, Two Strikes and You're In, and Three Strikes and You're Dead. They have all sold very poorly.
• Suzanne is legally not associated with the Chicago towing company, Will’s Towing, after a botched attempt at being a spokesman that no one likes to talk about.
• Suzanne is extremely unlucky even though he picks up every penny he finds.
• Suzanne once had a book signing at the Fire House. No one showed up—including Suzanne.
• Suzanne's favorite game is Fusion Frenzy.
• Suzanne is no longer allowed at Navy Pier. He knows why.
• Suzanne's fire axe is painted the same colors as the Minecraft diamond sword because it was the only way the coaches could convince him to bat.
• Rivers Rosa has to constantly threaten to throw Suzanne's XBox in the river to get him to pay attention.
• He was once awarded two Michelin stars, although they were later revoked due to crimes entirely unrelated to his own actions.